In In New You' ll: Puma
My buddy smokes weed, and was going on vacation to
Antigua with his girlfriend, He asked me it they ever have drug sniffing dogs at
the airports. i told him I didn' t know.
But just for good measure, I stashed some dog biscuits in his suitcase before he
My brother, being the douchebag that he is, wouldn' t stop bragging about how he
got a job interview for an armored car company, and how his military experience
is gonna be put to good use.
So after he passed out drunk in celebration for having an
interview, his friends did this to him:
i was at my buddy: house (same one from story l) with his girlfriend waiting for him to
get home she we me that he had a horrible day yesterday because a bunch m kids
made a huge mess at his store. i know my buddy hates kids, and never wants any.
So after his girlfriend went upstairs, I grabbed her phone and sent him a message
pretending to be her.
I I have something to tell you.
I can' t really talk right now.
H: well maybe i should show you then.
B: WHAT THE FUCK
At that point I erased the messages and turned the phone off
A half hour later he comes storming in the door screaming
Where the fuck IS she?! She can' t do this to me!"
i started laughing my ass off. I told him i was lust fucking around with him and he really
needed to calm down At which point his girlfriend comes downstairs asking why he' s
shouting like an asshole.
He tells her “this asshole sent me a message saying you were pregnant-
She looks at me “HOW THE FUCK DID YO.) FIND OUT?”
Did she happen to notice?
Or is there a shituation?
AT& T as
You know you' re out of
to a paper
What should I do
n now you' re out of
What should I do’)?
i A handsign In the i
My brother is kind of a douchebag
He' s 28; He plays call of duty all day long
and nothing else, When his girlfriend would come over she
would just sit there and watch him play or go in the other
Not the most intimate relationship.
My brother was working the night shift at the gas station so
he sleeps during the day while my dad' s at work.
When he gets home, he often goes online before he goes to
bed. Then when my dad gets home, he goes on the computer
for the rest of the night.
I needed to go to my dads to grab a few things, but hadn' t
given them prior notice.
Upon my arrival my brother was out cold.
After getting what I needed, I decided to leave a surprise for
So went on the computer and I left a firefox window open on
And I left without a trace.
My brother is still trying to convince my dad he' s not gay.
Me and my girlfriend live together with her dad and step mom.
My girlfriend' s step mom however, is a borderline schizophrenic
She often goes on drunken rants and mumbles
conversation to us when we can' t understand a single word she
says. She also likes to pick fights and say hurtful things when
she' s been drinking.
One night I come home and find my girlfriend crying her eyes
out. I ask her whats wrong.
I can' t deal with her anymore! We need to get away from her."
Wham she do?
She accused me and my dad of sleeping together."
WHAT THE FUCK?!
I can' t deal with her fucking craziness anymore."
She does realize that me and you are dating right?
Must can' t do this anymore. I' been sitting her crying for the
past 3 hours."
So what did I do?
went to my movie collection for an answer.
And it was "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" that gave me the
Because when you swallow this
This happens -
So I added some to each of her beer bottles in the fridge and
screwed the caps back on
NOW YOU' RE FUCKED BITCH
NOBODY MAKES MY GIRLFRIEND CRY i;, .
BUT ME! K
She had 12 beers that night.