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Date Signed Up:10/29/2011
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My former account jolledolle lost it in a "roll pony you delete account thread"

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    Uploaded: 11/21/11
    Huuur im a hoers! Huuur im a hoers!

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#2003 - paintedgorilla (6 hours ago) [-]
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#1481812 - Id advise you to learn a programming language if you wanna do …  [+] (1 new reply) 08/24/2016 on Video Games 0
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#1481813 - paintedgorilla (08/24/2016) [-]
#127 - "I get terrified of men leaving the own homes to go outsi…  [+] (12 new replies) 08/23/2016 on This one needs feminism for... +19
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#140 - assassindash (08/24/2016) [-]
To be fair, I probably hate going outside much more than anyone else could hate me doing so.
#142 - legendarysnarf (08/24/2016) [-]
I hate going outside when its anything but cold out. i wont go for a run or anything, but getting wasted, smoking a j, and going for a walk in the middle of the night in winter is the best.
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#143 - assassindash (08/24/2016) [-]
.... I saw a dead Pomeranian frozen by the snow.....
#144 - legendarysnarf (08/25/2016) [-]
and ive looked into the eyes of a man and woman who have driven straight into a barrier on the highway, 65+ MPH. everyone sees terrible shit in their life, find something that makes you a bit happy and work with it, i HATE hot weather and i get really sad in the summer, like seasonal depression but with summer instead of winter. but winter, its so...quiet, and calm.
#147 - legendarysnarf (08/25/2016) [-]
and for the people who want to nitpick my use of "normal" here is the dictionary definition "conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected."
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#145 - assassindash (08/25/2016) [-]
That's WHY I hate going outside.

Outside is where shit happens, good or bad.

Except the bad is almost ALWAYS worse than how good the good can be.

When you're safe at home, nothing ever happens, and I like it that way. Fuck danger, fuck death, and fuck risk.

The worse that might happen on my own property is someone from outside fucking my inside up, and NOT in the fun way.
#146 - legendarysnarf (08/25/2016) [-]
what about heart disease?
being obese?
i can agree with you, i hate people and i hate the outside world, but at some point you have to grow up and say, "yeah life may be shitty a lot of the time, but its not about the shitty parts its about the good parts" and take this from someone who has tried to kill themselves, and has hurt themselves and has depression and all other BS, life fucking sucks, but god damnit, im not going to let some bullshit IDEAL tell me how to live or not live my life.
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#148 - assassindash (08/25/2016) [-]
Alright, I'm gonna put all of this in a spoiler, because it's pretty much my life story summed up.

I tried killing myself 4 times from when I was 8 years old to 9 years old, and gave up trying after the 4th time due to not knowing how to tie a knot, and being too afraid of how painful it would be to stab myself to death.

I did silly things to get any kind of positive attention at school because all the attention I got at home was negative and terrifying.

I got bullied because I did gross things for attention and laughs.

I was debating trying to kill everyone because the bullying made me lose a few friends who stopped being friends with me out of fear of becoming socially attacked.

and it all stopped when I almost broke a kids arm by throwing him in an almost full arc over my head into the ground. I started crying because he was hurt and my 12 year old mind hated hurting others as much as I do now.

Nobody talked to me, and nobody tried being friends with me in that school for around 4 years, unless the occasional school shooting happened where they tried to be friendly to prevent me from doing that. Jokes on them, I hated them even more for it, and i'd never do it anyway.

I did have a two year away period from that school, but my fucked up social mind was already making stupid decisions, and I also trusted the wrong people, the kind who learn what they can about you so they can get two minutes of attention at your expense, gossiping your flaws, of which I had quite a few, so their group could come closer by beating on one person.

I made two friends at that school, but one of them was gay and I lost contact with him entirely after he learned I wasn't.

I eventually went back to the other school, except now it was a high school full of a bunch of people.... Lo and behold, the rumors about me persisted for two years after I left, and I was still hated and outcasted.

I graduated early with a GED because I couldn't stand it anymore, and now i'm 19, trying to make a game because I can't deal with people knowing just how truly shitty even the "good" people can be. I've met only ONE person who stayed my friend, and every day i'm afraid I'll say something stupid and he'll stop being my friend.

Even my own birthdays were hell, one of the first friends I managed to make despite all this lost an eye to my uncle's dog and stopped talking to me entirely because of it. The next year I got to go to Lagoon for my birthday but immediately got grounded and forced to leave by my Dad because I was acting "too silly."

The next year I almost drowned at a pool my family went to.

We stopped celebrating my birthday after that.

And every vacation we went on were more for my parents rather than the family, leaving me and my sister alone in a hotel room with a TV that we didn't know how to work.

I think what I consider the best thing that ever happened to me was that feeling I got when leaving that one school to go to another.... Which is fucked up considering that didn't work out....

tL : dR (Life story)
From elementary to high school it's been hell, from home and back, and i'd rather be dead because there's nobody I want to be proud of me, and nobody whose tears would guilt me if I died, and I just want a lot of money so I can die in gluttony, rather than in poverty, and disappear so nobody will ever have to talk to me or mourn me.

I got lucky and avoided physical abuse, but I'll be honest, if I got that as well, i'd probably have been less afraid of using a knife to end my own life, and I wouldn't be here now. Physical abuse is different than mental abuse, but I honestly couldn't say which is better or worse.

My ambition for people in general was destroyed, my love for family as well, and I only care about 1, maybe 2 people.

I honestly have no idea what my mental state could be described as at this point. I'm 19 now.

That aside I'd like if you tell me why you're depressed, it might even help one of us.
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#151 - cognosceteipsum (08/27/2016) [-]
Buddy do you have Skype or something
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#152 - assassindash (18 hours ago) [-]
It's fine man, I'm not going to harm myself or others, I think a good way to describe myself is emotionally disconnected.

Even if that's the case, I have a strict moral code I swore to the day I told myself i'm going to stop trying to die.

The only worry I have is succeeding the economic game and not being a leech upon my parents until i'm 30. Though I think I should be fine, since my parents are upper middle class, so getting work shouldn't be too hard with contacts like they have. Especially considering one works for a hospital and the other works for construction.
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#153 - cognosceteipsum (18 hours ago) [-]
Well that sounds relatively durable. But in case you need to, tobas.skoldan2
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#149 - assassindash (08/25/2016) [-]
Though, I guess physical abuse causes mental abuse as well, so maybe physical abuse is worse. Either way abuse is abuse.
#648 - **paintedgorilla used "*roll picture*"** **paintedgorilla r… 08/21/2016 on Roll for a human waifu 0
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