Login or register
Login or register
Stay logged in
Log in/Sign up using Facebook.
Log in/Sign up using Gmail/Google+.
CREATE A NEW ACCOUNT
Email is optional and is used for password recovery purposes.
Have the FunnyJunk newsletter e-mailed to you
Min comment interval: 14 seconds
Remaining character count: 4000
[ + ]
Image or Video File:
Shortcuts: "C" opens comments. "R" refreshes comments.
Record voice message?
Click to start recording.
Enter Captcha Code:
Back to the content 'Title'
Anonymous comments allowed.
Sit down kiddos, I got a story
At the time, I was underage, just get home for spring break, no plans.
Get invited to party, we live in a country town, population 1000, easy to avoid trouble
Friend John has random from college
5 of us bros, show up at party, maxxin all cool
Dominate pong, nbd
John gets way too drunk, Random say's he'll stop drinking to drive
Go outside to get stoned, other bros don't smoke
John comes out with an empty vodka bottle
Asks "Where's Jordan"
"Dude he left like, an hour ago"
"AHHHH ******" and chucks bottle onto porch
Glass everywhere, people look out at noise, play it cool like nothing happened
John continues partying
1 hour later, hosts daddy shuts us down, drunkies were spilling **** on the floor and ****
"Party is over until this place gets cleaned up!"
People start cleaning, **** that.
Random brings John too me, almost passed out.
Need to leave, pronto.
Get him outside, he takes off
Bounces off car, sets off the alarm, dislocates shoulder
I jump on him, pop his shoulder back, he screams, shoves me off, runs to barn
Leans on bar, pisses, says his shoulder hurts.
Starts crying, "Dude my parents, they're gonna know man!"
Get him to car, toss Random my keys, lets go.
Riding, John says, "Dude, Aly was soo hot, I just wanna **** her"
We know man, we know.
Get to town, Random doesn't see speed limit change from 55 to 25
Middle of town, Main Street. **** **** ****.
License and registration, blah blah blah.
John was laying on the floor in backseat, covered by my luggage from college.
PASSED OUT, UNSEEN
Officer smells beer, takes Random out
Hear pig ask, "Have you been drinking?"
"Has your passenger?"
"It's only worse if you lie"
"Yes he has"
OK, know I'm not lying now.
Brings me out of car, get my ID.
"Have you been drinking?"
"And how old are you?"
Looks at me. Goes back to Random
Gives him a sobriety test, passes.
Get back in car, John starts moving
"John stay still, the cops right behind us and doesn't know you're in here!"
"SHUT THE **** UP JOHN!"
Stuff his mouth, he's still squirming
"John if you don't stop I'm dumping you in the dam"
Finally stops I see cop walk up to window.
"Alright guys, I see you're just trying to do the right thing, so this is only a ticket for violating a safety sign, the lowest offense"
Thanks officer, be on our merry way
End up at buddy's place where we stay the night
Pull into driveway as John upchucks on my seat and center console
Angry Drunk engage
Rip John out of car, kick his ribs, throw him against a tree.
He loses shoe, I drag him to the camper and throw him in bed.
2 hours later, he wakes up, stands in the middle of camper like a possessed bitch.
I'm worried, he's acting too normal.
I get up, grab cup
He insta-pukes as I thrust the cup to his lips, capturing all the vomit
Hold the cup to his lips, still Angry Drunk
He says thanks, goes back to his bed.
that was a good story, only 1 problem:
>Gives him a sobriety test, passes.
I call ********, sobriety tests are as unpassable as Jim Crow literacy tests
a sobriety test, is that like touching your nose while standing on one foot, or an actual test were they measure the amount of alcohol in your breath?
I always wanted to know if they really do those things in america
breathalyzer test is the one where you blow in the tube. field sobriety test is where they have you do ****
They do both in America. While it is easy to pass the cognitive test (walk the line, nose touching, follow the light with your eyes without moving your head etc.) they for some reason still insist on breathalyzing. Personally, I don't see a reason for both, unless the person blows a BAC under the limit (.08) but appears intoxicated. For people under the age of 21, they perform the cognitive test, then regardless of how you do, they breathalyze you (which I find pointless, either he's drunk and broke the law or he's sober and who gives a **** if he can't walk straight).
heh, funny, in belgium they use breathalyzing straight away, no matter how your cognitive skills are, and after 2 beers you're allready over the maximum :(
Both they measure the alcohol on your breath and your cognition by having you walk a straight line, touch your nose, etc
Having this name usually gets me to sad stories... This tho, **** was so cash
Back to the content 'Title'
Top in 24 Hours
South Park presidential debate
Lose Your Kid
one man's burn
Tumblr be like
Admin sings "a whole new world"
Ridiculous Tetris Skills
Anon makes a change.
The Original Dindu
World's Best Police Sketch
Repost lives matter
Latraysie Ifoop Xelyta
So had to go and get some eye drops..
TFW You Make an Epic GTA Race Comeback
The Last of Us
these plates are color coded
When you accidentally go to E621
Ferrets Eaten by Giant Worm
Sasutu Redoseysho Zeckasevab
Working From Home
Gosh Dang Vidyagames
FUCK THAT GUY
Just hire a POC, god.
SFW Porn Gifs
big ol' comp of movie set photos
revolver revolver revolver