Issue No. 1001: Will the Real Victims Please Stand Up?
The Issue: The nation is in uproar after a star football player was released from prison after spending six years behind bars for sexual assault, following new revelations that his disputant fabricated the entire incident. Leading lawyers, including your own, have asked you to take a stand against false accusations.
1. “It’s a disgrace that all it takes to destroy a person’s life is one false allegation,” protests sleazy lawyer Jorji North, who is facing multiple sexual harassment claims. “The problem is that we’re so quick to believe these so-called ‘victims’ instead of the accused. Force them to undergo rigorous interviews and get the coppers to perform DNA tests. This will deter people from making mendacious accusations in the first place. Anyone who is found out must be jailed for the same amount of time that their so-called attacker would have been sentenced to.”
2. “How can you have no sympathy for the injured party?” inquires Barbara Turner, the most feared prosecutor in the People's Republic of FunnyJunk, as the men in the room all fall silent. “We absolutely should believe the victims. The harder you make it for them to come forward, the more you’ll encourage the criminals to keep doing what they’re doing. While it is unfortunate that sometimes inculpable people get caught up in the courts, it’s better to imprison a thousand innocent men than to let one rapist go free.”
3. “You know, all this talk about false allegations has gotten me worried,” whispers your personal lawyer Ozai Claus, as he purposely spills coffee on his crotch, then gets your young secretary to help him dry it off. “It won’t be long until one of your pesky critics accuses you of a crime to ruin your career. I say we should nip that in the bud. Quietly pass a law that protects you, your cabinet, and your lawyer from any sort of legal ramifications. You rule this country. It’s only fair that you are bound by none of its laws.”
4. “ORDER! ORDER! Nobody has heard from me yet!” exclaims notoriously corrupt Judge Melissa Jones, while banging a gavel on your desk. “Quite frankly I don’t care who is accused or who accuses them. I think we all know what makes our justice system go around - thumbs. Sentencing should be based on how much both sides are able to pay up. Sure, the poor might not be able to win in this system, but hey, that’s the way the caviar crumbles!”
5. Dismiss the Issue
He Said, She Said?
Failed the DNA test.
Source: trust me.
The king's game.
All touching is fine.
Issue No. 560: Bicameral Backlash
The Issue: The Junky upper house recently voted down a major information technology bill, provoking significant backlash in the lower house. Legislators have gathered in your office, and they’re now debating whether the People's Republic of FunnyJunk truly needs an upper house.
1. “The upper house is outdated and elitist,” argues one of your rather ambitious backbenchers, MP Venus Garza, who is a favorite of the information technology industry. “It’s an anachronism, a holdover of a bygone era. Bicameralism belongs to an age when the population was divided into patrician and plebeian classes. In the modern day, it doesn’t make any sense. The upper house is a needless and inefficient institution full of overeducated and uppity old farts who only exist to obstruct our progress. It’s a roadblock to the will of the lobby - um, the people. Admin, empower the people’s house! Abolish the upper house now!”
2. “The information technology bill was corporate welfare pure and simple, and that hack knows it,” rebukes Lady Avery Meier, the Mother of the Upper House as she enjoys her snack of camembert and caviar. “We need an upper chamber to give each piece of legislation a sober second thought. Our job is to scrutinize bills for errors and temper the transient passions of the lower house. We need to be given more power, including vetoing dreadful legislation that comes out of the lower house that violates the People's Republic of FunnyJunk’s values and customs.”
3. “The old woman is right,” comments Haymitch Stewart, the head of the Junky Electoral Commission. “Our nation needs an upper house to be a check on the lower. After all, unicameralism would basically make you an elected dictator with all that unchecked power. At the same time, the upper house’s disapproval should not be a death knell for otherwise popular legislation. I have a compromise. Let’s allow the lower house to call a snap election if the upper house blocks one of its bills. If the lower house, after the election, passes the same bill again, then it becomes law regardless of what the upper legislators think. Expensive? Sure, but at least we give the people the right to break parliamentary stalemates whenever they happen.”
4. Dismiss the Issue
Never be royals.
We crave a different kind of buzz.
Let me be your ruler.