I realized recently that what I need to find is a woman who love me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I got a gay roommate. I got ground rules. I’m like, “You got to stay on your side of the shower.” And if he doesn’t, no more back rubs.
I shouldn’t say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.
I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, 'Whatever you are, be a good one.' I just don't feel like he should get credit for generalities like that. Like, 'How Are Ya?' -- Abraham Lincoln.
I'm Italian... Sometimes people come up to me and they'll be like, 'In Italy, it's pronounced 'Bir-Bee-Lya.' And I'm like, 'In America, you're annoying.'
I feel like there's too many cameras right now. Like, you go to buy something, and everything's also a camera. They'll be like, 'It's also a camera.' And I'm like, 'I just wanted a grapefruit.'
I was on the subway the other day, and the guy next to me was crying over a book. He was actually crying. So, I leaned over -- I go, 'You don't know how to read, either?'