FJ Nation 62: *****, Rail Trails, and the Appliance of ScienceshirigamiRank: #3897 FunisvotingBlocksBlocks prevnext Prev Next Pardon any delays, gentles and ladymen. In honor of our special 2021 Summer Olympics, Google released a little JRPG-style Shinto sports game as their logo, and I spent two hours beating it. Don't take that out of context. For more information, simply Google Google on Google. Anyways, I'm here this morning night to bring you Issues No. 610, No. 634, and No. 1246. I'll throw those RESULTS up for you, and in the meantime, join the Yellow Kitsune Team. We're in second place, but the Red Crows are still double our score! join list: FunnyStates (51 subs)Mention History RESULTS: Issue No. 366: Prosecute Stolen Valor, Says Military "Fancy dress parties are raided by military police for new recruits."Issue No. 459: Murder, He Shouted! "Movie references are legally admissible in court." ISSUES:Issue No. 610: Only Leader Could Go to Dàguó The Issue: The Holy Emperor of the militaristic and isolationist nation Dàguó has invited you to his palace for a state dinner in an attempt to warm decades of frosty relations. Debate Points: 1. “IT’S A TRAP!” shouts Admiral Mohammed de Calamari, a military attaché who seems borderline paranoid. “Isn’t it obvious? They’re only inviting you over there so they can KILL you! They’ll either poison you or stab you in your sleep. Trust me, you can’t trust these Dàguó animals. They will kill you the moment you let your guard down.” 2. “I agree that we shouldn’t go over there,” replies Sophie Fforde, your personal chef, who is always dying to experiment with new cuisine. “However, that doesn’t mean we should ourselves embark on a policy of isolationism. Why not invite this Emperor of theirs over here and treat him to a state dinner? There’s much to discuss like their Tasmanian trade sanctions or the steady stream of refugees from the Maxtopian Civil War.” 3. “Dàguó’s leaders have historically denounced our great nation for covert operations that, err, officially, we still deny,” mentions Professor Barbara Mason between introductory college lectures. “Meeting with Dàguó’s Holy Emperor would be a perfect way to begin to mend relations. Accept the invitation, respect their customs regardless of how strange they might seem, and act like a real national leader for once! Go out there and start advocating for world peace, and history will thank you.” 4. After repeatedly hitting on your secretary, a somewhat suave secret agent introduces himself as, “Bont ... James Bont. Go over to Dàguó on the pretext of a diplomatic mission. Meanwhile, I will pose as a Marche Noirian master chef so I can poison the Emperor’s meal. Once he drops dead, his security is going to suspect foul play, but I’ll be there to extract you back to the People's Republic of FunnyJunk via rocketcar. There’s a chance my scheme will end up causing a war, but if worst comes to worst, I’ve still got my jetpack and exploding attaché case.” 5. Dismiss the Issue Admin Meets Admin? The Hermit Empire. All praise to Glorious Tourist. When in China, chong as the Qings do. Set up the dinner and the Interview. Dismiss. Vote! (View results) Issue No. 634: Bullet Time The Issue: Regular traffic congestion within the People's Republic of FunnyJunk’s interstate highways has resulted in a flurry of petitions being sent to you demanding the development of a Maglev bullet train connecting the nation’s major cities. Apparently there was going to be a demonstration outside your front door as well, but the protesters got stuck in traffic. Debate Points: 1. Moments before you are about to go home after a long day at work, an intruder intercepts you at your front door. His face is a deeper shade of red than the sunset outside your window. He yells at you: “Eight hours! Do you have any idea how it feels to sit in traffic for eight hours? Be quiet! How can I do good work when the commute takes the whole day? Listen, most other developed nations already have high-speed, high-efficiency railway systems, and not having one is not doing us any favors, economically or for our mental health. We Need Bullet Trains! Give us Bullet Trains!” 2. “That angry fellow is correct, you know...” says Stanislawa Steele, an agreeable businesswoman who gently guides the furious commuter to the back door, “but who is to say the burden of the cost should be on the government’s back? Me and my colleagues in Budget Rail Incorporated can get the People's Republic of FunnyJunk high speed connections with no cost to your taxpayers. We’ve got suppliers of nearly-new metal, fairly decent quality second-hand trains, engines that almost passed emission standards. We’ve even identified which arable land owners you’ll need to force to sell to us to make this service fast and profitable. Just sign, quickly, here, here, here, and umm... initials here...” 3. “You can’t do it!” groans Wendy Bulsara, ecologically minded pop-musician with the recent #1 hit I Hugged A Tree and I Liked It. “Mother Nature gives us love, and look at how we treat Her. We’re binding her flesh with steel rails. I mean, forests, the trees, all that... they give us oxygen and stuff. Dodge the bullet, save the world!” 4. “Slow down, now. Slow down, all...” says Clara Hayes, a villager visiting the big city for the first time. “More railways is a fine thing for all, but why have fancy high speed trains that zoom past all the interesting places on the way? I think you should be building a LOW speed rail, that stops at all the picturesque hamlets and towns, and brings visitors to them. Stop by Little Droppings - that’s my own town, by the way - and I’ll brew you a nice cup of tea.” 5. Dismiss the Issue Magnets: How Do They Work? Passengers locked and loaded. Less of a "rail gun" and more of a "pipe gun". Rail against locomotion. Maybe not FULL bore... Dismiss. Vote! (View results) Issue No. 1246: Breath of the Wild The Issue: Scientists have successfully revived the long-extinct feather-bellied goose to the point where a population of the creatures can be sustained in the wild. The nation’s leading wildlife experts and goose enthusiasts have offered their suggestions on how the People's Republic of FunnyJunk should handle these animals. Debate Points: 1. “We can’t upset the balance of nature!” proclaims Mipha Brooks, Chief Veterinarian at a national park in the People's Republic of FunnyJunk, while feeding the fish in your office. “These animals haven’t been around for more than a hundred years. Who knows how they’ll react to their new surroundings? It could cause a total shift in the food-chain and the entire ecosystem. We should maintain their population in controlled environments — like preserves, research centers and zoos.” 2. “I know how to deal with this,” states Revali Hawke, a renowned hunter, who deftly grabs one of the office fish and nails it to the wall. “If you’re worried that too many of these animals would disrupt the ecosystem, then allow us hunters to take care of the problem. It would be a phenomenal experience to track down creatures that nobody has seen in generations and tourists would flock to the People's Republic of FunnyJunk for the thrill of the hunt. All in the name of the balance of nature, of course!” 3. “Instead of tampering with nature, why not just let it be?” proposes Daruk Organa, an animal rights activist. “We have proved that we have the power to bring these species back to life, but now they need to be left alone in peace. Release these animals into the wild and let Mother Nature take her course. Be a friend of the environment, not the master of it.” 4. “These animals should be used for the benefit of all Junkies,” asserts farmer Urbosa vanStraaten, as she herds a flock of sheep around your office. “What a waste it would be to release them into the wild — they belong on farms! Imagine all that they could do for us, and the gourmet foods that we could make with their juicy, succulent meat!” 5. Dismiss the HYAAAA A Link to the Past? It's ya girl back at it again with the fish preservation. BIRD UP. A rock solid idea. THICK and MEATY. EAAAAGH. Vote! (View results) I'm kind of excited for the Olympics later. I want to see if all the sponsors are still gonna do the cool stuff they promised. Yamaha was gonna bring Miku, Nintendo was gonna bring Mario. It was gonna be a whole big deal. Also going to see a movie tomorrow, so I'm a little excited for that too. That's the end of voting for tonight. I'll see you all tomorrow for more. But first, a rather simple piece of state trivia. From the other 1/3 of the Carolinas, we have Tennessee! It's a pretty common notion that Netflix doesn't want you sharing their service, and pretty much everyone does anyways because **** 'em. However, in the course of ******* 'em, make sure nobody's a Tennessee cop beforehand. They've taken it a step further and outlawed sharing Netflix credentials. So... don't do that, I guess? I'm still gonna... prevnext +9 -Favorite +Favorite Unblock User's Content Block User's Content Sub/Block Channels Funisvoting:UploadUnblockBlockSubUnsubsubs: 290