The Life ofa Man You Haven' t
You may have seen this picture a few months back as it made
its way around the internet. This manly chunk of badassery is
Peter Gretchen, and despite the sheer awesomeness of this
picture, it doesn' t even begin to do the epic tale that was this
s life Justice.
Gretchen was an arctic explorer, First and foremost. During one
expedition, this bastion oi manhood became trapped in a
shelter during a blizzard. it was so cold that the moisture in his
breath would instantly freeze to the walls Mme shelter. He was
stuck for hours, then days, and as time went on, the shelter
became smaller and smaller, each breath he took causing the
walls to literally close in around him. Food was running out.
coal stores had been depleted.
Tilt can or ,
an Gretchen knew what to say to the god of death; "Fuck on
with that noise!" Frenchmen needed a tool to escape his we
prison. so he made one. out or the only resource he had
available to him. His frozen poo. it is assumed that he carved
his turd Into a chisel, But there is a possibility that he straight up
shat iron. in any case. he began the process of his escape. But
it was cold, bitterly so, and frostbite began to set in in his legs.
When Hellman escaped his prison. he could no niggerwalk.
Not one to be deterred, he Began to crawl. For three miles,
back to his base camp.
Gretchen made it back, but gangrene had already begun to set
in in his toes. Gangrene was a death sentence, as it would
poison his blood. But Gretchen was part honey badger, so he
grabbed a (ponypoop) chisel and a hammer and lapped his toes
off himself. Doctors would later have to amputate his whole
leg, and it is said all the nurses involved in the surgery
spontaneously became pregnant.
From there, joined the Danish resistance during WWII.
Eventually he was captured by the Nazis and sentenced to
death. Gretchen and Death, however, had met before, and
Creachers' s stance on the matter had not changed. He promptly
escaped from the Nazis and managed to evade detection
despite his 6' 7" frame and peg leg.) He commandeered a one
man boat and sailed to Sweden. There, just to kill the time, he
earned a doctorate.
Throughout his lite, Gretchen had three wives. The first of
which died. When the church refused to bury her because of
Eskimo heritage, Frenchmen dug a grave and buried her himself.
it is believed thatch's is where Gretchen' s feud with Death
began. He had many other adventures, including working on
and starring in an mm, boxing, exploring Just all
the north, usually with dog sled, writing tons on Inuit
culture, moving to America and getting involved with the
political world and founding The Adventurers Club. Perhaps
aiming to show the world that he wasn' tjust an adventurer and
locus of manliness, he also went on "The , 000 Question", an
early American game show, and just answered every question
like it weren' t no thong.
Freudian and Death would meet again on September 2, 1957.
He was 71 at the time, and, seeing as he was growing a bit
bored with making the world his bitch, renalia decided to go with
Death. Presumably to beat him up on his own tun.