so true.... ni. . is How MOST ED introit: x, tieing. How ciao. DMing STORY BITCHES >only few people on skype > have joke dungeon i threw together in 5 minutes >they get super lucky with crits. (play using crit tabl
x
Click to expand

Comments(288):

[ 288 comments ]
What do you think? Give us your opinion. Anonymous comments allowed.
#38 - rockmanfan ONLINE (01/04/2013) [-]
DMing STORY BITCHES
>only few people on skype
> have joke dungeon i threw together in 5 minutes
>they get super lucky with crits.
(play using crit table, it's more fun)
>rescue girl.
>dude walks in
>dude is actually CR 26 hellfire wyrm.
>2 players incinerated instantly
> barbarian cling on it's back for dear life.
> ******* ranger walks in
>crits dragon in eye
>rolled 100 on crit table
> instant kill.
>MFW a level 8 ranger single handidly took out a ******* hellfire wyrm
User avatar #110 to #38 - Sandisky (01/04/2013) [-]
I have no idea what the **** you just said
User avatar #139 to #38 - Mojake (01/04/2013) [-]
> DMing a small dungeon for level 1 party
> First dungeon with new characters
> Rogue, Fighter, Ranger and Wizard, standard
> Rogue had terrible ability rolls, so he doesn't do much
> Enter a large hall with a choker
> Choker kills Wizard and Ranger
> Rogue rolls 2 nat 20s in a row and instant-kills the Choker.
> 'no big deal'
#120 to #38 - GoReMoTe (01/04/2013) [-]
Los Tiburon best D&D run evar
#47 to #38 - bendeman ONLINE (01/04/2013) [-]
#86 to #73 - luderudecrude (01/04/2013) [-]
I have done that exact thing just wasn't a luchador. With the right combination of feats you can match a dragon
#80 to #47 - mahoney (01/04/2013) [-]
http://spiritsoffire.com/forum/index.php?topic=3954.0
the tale of old man henderson originally posted on /tg/ ******* cracks me up everytime i read it
User avatar #72 to #47 - XboxJunky (01/04/2013) [-]
That is ******* phenomenal.
#225 - totbros (01/04/2013) [-]
How mine end up...
#87 - Sabre (01/04/2013) [-]
>Playing 3.5 with some Pathfinder elements   
>Paladin in our group plays like an idiot man-child   
>My character (Lawful Evil) offers him a potion that we couldn't identify and tells him to drink it next time we get into a fight   
>Next fight turns out to be some powerful weird fey, fears half the party in the first round.   
>"Don't worry guys, I got this 			****		!"   
>Potion is a love potion   
>Buddy asks the DM since he shares an empathic link with his (moose) mount,  shouldn't it also be under the effect of the potion?   
>DM hesitates before answering yes   
>Mosse begins attempting to mount evil fey creature   
>20 to hit   
>penetration achieved   
>Paladin begins prematurely ejaculating in his armor   
>Mfw when watching a moose sodomize a giant evil fairy while a dwarf rolls around on the ground cumming... all because of me
>Playing 3.5 with some Pathfinder elements
>Paladin in our group plays like an idiot man-child
>My character (Lawful Evil) offers him a potion that we couldn't identify and tells him to drink it next time we get into a fight
>Next fight turns out to be some powerful weird fey, fears half the party in the first round.
>"Don't worry guys, I got this **** !"
>Potion is a love potion
>Buddy asks the DM since he shares an empathic link with his (moose) mount, shouldn't it also be under the effect of the potion?
>DM hesitates before answering yes
>Mosse begins attempting to mount evil fey creature
>20 to hit
>penetration achieved
>Paladin begins prematurely ejaculating in his armor
>Mfw when watching a moose sodomize a giant evil fairy while a dwarf rolls around on the ground cumming... all because of me


#331 to #87 - ashadowguy (10/19/2014) [-]
hilarious
hilarious
User avatar #332 to #331 - Sabre (10/20/2014) [-]
Glad you approve.
#107 to #87 - archoninterface (01/04/2013) [-]
Oh god, that was amazing XD
User avatar #89 to #87 - beamersmack **User deleted account** (01/04/2013) [-]
Yes.
#138 to #87 - VyeVedrai (01/04/2013) [-]
So. Beautiful.
So. Beautiful.
#90 - meteorswarm (01/04/2013) [-]
>Pathfinder   
>Fellow player builds crit machine archer   
>Invites me to duel before we begin session   
>am a wizard(no damage output), he thinks he's already won   
>I win initiative, cast sleep   
>coup de gras   
>win, watch him get pissed off
>Pathfinder
>Fellow player builds crit machine archer
>Invites me to duel before we begin session
>am a wizard(no damage output), he thinks he's already won
>I win initiative, cast sleep
>coup de gras
>win, watch him get pissed off
User avatar #134 to #90 - VyeVedrai (01/04/2013) [-]
I got one like that.
>Starting second quest of campaign
>Companion Assassin initiates a duel in a tavern
>He believes he can beat my Sorcerer, due to having few damage spells
>Accept duel since characters have mutual hatred for each-other
>Win initiative, proceed to cast Charm person
>Companion's mouth drops, he hadn't considered Sorcerer's effect spells
>Convince charmed Assassin that the duel is foolish and he should concede
>Laugh hysterically as the Assassin is forced to be my new best friend for the next few hours and began trying to tank for me in combat.
>Great day for magic users
User avatar #60 - ZalgotheImminent (01/04/2013) [-]
Here's my DM story, faggots.

>Doing a joke encounter with two friends.
>One's a Shadar-Kai ranger, the other's a werewolf warlord.
>Send a ******* of kobolds after them because **** you, kobolds.
>They somehow manage to survive for a while.
>Get to the top of a tower near some city walls where the kobolds have their slingers.
>Werewolf asks "Hey, can we try something?"
>"O...kay?"
>They start whispering to each other.
>"Alright, Zalgo, here's what we wanna do. I wanna jump on the Shadar-kai's scythe, have him sling me across to the wall, then turn full wolf form and maul one of the kobolds over there."
>"What."
>They both roll, Werewolf for Balance, Shadar-kai for Strength/Balance
>Natural twenties everywhere.
> **** THIS gay EARTH.
>Mauls a kobold.
>Other kobolds see this.
>Werewolf makes an Intimidation check.
>Why do the dice I lend people hate me so much?
>Natural
> *******
>Twenty.
>The kobolds on the same wall as him jump off to their deaths.
>The kobolds on the other wall hang themselves with their slings as makeshift nooses.
And that's the story of how those characters got to level 4.
#297 - mycatislookingatme (01/04/2013) [-]
>Be DM
>Friends are having sex with every goddamn quest charecter I give them becuase they keep rolling 20 for charisma checks.
>Get annoyed with one guy who's known for this esp.
>Set an "elf" woman as the lead of the high council in the town of Elanoria.
>He rolls a 20 for seduction roll again
>She takes him up to her room
>Come up with a cunning plan that's more cunning than a fox that's graduated from the Oxford University with a degree in cunning.
>I wrote in that she'd been expermenting with metamorphosis earlier.
>it'satrap.gif
>She penetrates his arse all night long while he's tied to the bed.
>He hasn't touched a quest charecter since.
#240 - ScruffytheJanitor (01/04/2013) [-]
I was a wizard in one of my cousin's campaigns. I challenged another wizard named Chad by telling him he couldn't reverse time. So, we were trying to reverse time together and I accidently blew up a city.
I was a wizard in one of my cousin's campaigns. I challenged another wizard named Chad by telling him he couldn't reverse time. So, we were trying to reverse time together and I accidently blew up a city.
#101 - grapejuice (01/04/2013) [-]
>3.5   
>Half-Orc Barbarian   
>Just a wall of muscle and stupid   
>Fighting demons   
>Get impaled by retriever   
>Only option is to bite   
>Critically bite it on the eye   
>It dies   
   
MFW
>3.5
>Half-Orc Barbarian
>Just a wall of muscle and stupid
>Fighting demons
>Get impaled by retriever
>Only option is to bite
>Critically bite it on the eye
>It dies

MFW
User avatar #65 - monkeybrains ONLINE (01/04/2013) [-]
Rogue Trader ends up the same way.

>Last Week
>Family over, couldn't get on till 2 hours later.
>Party is on-world.
>I play perpetually drunken ex-guardsman with a heavy Russian accent that drives the Rhino APC we have and is our only guy with Medical skills.
>They assume my character was passed out, so they leave a note saying where they are.
They're in a firefight with mercenaries. About 25 or so of them, vs 9 players.
>Get on, they wonder how to get me into the game.
>Someone jokingly suggests Kool-Aid man using our Rhino.
>DM: Roll for it.
>Make it, end up bursting through a wall, power sliding through 18 mercenaries, skidding to a halt right in front of the party.
>They do the whole, "OH NO" deal from Family Guy.
>I burst out of the driver's hatch with a bottle of Rotgut screaming in a thick Russian accent, "OH YEEEEEEESSSSS."
>One of the Mercenaries passes out at the sight of 18 of his fellow mercenaries brutally slaughtered by a giant metal box.
>Load up party, outrun Arbites in in a blood coated Rhino and head back to ship.

Back on the ship one guy suggested we remove the Mercenary's Kidney. My character, being drunk and impressionable, did it, because he's the only one who has trained medical experience. That kidney in a jar is now our mascot. Once I get enough insanity points I'm going to start talking to it.
User avatar #100 to #65 - aesgard (01/04/2013) [-]
**** boy that's amazing
#84 to #65 - electroshloob (01/04/2013) [-]
Take all of my thumbs.
#172 to #65 - deadrifler (01/04/2013) [-]
Not Rogue Trader in this one, but was a funny one I read on /tg/ for Dark Heresy a long time ago.
#61 - durkadurka (01/04/2013) [-]
>Implying the ending is a bad thing.
>Implying the ending is a bad thing.
#10 - scooba (01/04/2013) [-]
I like to think my party is more like this one.
#250 - predalien (01/04/2013) [-]
Funniest part of Monty Python to me right ni.
#206 - anon (01/04/2013) [-]
In one game we played for 7 hours. During those 7 hours we eradicated a plague in the kingdom, saved 3 PC's from being burned at the stake and rescued the King's son from being possessed by a hate generating demon.

And only then did we tell each other our character's names because we were literally thrown into the game full force.
User avatar #212 to #206 - thatnerdyguy (01/04/2013) [-]
Damn, your DM must have been good.
It can be difficult to both make sure everyone is engaged in the game, and still enjoying it.
User avatar #219 - BadManTaliban (01/04/2013) [-]
ive only played D&D twice. the first time, i was robbed of all my equipment by my party and left for dead in the middle of a frozen lake and i died by falling through the ice. the second time, we started out walking down a path and we all were going to hide from a passing force and i broke my neck falling out of the tree i tried to climb.

dice hate me.
User avatar #226 to #219 - BadManTaliban (01/04/2013) [-]
but anyway. id like to play again but id need to learn and stuff. anyone wanna play?
User avatar #228 to #226 - viscerys (01/04/2013) [-]
I didn't realise how possible it was to play D&D online without any software or subscription. All you need is a forum board!
User avatar #230 to #228 - BadManTaliban (01/04/2013) [-]
wanna join one or something? and would i need to buy a book?
User avatar #231 to #230 - viscerys (01/04/2013) [-]
The internet has ways for you to get them as pdfs. I've got all of the 4th Edition on pdf, and all three of the Gygax Memorial Edition AD&D1. I still have no clue how to play properly, though.
User avatar #286 to #231 - pukingrainbows (01/04/2013) [-]
It's not that hard, and only the DM really needs to know the rules. It's also easier over forums because you sometimes have a whole day to play your turn. The only gripes I have about DnD are that it can take a week to scour a small dungeon depending on your group. I remember at level one it took me and two others half an hour to kill four rats.
User avatar #328 to #286 - viscerys (01/05/2013) [-]
One of the best things about DnD, in my opinion is that there are ways around the rules. You could follow them rigidly and make combat a standard turnbased thing, or you can have things happen during a fight. I played a micro game with my friends, where we were tasked to kill a dragon on first level. We were getting the crap kicked out of us, until our ranger missed an arrow shot, and the arrow dislodged a boulder, which flattened the dragon. It was awesome.
#216 - xexion (01/04/2013) [-]
My friend's crash course into D&D
C is a enormously fat dwarf barbarian
Ca is a Half-elf Rogue
Neither have ever played.

We were doing this over skype and hadn't yet started but everyone was there when:
C: "Alright I throw my rope around Ca and make him my bitch"
Me: "...I guess we're starting"
I decide to show him the ropes (no pun intended) and make him roll to throw his rope around Ca, he fails miserably
Me: "Okay Ca what are you going to do about that?"
Ca: "I take out my sledge and hit him in the head with it"
************* .jpg
Rolls beautifully and almost knocks C unconscious.
C: "Wait can I berserk?"
Me: "...yea sure why not..."
C berserks and is promptly taken out by guards before any damage can be done. He was then thrown into jail and I threw out all notes I had planned as our merry group ended up breaking into the jail from 3 sides completely unbeknownst to each other. One with a group of bandits, one scaled a wall to go in from the top, and the other through the front door.
Next session I gave the 400 lb dwarf barbarian a babysitter since his only way to deal with problems was "can I bederk?" "yes" BEDERK!!!
And by problems I mean the librarian asking him a question.
User avatar #234 to #216 - kensislayer ONLINE (01/04/2013) [-]
we all have that one player. In my current group we have mostly serious part members so i decided to be a curious bisexual lecherous halfling bard. i have a cantrip where i pants people....its surprisingly useful
#258 to #216 - JudasLitl (01/04/2013) [-]
i tried to get my little brother into my D&D group, it was a mistake, he spent the entire game going 'i roll to rape that orc/halfling/dwarf/goat/chair' so i killed his character by having a guards rape his face, with spears. now he's no longer allowed at our games.
+19
#93 - divinity **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [-]
+2
#108 to #106 - divinity **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [-]
0
#109 to #108 - Bloodgartham has deleted their comment [-]
#17 - uifilms (01/04/2013) [-]
Story time virgins
So one day I was playing D & D.
Long story short in a dungine fighting a orc king in a long hallway
Made a makeshift fire bomb (molitov) with oil, a bottle, and alcohol.
Throw it
(Anger mode now)
******* CRIT FUMBLED IT
DEALS x2 DAMAGE
WAS IN MIDDLE OF OUR WHOLE TEAM
KILLS ME INSTANTLY
EVERYONE ELSE IS AT -8 OR -9
KING JUST WATCHES AS THEY BURN TO DEATH IN FRONT OF HIM
MFW I KILLED MY WHOLE TEAM AND 7.5 MONTHS OF TIME WASTED
#19 to #17 - lelelefrench (01/04/2013) [-]
I'n one of my matches I would have made it so the next campaign was of you guys escaping from the underworld and having to fight the devil or something and I would also punish you extremly by having it so in the fire your dick got burnt off.

User avatar #21 to #19 - uifilms (01/04/2013) [-]
Our amazing dungine master made it so the king sold our bodys to a rebellien necromancer. Who was basicly a spy. So he resarected us. I had a eye cut out tho so my aim from then on sucked ass. But we were looted of ALL our stuff, went back a level and had some permanit wound. I.e. missing ear, my eye, a finger. We all roled for it so they were pretty small tho other then that, like a scare.
#20 to #19 - lelelefrench (01/04/2013) [-]
not sure why i did i'n.. should have put in... incoming the grammar nazi's red thumbs.
User avatar #26 to #17 - sabdoor (01/04/2013) [-]
Fire? In a dungeon? Arent you worried about smoke and no oxygen?
User avatar #27 to #26 - uifilms (01/04/2013) [-]
No-well.... God damn it.

Maybe we should think our plans through...
User avatar #29 to #27 - sabdoor (01/04/2013) [-]
Lol. Im the strategist in our party. Its so much fun tryna find new ways to kill people.
User avatar #30 to #29 - uifilms (01/04/2013) [-]
I'm always the insane way of attacking. Other then that I used to be the semi-leader but after killing everyone... I just try not to screw up
User avatar #37 to #30 - sabdoor (01/04/2013) [-]
What Ed and Charie are you playing?
User avatar #31 to #30 - sabdoor (01/04/2013) [-]
That is a good idea trying not to screw up. If you ever wanna share war storries Im your guy to listen. love this ****
User avatar #160 to #26 - Mojake (01/04/2013) [-]
You seen that guy on D&D stories who sent a fire elemental running through a dungeon of Fire-Resistants and ended up suffocating them all as it burned up all of the oxygen?
User avatar #170 to #160 - sabdoor (01/04/2013) [-]
Haha. No, just personal party experience from noob days.
User avatar #171 - nousernameisleft (01/04/2013) [-]
First time playing d&d.
Get quest from old lady
Friend asks DM if he can rape lady
"Well why not?"
Friend rolls against her fortitude
Rolls 20
He rapes her
We proceed to kill her afterwards.
Why is this game not more popular?
User avatar #184 to #171 - abesimpson (01/04/2013) [-]
Maybe because television killed our imagination? or maybe because tv pop culture and society tells us that the game is for nerds (I know, I said the N word) and therefore shun d&d players? I can't find anymore reasons, Im sorry, I failed you...
User avatar #190 to #184 - nousernameisleft (01/04/2013) [-]
I dont care if people think we were nerds. We were all football players playing it while watching the superbowl. The people that say we are nerds wont say it to our faces
#122 - auesis (01/04/2013) [-]
MFW this entire thread
#6 - tiredofannon (01/04/2013) [-]
Every week my D&D group would end in the death of all of our characters after one of us would piss off the DM. "Well, why can't I use the dead guard as a shield?" " **** this quest, lets get drunk in the tavern." "I wanna roll a whore check or is that just streetwise?"
"The dead guard comes back as a zombie, bites you and you ******* die." " **** you all, cave in doing 20d20 damage." "The whore gives you aid and you give it to everyone in the group and you DIE!"

Fun times. Fun times.
#7 to #6 - tiredofannon (01/04/2013) [-]
AIDs*
#8 to #7 - anon (01/04/2013) [-]
AIDS* Acquired Immuno-Deficiency Syndrome. it's not a plural of an AID.
#12 to #8 - tiredofannon (01/04/2013) [-]
Yeah yeah I got the dumb.
User avatar #35 to #6 - sabdoor (01/04/2013) [-]
That aint right
[ 288 comments ]
Leave a comment
 Friends (0)