Don' t Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I
offer my story to you, that you may learn from my
error. " all started, as many things do, with me
having trouble shitting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity
problem but a matter of technique. " seems my
had grown to such a length that tiny
krogans were constantly getting tied up in the
matted jungle between my asscheeks. " led to
much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had
something to drop, but unable to shake the
tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.
Eventually I would have to do two things: either
reach down with some paper and try to pinch off
the lingering loaf (which required careful precision
to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear,
especially since I had no way of seeing what I was
doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope
that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter
before the toilet paper reached its Cart'
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what
seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey! This
is my butt and my , right'. So why don' t I
Just eliminate all the hair, and then my krogans will
now out like Beer from a keg!” I said to myself. " is
a statement that will go down in history with a lot
of other regretted statements. "How many Indians
could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks
like a good day for a drive!” by JFK. “There!
America onlline now has complete Usenet
access!” by some idiot system tech. Such was my
anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap
disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting
from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the
cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my
ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean
the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous
slime, which I did by wiping " on the towel. slowly,
my twin mounds and the Began to
resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby.
Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and
surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a
pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled,
satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for . Like
everything in this world God created, it has its
mighty purpose in existence. " was only after I had
removed it that I started to Idam how much I had
been taking it for granted. For one, it provides
friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked
out into the sun heading for class. After climbing
two nights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started
to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was
accumulating in my crack, and was causing the
unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding
past each other with every step. I thought about
going to the bathroom and wiping " off, but had to
get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling
with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering
around my brown starfish. when I stood up after
class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy
sticky combination. As I made my way
back to my dorm, it started to itch. , did
it itch'. Felt like a swarm of ants was making its
way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from
Jamming my hand down there and scratching away,
I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to
sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my
cheeks were sliding back and forth against each
other like a pair of horny . I quickly
dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off
by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my
cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart,
a horrible stench burst free and filled the room.
Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I
had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering
went into the fan and blew back into my
face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat
there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and
dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body
odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit
blowing right into my face, I had only one thought:
it will be like this until the hair grows back.
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my
ass at every opportunity, I discovered another
wonderful use for - ventilation. I attempted
to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between
my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two
pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the
result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down
between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn' t enough, I am now enduring further
torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything
knows, when hair is first growing m, it comes in as
stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a
brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now.
is a hellish torture, and there are many times
when I Just look out the window and contemplate
why I shouldn’ t just Jump out and get it all over
with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this
Friends, DON’ T SHAVE YOUR '.
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