one liners. . EPIC ONE LINERS I) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad. fit) The early bird might get the wo
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one liners

EPIC ONE LINERS
I) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
fit) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
2) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching
them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them
to sit down and shut up.
all He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5] My mother never realized the irony in calling me a -
bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They
should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
T) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks,
tit) Sex is not the answer, Sex is the question. "Yes" is the
answer.
If I agreed with you, we' d both be wrong.
Hi) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
many is research.
11} I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn' t work that way.
So ll stole a hike and asked for forgiveness.
12] Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
13} We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than
the police.
14] A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station,,
15] I should' known it wasn' t going to work out between my ex-
wife and me. After all, I' m a Libra and she' s a bitch.
15] How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire'?
IT) I didn' t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
13) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for
me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so
I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21} Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) t: roadbed elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
25} Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few
weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very
edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made so many.
wrl I didn' t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like ******* for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won' t expect it
back.
31) Some people say "it you can' t heat them, join them". I say "If
you can' t beat them, beat them", because they will he expecting
you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
23) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34} A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such
a way that you will look forward to the trip.
M) Money can' t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier
to live with.
26) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others,
whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I' m about to be
devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed
touches my foot.
wtt) I don' t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn' t
die.
29) War does not determine who is right, " determines who is
left.
...
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Views: 16753
Favorited: 343
Submitted: 05/19/2012
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Comments(43):

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Anonymous commenting is allowed
#46 - anonymous (05/20/2012) [-]
Comment Picture
User avatar #39 - warbek (05/20/2012) [-]
Most of these "one liners" are two lines long.
User avatar #37 - kirluu (05/20/2012) [-]
@#14: On both a bus station and a train station, they stop, to take on passengers. So on your "work station", there would be several work stations in the company or whatever you work in, where on each work station, the work will be worked with in one or another way, and then sent on to another workstation.
Busses and trains don't stop on their respective stations - they stop, and then they continue on.
User avatar #35 - kirluu (05/20/2012) [-]
Holy **** , I need to start using nr. 9.
User avatar #33 - professorderpy (05/20/2012) [-]
But money can buy happiness. Have you ever seen a sad person driving a speed boat?
User avatar #34 to #33 - orthornicun (05/20/2012) [-]
i havnt but there are a few cases of people going out to sea in a speed boad and sinking it
User avatar #31 - andrewjla (05/20/2012) [-]
heard some of these before...
User avatar #38 to #31 - andrewjla (05/20/2012) [-]
i say one little thing and FJ has a ********* ...
User avatar #36 to #31 - kirluu (05/20/2012) [-]
I think we're all terribly sorry that it wasn't made specifically for you, to make you a happier person. Sorry indeed.
User avatar #32 to #31 - vodwick (05/20/2012) [-]
WELL CONGRATULATIONS!
#30 - draezeth (05/20/2012) [-]
I'm a Christian and found 11 HILARIOUS.

34 is mounted on a wall in my grandparents' parlor.
#27 - anonymous (05/20/2012) [-]
11 Is soooo amazin xD   
   
mfw
11 Is soooo amazin xD

mfw
#29 to #27 - anonymous (05/20/2012) [-]
Number 24 big lol
#22 - anonymous (05/20/2012) [-]
Looking forward for part 2.
User avatar #18 - nightmaren ONLINE (05/20/2012) [-]
17 Rustled my jimmies.
1. Humans didn't fight our way to the top of the food chain. We're the top of the food chain because we're the most intelligent animal and we have the tools to kill and eat whatever we want. No fighting involved.
2. You didn't do anything.

Other than that, everything else contained lulz.
User avatar #23 to #18 - xankon (05/20/2012) [-]
we naturaly evolved to become bipedial, and with that change we bacame the most fastest and agile primate of all, we are naturaly gifted with the inteligence because it came following our new physical freedom. Ex a man encounters a lion, he runs towards a tree, jumps, makes what we call today a "wallrun" and reaches a brench, then pulls up. now this is where the intelligence kicks in, the brain has to be able to understand the physics of our body movement, and predict the position of the lion behind us, and when should the man start jumping, when should he start doing the wallrun, why he has to do it in order to reach and higher brench and become unreachable for the lion and pulling himself up with little time he has, before the lion, wich the brain has predicted a velocity, jumps and reaches and estimated high. It seems simple, but to be able to think about all of this in a few seconds filled with adrenaline, is what made us evolve in terms of intelligence. Wich later we used to build tools, wich eventually took us froom running, to hunting, since we had more physical freedom, that ment we had a whole new domain for hunting just waiting for us...
User avatar #40 to #23 - nightmaren ONLINE (05/20/2012) [-]
So we became a sapient species because we could tell how high up into a tree we needed to climb to avoid getting killed?
Doubts.
User avatar #41 to #40 - xankon (05/20/2012) [-]
it´s a specific example. There are many other factors that would include running, but included fighting back... natural selection made those who could do both running and fighting with itelligence survive, so we eventualy bacame able to hunt, and adapt our running skills to actually chase a victim, now imagine the oposite, a human hunting a animal wich climbs a tree in hope to survive. Bad luck humans can climb the ******* tree. xD
#28 to #23 - jurksee (05/20/2012) [-]
Animals have an understanding of physics as well. It's rare to see a lion jump too soon over a cliff, and fall into nothingness. It doesn't work that way, we aren't faster or more agile than any other primate, hell, we are some of the weakest. A chimpanzee can lift more weight than most bodybuilders, because their bodies are suited for the wild life. What humans were capable of doing, was to build tools, traps, whatever.
User avatar #42 to #28 - xankon (05/20/2012) [-]
we can run faster than anyother primate, scientificly proved. what you are saying is correct we are week, we lost streght, but we gained agility, you just need to push for it as the wild life would do to you. our muscles are the more efficient than all other primates, thats why we run faster that all others
0
#44 to #42 - xankon has deleted their comment [-]
#43 to #42 - jurksee (05/20/2012) [-]
What? I'd like to see you run from an orangutan. The world's fastest sprinter might be able to run faster than a monkey, but I doubt your average joe would.

Also, primates weren't our only enemies back then.
User avatar #45 to #43 - xankon (05/20/2012) [-]
put me and the orangutan in the middle of the city and ill tell you if he can catch me... or in a forest if you like
User avatar #19 to #18 - albetrois (05/20/2012) [-]
Obviously we had to fight to get to the top. Things such as Lions, tigers, bears, snakes and many more deadly animals would have killed us if we didnt have to fight them a long time ago.
User avatar #21 to #19 - nightmaren ONLINE (05/20/2012) [-]
Do you mean when we were pre-humans, like Austrolepithicus or whatever?
We evolved from long-distance runners, we weren't wrestling with lions, we just ran away from them. And during that time, we weren't even close to the top of the food chain. It wasn't until we started building tools and shelter, and thinking more, that we started to climb our way up the food chain.
#15 - holowichigo (05/20/2012) [-]
#11's a 						******
#11's a ******
User avatar #14 - Juddo (05/20/2012) [-]
"Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them" - Anon.
User avatar #13 - misterbonzo (05/20/2012) [-]
They should ban electronic cigarettes. They're giving all our robots iron lung cancer.
User avatar #12 - burnboy (05/20/2012) [-]
39 one liners...what an odd number to end on.
User avatar #11 - herpderpberp (05/20/2012) [-]
I THINK ONE OF MY DADS ARE GAY.
#9 - derak (05/20/2012) [-]
<- Enlarge, that should be number 1.
#8 - anonymous (05/20/2012) [-]
#32, i don't get.
User avatar #17 to #8 - RisenLichen (05/20/2012) [-]
When people say "Dont hit a man with glasses" they're referring to the fact that you shouldnt hit a man that's wearing glasses. The way its meant in this context is not to take glasses and hit a man with them, but to take a bat and do so.
User avatar #6 - fuckya (05/20/2012) [-]
Thats a whole lotta research you did there...
#20 to #6 - anonymous (05/20/2012) [-]
User avatar #5 - miamimonster (05/20/2012) [-]
"Stealing ideas" from anyone without putting a source on the end is plagiarism, but if you cite your sources no matter how many people you reference it can be called research.

Which brings me to my point, all of these quotes are plagiarized since you didn't say where you found them.
User avatar #16 to #5 - orthornicun (05/20/2012) [-]
YOU SIR have a good point most of these were - anonymous though
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