Home Original Content Funny Pictures Funny GIFs YouTube Funny Text Funny Movies Channels Search

hide menu
Anonymous commenting is allowed
#195 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
Okay... After reading some of the comments, I just want to enlighten some of you on a few things.

1) Bragging about your sex life on the internet is about retarded. I realize you are trying to get other people to think you are actually worth something, but let's face it. You're not.
2) Talking about your sex life on the internet, but with the "intention" of not bragging is equally retarded. "Oh, hurr hurr, I didn't know 2 hours was a long time! That's how long I had sex my first time!" Shut up. No it's not. Basically, it's still going to make you sound like a douche that doesn't know what they're talking about.
3) Keep that **** to yourself. There is absolutely NOTHING impressive about your sex life. Even if you think there is, there isn't. Plus no one really cares.
4) If something FUNNY happened during sex, then that would be something worth sharing. For instance, one time when me and my girlfriend were having sex, her chihuahua started licking my leg. See what I did there? I didn't claim to be lasting longer that anyone. Nor did I mention my ********* *********** (oops). All that you know about me is that I have sex with my girlfriend, and her chihuahua has a strange ****** for my hairy leg.
5) ‎"What sexuality you are is not the most interesting thing about you. Your personality and the person you are is much more interesting." - Hugh Jackman
6) Instead of trying to impress people on the internet with your BS stories, try making them laugh instead. Or enlighten them with new information. Or try to help someone instead who might be ignorant on the whole sex scene.
7) Any of you who are getting discouraged about not lasing more than an hour, don't worry about it. I didn't have sex prior to this year. Hell yeah I sucked my first time. And I'm not super great still, but at least I'm trying to improve... I have a girlfriend that loves me regardless of my poor performance. She knows I'm inexperienced, but she also knows I'm putting in effort.

Haunter semi-related.
#311 to #195 - Seventeen (12/10/2012) [-]
way to go the other way with the whole bragging about your sex life, buddy! by the end of that i was starting to feel like you were letting go of some really deep-seated concerns. don't worry, i'm sure your performance is at least average!
User avatar #334 to #311 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
No part of my comment was bragging. Perhaps you read it incorrectly...
User avatar #336 to #334 - Seventeen (12/10/2012) [-]
that's what i said, you went completely the other way with it xD i think you misunderstood my comment!
User avatar #337 to #336 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
Wow... we're stupid. lmao
#288 to #195 - garbleflab (12/10/2012) [-]
This summed up everything I had to say about this post in one convenient package. Shall we dance?
This summed up everything I had to say about this post in one convenient package. Shall we dance?
#291 to #288 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
Yes we may.
Yes we may.
#284 to #195 - jalthelas (12/10/2012) [-]
I wouldn't be able to talk about my sex life even if I wanted to, being that I haven't begun one. Does anybody know where I can buy a cheap one? I looked all over the AH, and even asked in trade chat. Nobody is willing to sell theirs.
I wouldn't be able to talk about my sex life even if I wanted to, being that I haven't begun one. Does anybody know where I can buy a cheap one? I looked all over the AH, and even asked in trade chat. Nobody is willing to sell theirs.
#283 to #195 - hadzz (12/10/2012) [-]
How do you feel about the 'forever alone' people that complain out never having sex?
User avatar #285 to #283 - hadzz (12/10/2012) [-]
*about
User avatar #289 to #285 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
It sucks that some people are unable to have something that they really, really want.
For a lot of people that are virgins, they want sex, but are unable to get it...
For the most part, it is their own fault. Whether it be from standards that were set too high, not understanding how to flirt/pick up girls, or other reasons, they are still able to FIX it and get laid if they really wanted to.
Now there is a lot of ****** advice out there, so these people are usually just lost and don't know who to listen to, or quite frankly, how the **** to get a girl in bed with them.
To be honest, all you have to do is try. Just ******* try. Persistence. Try and fail, but every time you will learn another way NOT to score with a chick. Eventually you will figure out how it works.

So basically what pissed me off is when guys (mainly) complain about the ******* friend zone. Honestly, grow the **** up. You have the tools to fix your damn problem, stop trying to get spoon-fed ****** and go earn it like a ******* man.
#270 to #195 - eyeblowbarrs (12/10/2012) [-]
worth the read
User avatar #264 to #195 - darkspawns (12/10/2012) [-]
Speaking of dogs during sex I was having sex with my girlfriend and her ******* dog ****** my ass not the cheek either the my actual ass hole -_-
User avatar #265 to #264 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
That's rough, buddy.
User avatar #266 to #265 - darkspawns (12/10/2012) [-]
Yeah instant boner kill.
User avatar #269 to #266 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
It's like pushing a reset button, which is terribly awful for the girl if she's doing something like giving you a blowjob. She doesn't want to be down there anymore than she has to... haha
User avatar #271 to #269 - darkspawns (12/10/2012) [-]
Yeah but I know what you're saying with number 7 I'm pretty inexperienced myself my current girlfriend is the only one I've had sex with when I was 18 (I'm 19 now b day was Saturday :D) and I usually don't go more then 15-20 minutes but she still ******* so it's fine but still working on getting better. It can be really discouraging I've had more then 1 mental cock block before, it's rough especially when she's really in the mood.
User avatar #272 to #271 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
My girlfriend only gets in the mood when:

1) I'm playing video games without her
2) She's had between 1 sip and 6 beverages of alcohol (anything past that is just sloppy)
3) After I finish a workout. Come the **** on, really? I'm dead ass tired and sweaty. Keep you filthy succubus hands away from me.
4) After I've been gone all day.
5) Anytime I have other **** to do (like study for finals)
6) Anytime between midnight and 3am when I have something important the next morning.
#244 to #195 - devout feminist (12/10/2012) [-]
This is a philosophy that should be consider in most "bragging" cases. Like the yesterday I was in the comment section of a humon post about girls in the UK having higher voices. I twitched a little at the failed subtle bragging of a girl being a "gamer girl". She said she didn't think she have a high voice because she was a "tomboy" and "gamer girl" (I play games myself, but who the **** refers to themselves as A GAMER GIRL).
It's like you said, you mention the funny, interesting, relevant info, but why say something like that? Just taking away the "girl" part would've done a difference, though it's still pretty messy cause I don't see how being a gamer affects your voice.
I don't really believe in the term Gamer Girl or whatever. Cause if you're a gamer, that's it. You don't need to verify gender, that's just making the diffrence bigger when there really is none.

Sorry I don't know why it bothers me so much I think it's just cause I don't like people widening the gender sterotype cleft. It's the same when Im playing LoL, or whatever the game(There's ragers errywhere), and someone insults someone like "Imma cut off your pea sized dick", and they reply with a "hehehee, but you can't cause Im a girl ;)".
Ugh.. It's a insult made in a fit of rage, it's not like they're actually going to do so why bother? And if they do come to yor house to do that SUPRISE MOFO SUPRISE!
User avatar #268 to #244 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
I hate "gamer girls". Not only do they usually suck, but they're also ****** to listen to for the exact reasons you explained.

I do, however, enjoy playing with girls that can just playing the ******* game like a normal person.
0
#213 to #195 - adxminisgay **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [-]
#210 to #195 - SemiAnon (12/10/2012) [-]
I do like how your stance on this is "everyone who lasts longer than I did is a liar."
I do like how your stance on this is "everyone who lasts longer than I did is a liar."
User avatar #219 to #210 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
I consider myself alpha. Anything past that is a lie. Just like cake and intelligent Justin Beiber fans.
#207 to #195 - bearpirate (12/10/2012) [-]
The first three times I had sex consisted of me entering my gf at the time for about two seconds and then pulling right back out to cum.

BETA AS **** YO!
#202 to #195 - xxpathofpainxx (12/10/2012) [-]
I approve of this post. Shows how everyone can not be a douche in today's society (which seems inevitable). Also the story was funny too.   
   
However I do not have a story to share because I'm a virgin, and my gf is too, we're both planning to wait until the right time to have it. Like marriage. Or past 6 months into the relationship. Go figure.
I approve of this post. Shows how everyone can not be a douche in today's society (which seems inevitable). Also the story was funny too.

However I do not have a story to share because I'm a virgin, and my gf is too, we're both planning to wait until the right time to have it. Like marriage. Or past 6 months into the relationship. Go figure.
User avatar #204 to #202 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
I waited until I was 22. My current GF is who I lost it to. I received a LOT of offers since I was about 17 or so... It was very hard waiting that long, but I'm glad I did. Some people are vigrins by choice. Most females in my experience (at least not the ****** ones, since I tend to date more intelligent people) actually loved the fact that I was a virgin... Obviously you have a gf now so you don't need to worry about it. But to everyone else, don't be afraid to tell people that **** ! Don't lie about having sex. Because if you're a virgin then have sex, and suck. She won't care as much. If you LIE... then she'll think you just suck in general.
+2
#215 to #204 - adxminisgay **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [-]
User avatar #218 to #215 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
Haha, my bad. I wasn't trying to sound douche-like. Just felt it could be necessary info in case someone else is in the same boat
#305 to #218 - devout feminist (12/10/2012) [-]
"I wasn't trying to sound douche-like"

"2) Talking about your sex life on the internet, but with the "intention" of not bragging is equally retarded."
User avatar #206 to #204 - xxpathofpainxx (12/10/2012) [-]
eeeeexactly. She prefers to wait and for me to wait, and loves the fact that I am a virgin still, despite all the temptation that has been bombarded my way (ex's, skanks, 12 year old hoes [which are a thing, I've asked my younger brother and he agrees with that statement], etc.) and personally sex is not the main course of the relationship. if you're just in a relationship for sex then its going to fail when either member is dissatisfied. I prefer to call sex the "side dish" of a healthy relationship.
#197 to #195 - bostpost ONLINE (12/10/2012) [-]
this is you trying to dig a hole in the fabric of funnyjunk's idiocy. Good intentions though.
this is you trying to dig a hole in the fabric of funnyjunk's idiocy. Good intentions though.
User avatar #198 to #197 - plumphat (12/10/2012) [-]
I've written things on here before that has hopefully enlightened some people.

I don't intent on changing every user's mind on certain things. Let's face it, most people on this site are kids and/or idiots. But maybe someone will see it and think, "oh yeah, maybe I should stop acting like that. This guy seems to know what he's talking about"
 Friends (0)