So I was going to put this on Facebook to make myself feel better. But that'd just cause a ******** of drama in the family and it'd probably end up here anyway, so let's skip the ****** family drama, ****** pictures of a post and just put it here so you can laugh at me directly!
I have just been informed that there is not enough room to put this here directly. Therefore I am going to put some of it here and some in the comments.
Damn, every time I type in this little box it gets harder and harder as it goes on. I had intended to ask something like "How do you all live going day to day" but now it seems silly. I used to think that money was the answer. Why am I so bored? I don't have money to entertain myself, why do I think life is so pointless? Because I lack the ability to make it have a point. Here I am now though. I have money now. What now? What later? Why do I have such trouble remembering the times when I felt good inside. Why do I whine like this when there are people with less money and worse lives? Why are they happier than me? What did I do wrong? Question after question with no easy answer. I've met people abused by their parents but they smile every day, even if it isn't a real one. I've seen people on death's door have more of a spring in their step than me. My life is fine, why doesn't it feel like it? No. My life is MINE why don't I feel like it? These stupid questions are tearing my heart and soul away one piece at a time. The body doesn't care the mind wants to live and the heart wants to die and I don't get why. I don't want to be thrown into an asylum for these words that I speak. I just want them to be out there, out of me! It's my burden and I don't want to trouble any of you but damn it! I just can't carry this weight any longer. I'm not as strong as I used to be. So I'm sorry. These troubles are mine. Not yours. It's fine. I'll keep living if for no other reason than to spite death. But I do have reasons. I have people who need me. People who see me. And people I love. I don't use that word lightly, never will I use that word lightly. To do so would be a mockery of the past, my past. I try to believe that that's not the reason I feel this way but that was probably the spark. A death in the family filled me with fear and as I type that fear grows near. It was an oil slick in my heart. I slipped in school and that was all me. I blame it on this or that but in the end it was me.