I went over by about 3,400 characters...
And yes, I have no life.
And I know none of you, or extremely few of you will actually read it.
So I'll just put this here just for the TL;DR people.
"My wife shouted at me the other day. I didn't know why.
She screamed at me, "I NEVER KNOW IF I AM COMING OR GOING WITH YOU! ****!"
I paused for a moment, staring at her.
I then replied, with all honestly,
"I think you are going, because when you are coming, your face looks like a Downsyndrome child trying to whistle".
I never saw her again."