Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend' s job should be
to immediately clear your computer history if
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment
during an argument when you realize you' re
3. I totally take back all those times I didn' t
want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their
directions on # 5. I' m pretty sure I know how to
get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting
if they told you how the person died.
9. I can' t remember the last time I wasn' t at
least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but
there comes a moment at work when you
know that you just aren' t going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever
comes after Blue Ray? I don' t want to have to
restart my .
13. I' m always slightly terrified when I exit
out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any
changes to my technical report that I
swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry"
means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when Ijust miss a call by the last
immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voice mail. What did you do after I
didn' t answer? Drop the phone and run
16. I hate leaving my house confident and
looking good and then not seeing anyone of
importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people' s phone numbers
in my phoneless so I know not to answer
when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would
bet on any given Friday or Saturday night
more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid
Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I' ll watch a movie that I
watched when I was younger and suddenly
realize I had no idea what the heck was
going on when Ifirst saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-
loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2
trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I portforward to a red
light is when I' m trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine
line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say
What?" before youjust nod and smile
because you still didn' t hear or understand a
word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an
entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk
from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty.
Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can
wear them forever.
28. ls itjust me or do high school kids get
dumber& dumber everyyear?
29. There' s no worse feeling than that
millisecond you' re sure you are going to die
after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a
pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what
the mode of transportation, I always hate
31. Sometimes I' ll look down at my watch 3
consecutive times and still not know what
time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people
have trouble locating their car keys in a
pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning
the Tail on the Donkey - but I' d bet my ***
everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1. 7
seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!