FJ Nation 22: Guns, Gavels, and Thottin'

Guten abend, people of FunnyJunk. If you saw the comment I posted a few hours ago on the last one of these, you know this post is late since I witnessed a car crash behind my house. Now that that's out of the way, we can move on from that car crash to this train wreck. First, we got RESULTS from yesterday's installation, then we got Issues No. 698, No. 60, and No. 1106 up to vote. Don't deliberate and drive!

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Mention History

RESULTS:

FJ Nation 22: Guns, Gavels, and Thottin'. Guten abend, people of FunnyJunk. If you saw the comment I posted a few hours ago on the last one of these, you know t

Issue No. 597: You Can't Handle the Tooth
"Junkies incessantly needle their doctors for relief."

Issue No. 117: Stop the Suits, Say Surgeons
"Medical lawsuits are out of control."

ISSUES:

Issue No. 698: I Shot the Sheriff

The Issue: Recently, the Sheriff of Goose County was shot dead, seemingly without any motive. Further investigation revealed that the shooter had legally purchased a gun two days before, but had a history of severe mental illness, psychotic breaks, and paranoid delusions. Now, the process of purchasing firearms is being questioned.

Debate Points:
1. The shooter, Zuko Bach, swears that the killing was in self-defense, and strokes his teddy bear. “Me and Mr. Higgins here felt threatened by the police officer, so we had to defend ourselves somehow! You take away my firearms, and you’re taking away my safety! You start telling me I can’t have a gun because you don’t trust me, and BOOM, it’s slippery slope, all the way down to absolute tyranny!” He reaches for his sidearm to shoot you down, then remembers he has been disarmed. “Oh dear, Mr. Higgins, they’re eroding our liberties. You’re right, Mr. Higgins, that’s not good at all...”
2. “Safety? You’re worried about your safety around the police?” asks Goose County Deputy Sheriff Dennis Gillard. “We’re the police force, for goodness sake! We protect the people! There I was, observing the town, waiting for a report and enjoying a bagel, then this madman shoots the sheriff dead and takes a pot shot at me too! Look, nobody is saying that people shouldn’t be allowed guns, but isn’t it reasonable to require a background check, a review of medical records, and a gun licensing system?”
3. Jessica Mistletoe, local mall-goer and spoiled teen, offers a different solution. “Why don’t we just make a law that guns, have to be, like, really expensive? It’s not like those crazies are going to have a good job or anything. That way, only people who, like, are responsible members of society can get a gun.”
4. Nicholas Stuckmann, editor of Socialist People's Republic of FunnyJunk Magazine blows a raspberry at that idea. “What kind of nonsense is that? Letting the rich have all the power over the poor? I say that only the government is responsible enough to have access to firearms! That way, we can end capitalism and... wait, sorry, wrong proposal... I mean, we can end gun crime and make a safer nation!”
5. Dismiss the Issue

Justice for John Brown?

Freedom came my way one day.

They say they want to bring me in guilty.

Kill it before it grows.

And they say it is a capitalist offense.

Dismiss.

Vote!
(View results)

Issue No. 60: Supreme Court Nomination

The Issue: The death of 108 year old Supreme Court Justice Victor Malik has created an opening on the bench. Below are the possible nominees.

Debate Points:
1. Cary Sisko, the Former CEO of People's Republic of FunnyJunk Products, says, “I have long sat by and watched our government viciously attack the big businesses in this country. The government has no right to control businesses and I will adopt that position in all of my judgements.”
2. Reverend Heather Biscuitbarrel is nominee #2. The Reverend says, “I am sick and tired of the liberals in this country ruining our family values. Every day they assault our basic sense of decency. You must vote for me to keep our families safe. Think of the children!”
3. Gay Activist and former Senator Marco Gutnick is nominee #3. “Our people aren’t happy, we need more freedom, we need more civil rights. We must keep the government out of the bedroom. We must respect people’s right to privacy and remember that personal relations are just that, personal.”
4. Environmental Activist Sasha Neumann argues, “Our government has been constantly violating Mother Earth and her rights, all our politicians talk about are civil rights, civil rights this, civil rights that, blah blah blah. We aren’t important, what is important is the Earth!”
5. The last nominee is the retired Five Star General Anna Torres. “We are ridiculed throughout the international community for our low quality weaponry, our police and military numbers are not sufficient. Our military must be protected from both constitutional and civilian oversight. They should be given money, and a free hand.”
6. Finally, a tomato flies by your head flung by an angry protester. “We want to elect our own judges! This is a democracy! More power to the people! We don’t want a lapdog! Separation of Powers! Get the government out of the judicial system!” He chucks another tomato at you before security escorts him out of your private office.
7. Dismiss the Issue

Judge, Jury, and Executive Decision?

Corporate court.

Church of the chief justice.

Gay and gavel.

Class action activist.

General judiciary.

Democratic declaration.

Dismiss.

Vote!
(View results)

Issue No. 1106: Some Body to Love

The Issue: Teen pop star Sandra Delauter decided to celebrate her birthday and “just legal” status by selling her virginity to the highest bidder. The online auction has now closed, with the winning bid not far off the national average for six months’ wages.

Debate Points:
1. “This is my body and my choice,” squeaks Sandra in her annoying trademark high pitch lil’ girl voice. “Me and the buyer - whose identity I will absolutely keep confidential - are consenting adults engaging in free market capitalism. Just like in my new song, released next week: Free Love Doesn’t Come Cheap. By the way, have you seen your brother round here? I have a... uh... delivery for him.”
2. “This is totally demeaning to womankind!” complains ardent feminist Jane Larkin, her gaze lingering a little too long on the popster’s posterior as she leaves the room. “If you care at all about preventing objectification, about human dignity, about the unhealthy false assignation of value to virginity, about the last hundred years of feminist progress, you have to take a stand! Ban this online prostitution, and put money into teaching young girls why they should respect themselves more!”
3. “Half a year’s wages!” exclaims your Minister of Equality Juan King in disgust. “And how are the working poor meant to afford a price like that? Everybody should be entitled to a happy ending, not just wealthy fat-cats. You have to set a fixed price tariff for these services, as well as guarantees that a contract will be honoured, rather than leaving customers and prostitutes at the mercy of a free market.”
4. Dismiss the Issue

Pussy Pass?

Buying gf.

Buy some self-respect.

Set the Pink Standard.

Dismiss.

Vote!
(View results)

It is far later than it should be, but I'm home and I'm tired, so I'm gonna go back to *********** after this for tonight. Always remember to buckle up and watch where you're going when you drive. Or don't hijack cars, that guy looked sus. As for the legal trivia of the post: Delaware has outlawed Halloween on Sundays. If Halloween is on Sunday that year, they celebrate it the Saturday before instead.

Issue No. 597: You Can't Handle the Tooth "Junkies incessantly needle their doctors for relief."

Issue No. 117: Stop the Suits, Say Surgeons "Medical lawsuits are out of control." ISSUES:

Issue No. 597: You Can't Handle the Tooth
"Junkies incessantly needle their doctors for relief."

Issue No. 117: Stop the Suits, Say Surgeons
"Medical lawsuits are out of control."

ISSUES: