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#6 - If you're healthy - you're beautiful. Remember that. A bit of …  [+] (6 replies) 06/06/2016 on Belly +1
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#7 - privatepumpanickel (06/07/2016) [-]
I was young then. My perception of my own looks/other people's looks and bodies has changed in many ways. Now I want to be more curvy as I have an athletic figure
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#8 - Mozzak (06/08/2016) [-]
Yeah, confidence came to me with age as well. I used to be a fat kid until the end of high school, later came depression (not standard, I had a very good reason) which drained me of the extra kilograms. Yay depression! But it changed me, made me a better person. A healthier person.

You know, you'll always strive for something. Ever since I've lost weight I'm always looking to start a gym membership and get some muscles going. I guess that's how life goes. When you have a goal and you succeed in achieving it, a bunch of other goals start appearing and you're never truly exactly where you want to be. Happiness comes from embracing your own self, whatever it may be. Wow I'm in a deep mood today.
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#9 - privatepumpanickel (06/08/2016) [-]
Lol yeah deepness.

I have faced some shit in my time also. Self-preservation was a thing I strive to keep learning....I have a personality disorder, which means I struggle with identity issues...the longest battle for me personally has been my narccisism. Everything I want in life is based on yearning to express myself, gratification from the rest of the world. In simple terms I guess i'm expecting the world to recognise the battles I have fought, and to just tell me "hey, you've done well".
I have many bad habits and I know my lifestyle is one that a general society would condemn. I call myself a walking contradiction, because narccisism isn't just "having a big head"...it's never being satisfied with anything, like you said. You strive for perfection not only in others but mainly yourself.

I think I had a pretty standard journey with my physical self-image. I experimented with my own "individual" fashions, went from alternative, to feminine, masculine etc.

Teen years fucking suck for all of that. And no I wasn't a popular kid.

What I can't get my head around is how many people have called me beautiful, in a genuine manner, yet the insults are what stay with us and what we dwell on.

However tbh I wouldn't say I have a problem with my image anymore. I am technically underweight as I said but for every time I was called "skinny bitch" or "spaghetti legs" I just thought well yeah but i'm not fat. But seriously though I really want to put the weight on. I used to eat like a fat person, literally. I could blitz through a buffet, always ordering take-outs...I also enjoyed good, wholesome home cooking. Finding a good restaurant, or a good recipe was and still is my hobby.
Because of circumstances over the past 2 years though I lost my appetite a lot. I felt my stomach physically shrink, like when I tried to eat what I could easily go through before, I felt it straining my abdomen.
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#10 - Mozzak (06/08/2016) [-]
I've met a few diagnosed narcissists a while back and you don't sound like one. You sound modest and nice. That means that you probably fully understand your issue.
I think everyone does strive for perfection to a certain degree. Given though none of us will ever truly achieve it, we need to learn when to feel good about making it to a certain point of the journey. Not demanding enough from yourself is equally as bad as demanding too much though.

I would say that the trigger for your personality disorder was all that constant criticism and "not being a popular kid". The world seems very comfortable for confident people and if at some point in your life you're not able to be that person, you're gonna be looked down upon as "the weird kid" or whatever else. Then you start to fake the confidence and it can easily go too far. I faked mine until it became a part of me. As well as that, probably with age, a lot of "I don't give a shit" thoughts came into my psyche.
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#11 - privatepumpanickel (06/08/2016) [-]
No, narcissism is only a trait of mine, which can rear its head now and then. I expect sympathy. I expect people to fully forgive me for the choices I've made. Tbh i'm scared of judgement.
Believe me there is many other reasons why I developed BPD, including family issues, abandonment issues etc.
One of my very few good traits is that I am reflective and analytical. I am constantly trying to improve, but am hard on myself in the process, and sometimes want it for the wrong reasons, for other people's reasons...
exact same happened to me with the confidence. I had crippling social anxiety and that's what led me to my first addiction, to prescription drugs, because they took the edge off my anxiety. But then I started College and it sounds crazy, but it justr changed within a day. I just decided that I was sick of this shit, I wanted friends, I wanted a social life...so I just thrown myself in the deep end, started from scratch....how to react, basic communication skills, introductions, facial expressions...

Reason being my first diagnosis was Asperger's. It's still not confirmed because I got the diagnosis taken for complicated, arguably unfair reasons...but I think I had some sort of adolescent behavioural disorder and "grew out of it", if that was possible...but I literally didn't know how to act. Spojke in a monotone, about subjects I liked, not knowing how to follow topics, how to display or respond to facial expressions....but I taught myself scratch, without any help. I taught myself a lot of things and i'm still learning today.
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#12 - Mozzak (06/08/2016) [-]
That's inspiring as hell!
You're a tough nut to crack. Respect.
I was disowned by my father a year ago for not giving him back some shitty piece of land that my mother took from him in court. In the meantime my mother kicked me out and I had to find a way to live alone, I've been alone since then. Had a real fucked struggle with that but after a year now, I think it truly made me better than I was before.
Seems like that entire "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." thing is true.

Maybe you need to forgive yourself for the choices you made. It's all in the past now, whatever it is. Everyone regrets a thing or two, that's normal, but you really should move on and focus on the now.