I was in Barnes and Noble with a friend once, and he announced that he had to take a ****, and so went off to the bathroom and I went to look for boobs in the photography books.
After a while he came out and said something weird had just happened. He had just started crapping when some guy came in and knocked on the stall door, then said he was with building maintenance and they were disconnecting the plumbing...so for gods sake when he was finished, please do NOT flush the toilet. just leave it and they'd close the bathroom down. My friend thought it was funny that he'd been asked to leave this huge loaf without flushing.
About five minutes later there was a commotion at the front door. We looked over and one of the store management is standing in the way of a guy in a trenchcoat, saying "Sir, I need you to show me what you have under your coat". I was like "dude, watch this...that guy got busted shoplifting".
The shoplifter finally reached under his coat and pulled out a quart sized mason jar with some kind of liquid and lumps in it. The manager guy just kind of backed off and said "oh sorry, you can go", and trenchcoat dude took off at a run, clutching his jar.
My friend turned to me, totally white faced...and you know what's coming next, he says "I think that guy stole my poop".
Trenchcoat guy was not a shoplifter...but he was a turd burglar.
Just read this on reddit, thought you guys might enjoy it.