theonion: The Onion

The place to post things from America's Finest News Source, _The Onion__!

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Mark Zuckerberg resets

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By: ralin

06/11/2018

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'Merica

from: The Onion

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By: Nor

06/24/2013

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TheOnion headlines on Redletter Media screenshots

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By: nanglo

07/22/2020

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scientific vengeful removable Donkey

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By: gudguyshiht

04/30/2020

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wild obese common Pigeon

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By: FOG

07/13/2020

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Report: Logan's Mom Put Him On A Diet

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Noting the dramatic change in snacks and beverages made available at the Pisinski household, sleepover sources confirmed Friday that Logan’s mom had put him on a diet. “He’s not allowed to have any soda or candy, plus his mom put all the bags of chips way up high in the pantry so he can’t reach them,” said Jesse Weir, adding that while he and the other guests ate pepperoni pizza, Logan was served a green salad with a fat-free dressing and was offered the choice between a rice cake topped with cottage cheese or an apple for dessert. “He’s got a whole section in the refrigerator labeled ‘Logan’s Snacks’ and there’s nothing good in there, just carrots and celery sticks. When Mrs. Pisinski caught Logan eating some M&Ms that Kevin brought, she made him spit them out in the trash, so it’s a pretty big deal.” Weir added that he probably wouldn’t be going back over to Logan’s house for a while after Mrs. Pisinski told them they couldn’t play video games and should instead all go outside to get some exercise.

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By: coldclockthirtyiii

10/28/2018

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Sunday School Teacher Can Already Tell Which Ones Going To Hell

FEASTERVILLE, PA—Saying she had learned to trust her intuition over the course of her decades-long tenure at St. Williams, Sunday school teacher and Catholic nun Elizabeth Reath could already tell which of her students were going to hell. “There’s always a few kids in every class that stick out right away and, try as I may, there’s nothing that can be done to save them for eternal damnation,” said Reath, clarifying that in some rare instances, seemingly marked children had avoided hell and been regulated to purgatory instead. “We’ve only had a few classes, but I can tell a kid like Ryan doesn’t stand a chance at the final judgement. He grew up without either of his parents—who both went to hell—so the deck is already stacked against him.” At press time, a visibly disappointed Reath had reprimanded one of her star pupils for interrupting class by talking to a hell-bound student.

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By: coldclockthirtyiii

10/28/2018

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Wildest Friend Called Up From Bench To Help Woman Get Over Breaku

ST. LOUIS, MO—Explaining that the severity of the situation called for desperate and perhaps even borderline extreme measures, recently dumped woman Ruth Beneke, 26, called her wildest friend up from the bench of associates and acquaintances Thursday in order to help her ease the pain from a recent breakup. “I have so many sensitive, supportive friends, but this breakup calls for someone a little, let’s say, intense. Karen [Rasmussen] has not been completely reliable, so she’s been on the bench for a few years, but I really need her unhinged, borderline dangerous sense of fun right now,” said Beneke of Rasmussen, who arrived with a stirring cry of “Let’s take you out!” and the insistence they “go somewhere and just ******* dance,” as well as several utterly believable threats of bodily harm toward the ex-boyfriend in question. “If I’m going to get over this breakup, a couple glasses of chardonnay with Sophia or Tami aren’t going to cut it—that’s where Karen comes in. She’s a great distraction, but even beyond that, she makes me feel a lot more together by comparison because so many of her exes are in jail. We may not be super close, but she’s absolutely crucial for situations like these.” At press time, Karen had ordered the pair another round of tequila shots from the Applebee’s bar.

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By: coldclockthirtyiii

10/28/2018

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