poop. . All in all, it hadn' t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of
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poop

All in all, it hadn' t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning
computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething
cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over
hours since I' d last taken a dump. I' d tried to jumpstart the
process, beginning my day with a bowl fiber cereal,
following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a lunch
at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with
subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things
would be happening soon. Alas, Ihad to stop at the mall to pick up an order
for my fiancee. I completed this task, and as Iwas walking past the stores on my way backto the
car, Unoticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Gol" This was prophetic, for my colon
informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about
to go.
I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have
numbered o through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:
C) ocupied.
l. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it' s next to the occupied one.
2. Poo on seat.
3. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
ril. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of
toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped tron and
sat down. I' m normally a fairly Shameful Shatter. Twasn' t happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
Iwas just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds
of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering
the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone
conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Chat of
Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on Mr. Shatter was
blathering to Mrs. Shatter about the shatty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting
for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, angrier and angrier, thinking that I,
too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no
uncertain terms that if I didn' t get mapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamelessness. I no longer
care d. I gripped the toilet pap er holder with one hand, braced my other hand
against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded
with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone
ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being tom off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated tone, not
unlike someone firing up a Harley. Emanated to hit the resonance frequency
of the stall, and it shook gently.
Cance my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became
apparent) 1) The conversation had ceased; (2) my colon' s
continued seizing indicated that there was more to come, and (3) the
bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a
gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way underlie stall and began
choking my poop -mate. This initial "herald" fart had
ended his conversation in .
Oh my Go d," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of
choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn' t me (cough, gag), you could hear
that gags?"
Now there was no stopping me. Iaughed for all I was worth. I could swear
that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and
blasts, Iwas actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in
me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later,
in surveying the damage, I' d see that liquid poop had actually managed to
ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now,
alli could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he
desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made
themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horible... throw up...
followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one' s phone and wipe one' s bum at
the same time. Just as my abuse of the toilet was winding
down, Iheard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear
words and gags. My poopchute had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I
could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal
announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily
into the water. That must have been the last straw. Iheard a flush, a
fumbling with the lo ck, and then the stall do or was thrown open. I heard him
running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
I / 06( Wed) 065407 No. 13457460
After a considerable amount of paperwork, Igot up and surveyed the damage.
I felt bad for the janitor who' d be forced to deal with this, but I knew
that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that
unholy mess. Flushing would only ad to a floor flooded with filth.
As Lleft, Balanced into the stall. Nothing remained in the bowl.
Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom
with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a
face glaring at me. Buti saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has
managed to transfer my Shamelessness to my anonymous poopchute. Ithink itll be a long time before
he can bring poop in public -- andl doubt hell ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.
And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in theb athro om.
...
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Views: 35336
Favorited: 215
Submitted: 12/27/2011
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Comments(105):

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What do you think? Give us your opinion. Anonymous comments allowed.
User avatar #33 - fapping (12/27/2011) [+] (2 replies)
okay .....we need a new word for this intensity of "hilarity" ..
The words "lol" and "lmfao" just don't ******* cut it .....lets come up with something as a team

TSWSFFTISFC!
this. **** .was.so. ******* .funny.that.i.started. ******* .crying :D
#43 - crimsondementia (12/27/2011) [+] (1 reply)
That was a beautiful tale. thumb for you sire.   
   
Pic somewhat related.
That was a beautiful tale. thumb for you sire.

Pic somewhat related.
#42 - shnoople (12/27/2011) [+] (1 reply)
Holy 						****					 that was funny
Holy **** that was funny
#49 - AwzmNorwegian (12/27/2011) [+] (5 replies)
Comment Picture

+16
#50 to #49 - magicpicturebox **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [-]
User avatar #66 - psychotec (12/27/2011) [+] (1 reply)
I lol'ed so hard, i sat there clapping like a retarded seal
#48 - phorman (12/27/2011) [-]
oh my ******* word i could not stop laughing, this was the best 4chan post iv seen.
#18 - blarrick (12/27/2011) [+] (1 reply)
**blarrick rolled a random image posted in comment #67 at In Thailand **
i remember my first time reading this. good god it was the funniest thing i'd ever heard, now i say first time which implies that this is a repost, which it is, but i dont give a **** (no pun intended), this is hilarious and still made me laugh just as much as the first time reading through. the guy who wrote this does not deserve a medal, he deserves to have this story published into a movie, and then receive an oscar(medal) for said movie.
User avatar #4 - NadoSecretAsianMan (12/27/2011) [-]
This man needs to write novels. About everyday incidents. Like ******** .
User avatar #80 - OriginalContentFTW (12/27/2011) [-]
i--- i--

i sort of want to see a picture of his **** .
#60 - rachelthemartian (12/27/2011) [+] (1 reply)
I've got a better story.

I had a terrible day.. Working, dealing with customers, the usual. It was about 8 when I got off work, and I hadn't had my break all day so I decided to use the bathroom before heading home. I get in the stall, and sit down. Thinking over the things I needed to do for the day, I'm disrupted By the door of the bathroom opening. Someone else had clearly entered, and I decided to pay them no mind. Then I notice they occupy the stall next to me, breaking the bathroom protocol. Then my wife calls, so I decided to answer the phone. I go on talking to her about my crappy day, starting from when I woke up. All of a sudden, the person in the next stall lets out this never ending, wet sounding, and all together disgusting fart. It lasted at least 30 seconds. The smell made me gag, I could barely breath. My wife asks me what the noise was, and before I could answer, the guy starts ******** as loud as possible. I'm at the point now where I'm desperately trying to get my wife off the phone so I can clean myself and get the hell out of this bathroom. I manage to say goodbye, but as I stand up I lose grip on my cell phone and drop it in the toilet(keep in mind this guy is still taking the dump of his life next to me). " **** ! WHAT THE **** IS THIS?!" I say. I stand there, contemplating the different ways I could retrieve my phone. I wrap toilet paper around my hand and try to grab it out of the poo-inhabited water, and though I did grab it my hand got soaked with toilet water. I quickly zip my pants up, try my best to open the lock to the stall as fast as possible. The stench of this guy's waste is causing my eyes to water and my throat to burn. I run out of this bathroom as fast as I can, slamming the door behind me and sprinting to the mall exit.

By far the worst experience of my life, I'll never use my phone in the bathroom again.
User avatar #29 - LSkywalker (12/27/2011) [-]
im ****** crying XD
User avatar #2 - stickmanz (12/27/2011) [-]
this has, and always will be my favorite story from 4 chan
#72 - effzero (12/27/2011) [+] (1 reply)
Comment Picture

User avatar #75 to #72 - Macmaster (12/27/2011) [-]
you're missing out on teh lolz
#30 - airvents (12/27/2011) [-]
I luaghed so hard I couldnt breath at all, OP is a god among men.
User avatar #26 - ragnarokhound (12/27/2011) [-]
I laughed so hard I started crying XD
#7 - dancingxghosty (12/27/2011) [+] (2 replies)
I was laughing so hard as I was reading this. My grandparents were very concerned at why I was laughing. Bravo sir.
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