FJNS 156: Day Light, ***ht Light, and No LightshirigamiRank: #3897 FunisvotingBlocksBlocks prevnext Prev Next Good evening, legislators. Ready to vote once more? Nothing interesting happened today, so I have nothing interesting to write here today. Uhh... Thanksgiving is coming. Be thankful for Issues No. 823, No. 984, and No. 558? join list: FunnyStates (51 subs)Mention History RESULTS:Issue No. 536: Any Witch Way Spells Disasters "Bands of adventurers rove the countryside searching for monsters."Issue No. 1393: Authorization to Kill [MADness] "Naval armadas borrow their formations from synchronized swimming handbooks." ISSUES:Issue No. 823: Where the Sun Don't Shine The Issue: When your Minister for Health fell asleep for the third time in your Cabinet meeting, you confronted her. She told you her doctor had diagnosed her with vitamin D deficiency. In fact, her department estimates this condition may be affecting almost half of all Junkies. Debate Points: 1. “It’s because the People's Republic of FunnyJunk is such a gloomy place,” she yawns, yanking apart the curtains of the conference room to let a feeble ray of sun shine in. “Look, I know we can’t change the weather, but perhaps we can help people get more sunlight by promoting an outdoor culture. Why should we be cooped up in enclosed spaces like offices and schools? Give a tax break for businesses that have their workers under an open sky!” 2. “All this natural sunlight seems to be a bit complicated,” says synthetic chemistry enthusiast Quasimodo Putin, happily munching on his morning toast enhanced with a colloid of crunch-enhancing plastic beads. “I mean, everyone loves chemistry. Require fortification of bread products, breakfast cereals and other foods with pre-isomerized 7-dehydrocholesterol, and then everyone will have healthy bones and teeth.” He stops talking to spit out a broken tooth. 3. “Nothing new under the sun, huh?” butts in Willow Wiseau, your elderly neighbour, slipping out of her bathrobe to proudly expose sagging skinfolds and liver-spotted buttocks. “There’s plenty of sunlight outside if you ask me. The problem is that light can’t get through the fabric barriers that we mummify ourselves with! Enforce compulsory nudity, and let bodies luxuriate in the sun! For health!” She leers hopefully at an attractive young intern, miming the removal of clothing. 4. Dismiss the Issue The Light of My Life? Productivity is sky high. A light breakfast. Sunlight is au natural. Dismiss. Vote! (View results) Issue No. 984: A Midsummer Night's Snooze-Fest The Issue: As legions of interns scramble to set up a stage in your office, your Minister of Theatrics dramatically announces that his Ministry has organized a play for you. The play purportedly tells a tragic story: the public apathy toward the long-dead but highly-influential Junky playwright Bill Wakesword. Debate Points: 1. “I doth be the poet himself!” Minister Porklet announces, wearing purple robes and a long wig. “Once upon a merry time, my plays amazed those large and small. Now, there’s only one way to ensure the People's Republic of FunnyJunk remains in my thrall. Force my works upon the children, make them read it all! It may be true that the language doth be a few centuries old, but what is in a word? That which we call a Woodeating Spikeball by any other name would be just as Woodeating.” 2. An intern apparently playing the part of ‘unenthusiastic teenager’ pokes the Minister with a smartphone, causing him to crumble to the floor in mock agony. The intern robotically states, “Alas. Poor Wakesword. I knew him well. I would have surely been willing to get interested in Wakesword if his word choice was easier. If only we could rework Wakesword so that it appealed to me, a disaffected teenager, and my social media habits.” 3. “All the world’s a stage, Admin, and it doth be time we saw some plays!” announces overconfident actor Rick Rear, dressed in a donkey costume and accidentally stepping on the ‘dead’ Minister. “As I, one of the greatest actors of all time, should know-eth, the best way to spread the brilliance of Wakesword is to fund school drama clubs and ye olde outdoor theatre! If we can coerce these apathetic adolescents, these indifferent infants, these bored brats to act, they will surely see the value of true literature.” 4. Ka-boom! The wall of your office suddenly explodes, spewing fire and smoke everywhere. As the smoke clears, explosives enthusiast and propaganda director of TransMorphers vs Capitalist Geese and Adolescent Monster Revolutionary Frogs, Michel Cove, strolls in, a second explosion obliterating the Minister’s stage. “This ‘Wakesword’ guy? Heh. His plays are older than the class struggle. What you need, comrade, are explosion-packed science-fiction propaganda films in the curriculum that will leave kids drooling about joining the people’s corps of scientists! The future is what matters. The past? Who cares?” Another one of your walls explodes and he grins manically as your office burns around him. 5. Dismiss the Issue All Work & No Plays? Methinks the children doth protest too much. @romeomontague @julietcapulet #double_suicide Teenagers raised to be drama queens and showboats. Hamlet 7: Return of the Jewish Space Ninjas. Dismiss. Vote! (View results) Issue No. 558: Turning a Blind Eye? The Issue: When a blind man and his guide goose were recently refused service in Bad Gateway 502 restaurant ‘The Haute Potato’, it started a heated debate that few had seen coming. Debate Points: 1. “This is a real eye-opener!” exclaims Mathias Murdock, head of the Junky Blind Trust, speaking to a large group of cane-wielding protesters. “This discrimination against the blind and partially-sighted has gone on for too long. Not only should we be allowed to take our companions and guardians wherever we go, now is the time to realize our vision of a society completely accessible for the visually impaired!” 2. “Geese must be kept out of restaurants; why can’t these people see that?” queries Dana Solo, a young chef from ‘The Haute Potato’, reeking of paprika. “It’s not that I don’t understand, really, I do, but it’s a health issue, you know. Imagine that thing entering the kitchen; you’d get their fur or scales or whathaveyou all over the buffet,” she asserts confidently while her sweat trickles down into tonight’s baba ganoush. “He should just tie his goose outside along with any other mutt. They still have their canes, don’t they?” 3. Your goose-walker, Napoleon Bouvier, who has 20/20 vision, rambles at you whilst untangling several leads. “Why are we only thinking of the blind here? I can’t see why the blind should be able to take their geese into restaurants, while my poor babies still have to be tied out in the rain. You’ll let me take my geese into restaurants as well, right?” 4. Dismiss the Issue No Sight, No Shoes, No Service? Overlook it this once. I get by with my loyal seeing eye stick. Animals prefer the term "evolutionarily handicapped". Dismiss. Vote! (View results) Since our last trivia bit was actually the last out of Arkansas, we're moving on to everyone's favorite state: California! A lot of California's strange laws are actually local laws, so keep that in mind if I forget to mention the state. Today, we head to Baldwin Park. A probably scenic park that likely houses luxuries like "air" and "sunlight", one might even assume they have a swimming pool full of "water". I won't know if there's a pool there until I check, I guess. Keep your science away from Schroedinger's pool though, because you can't ride bikes in pools in Baldwin Park. Until I find out, you cyclists will just have to stay in a superposition of wet and dry. prevnext +6 -Favorite +Favorite Unblock User's Content Block User's Content Sub/Block Channels Funisvoting:UploadUnblockBlockSubUnsubsubs: 288
