one liners. . EPIC ONE LINERS I) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad. fit) The early bird might get the wo
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one liners

EPIC ONE LINERS
I) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
fit) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
2) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching
them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them
to sit down and shut up.
all He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5] My mother never realized the irony in calling me a -
bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They
should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
T) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks,
tit) Sex is not the answer, Sex is the question. "Yes" is the
answer.
If I agreed with you, we' d both be wrong.
Hi) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
many is research.
11} I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn' t work that way.
So ll stole a hike and asked for forgiveness.
12] Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
13} We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than
the police.
14] A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station,,
15] I should' known it wasn' t going to work out between my ex-
wife and me. After all, I' m a Libra and she' s a bitch.
15] How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire'?
IT) I didn' t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
13) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for
me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so
I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21} Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) t: roadbed elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
25} Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few
weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very
edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made so many.
wrl I didn' t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like ******* for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won' t expect it
back.
31) Some people say "it you can' t heat them, join them". I say "If
you can' t beat them, beat them", because they will he expecting
you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
23) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34} A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such
a way that you will look forward to the trip.
M) Money can' t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier
to live with.
26) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others,
whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I' m about to be
devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed
touches my foot.
wtt) I don' t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn' t
die.
29) War does not determine who is right, " determines who is
left.
...
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Views: 16794
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Submitted: 05/19/2012
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Comments(43):

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What do you think? Give us your opinion. Anonymous comments allowed.
User avatar #31 - andrewjla (05/20/2012) [+] (3 replies)
heard some of these before...
User avatar #32 to #31 - vodwick (05/20/2012) [-]
WELL CONGRATULATIONS!
User avatar #18 - nightmaren (05/20/2012) [+] (10 replies)
17 Rustled my jimmies.
1. Humans didn't fight our way to the top of the food chain. We're the top of the food chain because we're the most intelligent animal and we have the tools to kill and eat whatever we want. No fighting involved.
2. You didn't do anything.

Other than that, everything else contained lulz.
User avatar #11 - herpderpberp (05/20/2012) [-]
I THINK ONE OF MY DADS ARE GAY.
#9 - derak (05/20/2012) [-]
<- Enlarge, that should be number 1.
User avatar #39 - warbek (05/20/2012) [-]
Most of these "one liners" are two lines long.
#22 - xxxsonic fanxxx (05/20/2012) [-]
Looking forward for part 2.
User avatar #13 - misterbonzo (05/20/2012) [-]
They should ban electronic cigarettes. They're giving all our robots iron lung cancer.
User avatar #6 - fuckya ONLINE (05/20/2012) [+] (1 reply)
Thats a whole lotta research you did there...
#20 to #6 - xxxsonic fanxxx (05/20/2012) [-]
User avatar #5 - miamimonster (05/20/2012) [+] (1 reply)
"Stealing ideas" from anyone without putting a source on the end is plagiarism, but if you cite your sources no matter how many people you reference it can be called research.

Which brings me to my point, all of these quotes are plagiarized since you didn't say where you found them.
#2 - xxxsonic fanxxx (05/20/2012) [-]
THis is the funny funnyjunk needs
#30 - draezeth (05/20/2012) [-]
I'm a Christian and found 11 HILARIOUS.

34 is mounted on a wall in my grandparents' parlor.
#27 - xxxsonic fanxxx (05/20/2012) [+] (1 reply)
11 Is soooo amazin xD   
   
mfw
11 Is soooo amazin xD

mfw
User avatar #14 - Juddo (05/20/2012) [-]
"Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them" - Anon.
#8 - xxxsonic fanxxx (05/20/2012) [+] (1 reply)
#32, i don't get.
User avatar #17 to #8 - RisenLichen ONLINE (05/20/2012) [-]
When people say "Dont hit a man with glasses" they're referring to the fact that you shouldnt hit a man that's wearing glasses. The way its meant in this context is not to take glasses and hit a man with them, but to take a bat and do so.
User avatar #37 - kirluu (05/20/2012) [-]
@#14: On both a bus station and a train station, they stop, to take on passengers. So on your "work station", there would be several work stations in the company or whatever you work in, where on each work station, the work will be worked with in one or another way, and then sent on to another workstation.
Busses and trains don't stop on their respective stations - they stop, and then they continue on.
User avatar #35 - kirluu (05/20/2012) [-]
Holy **** , I need to start using nr. 9.
User avatar #33 - professorderpy (05/20/2012) [+] (1 reply)
But money can buy happiness. Have you ever seen a sad person driving a speed boat?
#15 - holowichigo (05/20/2012) [-]
#11's a 						******
#11's a ******
User avatar #3 - whogivesadarn (05/20/2012) [-]
Winston Churchill ftw at the end.
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