FJNS 170: Spirits, Graves, and ShipwrecksshirigamiRank: #3897 FunisvotingBlocksBlocks prevnext Prev Next Good evening, legislators. Grab your britches, booty bitches, because it's time for the next three Issues. Also, just to preempt any confusion, there are no stat changes for this most recent Issue in the Issue Chain we had. It was something like flavor text, I suppose. The next is the last Issue in the chain though, and based on the cheat sheet, that one does have stat changes in it. Until that arrives in about 4 hours, you'll just have to settle for Issues No. 372, No. 140, and No. 1276. join list: FunnyStates (51 subs)Mention History RESULTS:Issue No. 225: Prayer in Public Schools? "Religious education is a new government priority."Issue No. 1404: Die Some Other Day [MADness] "The best spies are positively radiant after completing a big mission." ISSUES:Issue No. 372: The Coming of the Commissars The Issue: Controversy arose recently when an entire platoon deserted because they “just didn’t see the point of it all”. As a consequence, debate has erupted over ways to rebuild Revolutionary spirit in the army. Debate Points: 1. “The answer is simple, Admin,” confidently states Cleveland Hicks, a Party ideologue. “Our servicemen and women need to know what they’re fighting for: the Historical mission of the People's Republic of FunnyJunk. It’s absolutely imperative that we appoint political commissars to serve alongside regular officers and educate our brave soldiers about Worldwide Revolution. Ideological training is as important as the ability to shoot straight, after all.” 2. “No, no, no! That all sounds frightfully dull!” interrupts your wild-eyed and unkempt head of sciences, Indira Pavlov. “You know what’ll get young people lining up at every recruitment post? Flashy new gear! Who doesn’t want to charge into battle as a combat engineer, dodging and weaving between Mammoth tanks, airships raining down support? Oh, and Tesla coils, gotta have Tesla coils. I admit the R&D will be INSANELY expensive, and I can’t guarantee realization of all our schematics - especially the time machine side project - but hey, at least it’ll solve the morale problem.” 3. “Now hold on just a minute!” hollers Miles Wang, an unruly off-duty soldier. “We don’t need some jumped-up Party mouthpiece telling us what to do! Present company excepted, of course, Admin. And we don’t need fancy gizmos to motivate us either. The real problem is the officer corps forcing us to fight all the time. War takes so much effort and somebody always ends up getting hurt. If we have the troops elect officers at every level - including the top brass - we won’t be fighting pointless battles in the first place. After all, isn’t workers’ power what the Revolution is all about?” 4. “An entire platoon just DESERTED!” fumes former Gulag Welfare Officer Ilya Cumberbatch while visiting on diplomatic business, “And no one thinks they should be punished? In Glorious Motherland such treachery would never be tolerated,” he continues, mindlessly toying with a pistol, “It sounds to me that you need some men following around your conscripts to make sure the cowards don’t flee back to mommy. You don’t want the People's Republic of FunnyJunk to become the laughingstock of the anticapitalist world.” 5. Dismiss the Issue Morale Support? Win this one because I told you to. IT’S JOHNNY-117 CHECK THE PECS. Pick and choose your battles. Promoted from Marshal to Court Martial. Dismiss. Vote! (View results) Issue No. 140: A Grave Problem The Issue: As cemeteries across the People's Republic of FunnyJunk are beginning to reach their full capacities, citizens are demanding that the government step in to rectify the situation before the bodies start to pile up. Debate Points: 1. “The expansion of cemeteries must end if the remaining government land is to benefit the economy,” says the Minister of Death, Elaine Payne. “What I propose is that we declare all graves over, say, ten years old, as vacant. And then dump a new corpse in it. Hey, nobody objects to sharing a university dormitory with another person, why should they object to sharing their grave?” 2. “Burial plots are so expensive these days, few people are opting for them anyway,” says Retirement Home owner, Jim Ward. “Let’s just go for that final push and make cremation compulsory. Some people may not be happy with it, but when you get right down to it, it’s only setting fire to their loved ones against their will - you must agree that that’s less important than expanding suburban development.” 3. “This is horrendous,” says Natalie Cummings, whose partner recently passed away. “Whatever happened to choice? When my Henry died, he was promised an eternal resting place; a place where his name would stand and he would be remembered. Having it disturbed by ‘newcomers’ or enforcing cremation is a slur against him and the rest of the People's Republic of FunnyJunk’s deceased citizens! If you have any compassion in your soul, then you’ll acknowledge a grave as being a sacrosanct area. The dead must be allowed to rest in peace.” 4. Dismiss the Issue Rest in Place? Economy-class graves have zero leg room. Most funerals are well done. The grateful dead. Dismiss. Vote! (View results) Issue No. 1276: A Boatload of Trouble The Issue: The Coastguard reported that following stormy weather a trio of small ships capsized in the Goose Strait. This resulted in the deaths of 78 illegal immigrants who were trying to enter the People's Republic of FunnyJunk under cover of darkness, including many children and two pregnant women. Debate Points: 1. “It’s our moral responsibility to stop people drowning in our waters,” lectures Maritime Operations Officer Sarah Kowalski, respectfully removing her cap. “You should deploy more coastguard vessels, linked to surveillance drones and a dedicated networked HQ. Give me an eye on every square meter of our seas, and no-one will drown again.” 2. “Why don’t we just lay out a welcome mat while we’re at it?” complains Immigration Minister Angela Rolfe, closing the office door to keep a draught out. “The danger of the journey acts as a deterrent, and that keeps illegal immigration numbers down. If anything, we should be reducing the coastguard, and concentrating solely on protecting fishermen, beach-users and marina businesses. If the journey across the strait is even more dangerous, then even fewer illegals will attempt the journey.” 3. “It’s because of our immigration laws that people are dying in the first place,” muses your Minister for Extracartonic Cognition. “Why don’t we provide a free ferry service to bring anyone who wants to come into the country? We’ll also need unrestricted immigration and generous compassionate welfare payments. I’m sure these unskilled immigrants will boost our economy. Eventually.” 4. Dismiss the Issue Fresh off the Boat? Preservation of life is the highest purpose that shall be. They can trek from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli for all I care. Anchor babies await. Dismiss. Vote! (View results) Hey there. Wanna know some hot legal trivia? I’ve got a secret for those people who have been naughty in bed. I think you and I both know where this is going: In the state of Colorado, they made it legal to remove the tag on your mattress that says “Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law”. Become ungovernable. prevnext +10 -Favorite +Favorite Unblock User's Content Block User's Content Sub/Block Channels Funisvoting:UploadUnblockBlockSubUnsubsubs: 288
