I lip - T' Mamet
7 - THE‘ ANSWER 72
Kenny and Harry both stood silently in front of the headmaster' s desk Dumb-
Adore' s eyes glittered, but Harry sensed there was a deeper sense of concern hiding
just beyond his gaze.
Harry," Dumbledore said, stroking his long white beard, "Your godfather,
Sirius Black, has escaped from Azkaban prison."
Harry gaped. "The man who killed my parents? But... but that' s..." He tried to
say more, but his mouth had gone dry. No words came.
Scumbledore rested his hands together and leaned forward over his desk, lock-
ing his wise old eyes with Harry' s, "I assure you, Harry, we can confirm that he' s
nowhere near Hogwarts. We' searched the entire area, except for the spooky old
haunted house that no one goes into, ever, for any reason."
Kenny raised his hand, "So let' s assume, for a minute, that the murderer who
doesn' t want to be found is hiding in the one place no one would ever look. Why
don' t we take one quick peek in the haunted house, and if he is in there, which he
definitely is, we can arrest him and get rid ofthose horrible soulbending demons you let
loose in the school to look for him."
Dumbledore frowned., "Kenny, the situation you describe is impossible. Host
explained that no one goes in that house. It' s very spooky and we' re scared of it."
It wouldn' t make sense," agreed Harry. At that very moment, a horrible, nearly
headless ghost drifted through the room., Harry and Dumbledore waved to it politely.
Nothing here makes any f' cking sense," Kenny muttered to himself.
ttll ' I
Harry sighed loudly. Kenny cursed under his breath and ignored him, staring
intently into his pudding cup. Harry sighed again, louder this time.
What' s wrong, Harry?" Hermione asked. Kenny groaned.
Oh, it' s nothing," Harry said. "it' s just that all the Slytherin Quidditch players
have got the latest Nimbus 2001 broomsticks. There' s no Wayne can heat them
riding our older brooms."
Kenny dropped his pudding spoon. "WHAT? Finds, we' re wizards. We have a
spell that creates birds. Live. Freaking. Birds. Ignoring the horrifying implications of
creating life from the void for a second, can' t you just summon a few extra shekels
and go buy some better brooms?"
Because, Kenny," Hermione said, smirking , "magic can' t make money. The
Principal Exceptions to Gamp' s Law..."
Holy crap, woman," Kenny interrupted, "We get it. You read books." He
turned back to Harry. "Look, dude, we' all got our own problems. We can' t drop
everything and listen to you whine because the rich kids have better sports equip-
ment than you."
But it' s the championship game!" Harry cried.
Hey, why don' t you eerie someone who gives a shit. Ch: better yet; here: owls
awesome "
Seven sleek racing broomsticks flew into the middle of the hallway and fell to
the ground with a loud clatter.
Look at that;" Kenny said. "Why do we even have money? Why is there a
wizard economy, or even society, if everybody can just wave a stick and get WHAT-
EVER MATERIAL THEY WANT? DID THIN K THIS
UN AVERSE THROUGH ?"
Harry Potter darted through the shy, dodging Slytherin blockers left and right.
If he could only catch the golden snitch, then-
l GOT IT E
Harry whipped his head around., There was Kenny Nesbit; clutching the tiny
golden snitch in his hands. tarver Wood, the Gryffindor team captain, flew angrily
towards Kenny,
Kenny! What are you doing? You' re a chaser. Your job is to throw the quaffle
throw the hoop!"
Oh, you mean the ball that scores ten points? Yeah, l made the executive deci-
sion to that in favor of grabbing the little gold ball that WIN S THE
WHOLE FREAKIN' GAME. E" Kenny pumped his fist in the air and
made a rather suggestive motion towards several attractive witches in the crowd
But..." Harry Potter smiled. "I' m the seeker. It' s rimjob to catch the snitch."
Kenny rolled his eyes. "There' s no ‘Potter in Team’, okay?" He tamed to the
team. "Listen up, guys. From now on, everyone' s a Seeker, regardless of whe ther your
parents are dead or not."
At the mention of his parents, tears welled up in Harry' s eyes. The rest of the
team glared at Kenny as if he was a pile of house goblin excrement.
Hey, sorry," Kenny quickly backtracked, "that parent crack wasn' t directed at
any one in particular. ' s dad is dead, too."
My dad' s i" Ellwood cried.
Whatever. if no one' s going to recognize how great I am at this retarded sport,
then l quit. Witches prefer bad boys, anyway. Right, Hermione?"
In the stands, Hermione shifted uncomfortably in her seat,
14 - Tue New ? 154
I wonder who our next Defense Against the Dark Arts professor will be?"
Kenny spat out his across the table, drenching Ron.
Hey!" lion cried.
Shut up," Kenny said, He turned to Harry. "Harry, are you still taking that
class? Everyone who teaches it has secretly been a crazy person who later tried to kill
you.
Harry thought about it for a moment. "That may be, bat we have to learn more
about the dark arts if we' re going to stand a chance against l/ .!''
You know what else would help you stand a chance against ? Not
being dead. Maybe you should take a class in that. l_ fyou want to get crazy, you could
even take it at a school where there aren' t ogres, basilisks, and crazy murdering teach-
ers. Sn p Draco."
Kenny leaned out and delivered a to the blonde Slytherin as he
passed, He tamed back just in time to see Harry being attacked by a giant, razor-
winged iquan mrspider.
Look, Kenny!" Harry laughed, as shrieking mandibles dripped venom inches
from his face, "Look what Hagrid found! Isn' t it delightful?"
Kenny threw up his hands. "Screw this. I' m going up on the roof to smoke.
Anyone else want to join me?"
I will," said Hermione immediately. Ron looked glumly at the ground, saying
nothing.
Harry surveyed the assembled members of Dumbledore' s Army. He hoped the
motley group of young wizards were up to the dark task ahead.
To beat 1/ thamort," Harry announced, "We must find his seven horcruxes.
They could be anything and anywhe re-"
Whoa, hold up." Kenny Noshit said. Harry had balked at the idea of including
Kenny in the Army, but Hermione, for some mason, had insisted. "Six years of fight-
ing this guy and we end up on a quest for seven arbitrary items? Did Voldermort play
a lot REES as a kid r'
Ron put his hand on Kenny' s shoulder. "Void emort' s got to be stopped, Kenny,
He' s pure evil."
Right, so why are we just hearing about horcruxes? tryign' t anyone think to
look this up before now? Jesus, this is dumber than the Room of Requirement."
You mean the room that appears only when needed," Harry said, "and then
transforms into whatever we need it to be r'
Do you even hear how stupid that sounds? UK, new plan: Instead of goin g on
a scavenger hunt, I' m going to go tell the British army about this new terrorist guy
named ., Let' s see him hex his way out of a carpet bombing."
With that, Kenny marched out of the meeting, He paused briefly at the door.
Also, I' m definitely banging Hermione. Sorry, Weasley."
...
