MITCH HEDBERG. PART ONE When me and mg friends world Trip on acid, we used To go int
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When me and mg friends world Trip on acid, we used To go into The woods, Cause There
was Less of a chance That we' d run into an authoring figure. Be we ran into a bear,
Thar was even more of a . There was mg friend Duane, Raising his right hand,
swearing To bet prevent (arest Tires. We gm awak Tram The bear, He puts his arm
around me and sags ", Smokey is wag more intense in person“
T Like To pinch The microphone cord Like This. T pinch " together, gnd [ " go. Then
gou hear a whole bunch of jokes M once.
an Cr MT a tr riend insi e o a Tent. ats a a Lace or an
Ct , Because Then T Tried to out and slam The is . How are Lou esed To
express gour anger in This situation? Zip LT up ream quick? ... “ **** w" >. >
T met The gm who works er The Dome Tree Tram desk. %, gave me her Wane
number. Tes "ct... T Tried To cpl horn here, some other woman answered. T said,
you sound order."
Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards To a special woman. Be This
can because magby The song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now ifs been
cheapened. "We are The world, we are The children. We are The ones who make a better
Remember That song, sci? The night T Tucked gou in
The pm cemetary... Tbags our son."
Life, so reis keep on giving...
T went and bought a donut and Theg gave me a receipt Tor The donut. we do not need
To bring ink and paper into This.
gou find yourself Lost in The woods, Tuck , build a house. Ives, T was Cost but
now T Live here. T have severely improved mg predicament
T Love escalators because Theg can never break. >' ‘ LL never see a ”escalator Temporarily
out J service sign orly escalator Temporarily stairs. sow for The convenience.
T was gr a bar once, and no one was Talking To me 'as T just did a show, and T ran
into a mg, and instead " saging excuse me he said get The WELL out of mg wag,,
so T said to To hem“, and T ran awak. l caught up To me, he had on a hm a nose
ring, an eyebrow ring, a goatee, a Tongue ring, and l, earrings. He said “Hog man, gou have
a Lot of nerve," and Then T said Meg man, gou have a Lot of cranium accessories
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Submitted: 09/17/2011
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#15 - happybutler (09/17/2011) [-]
If you find yourself lost in the woods, **** it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament."
User avatar #4 - hypnobunny (09/17/2011) [-]
Love him. "I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
User avatar #3 - chuckbob ONLINE (09/17/2011) [+] (1 reply)
My favorite joke: I used to have really long hair, and people thought I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy, they'd say "that ****** eats cake! He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
User avatar #54 - ZenMacros (09/18/2011) [-]
"This shirt is dry clean only, which means its dirty."
#29 - sandvichiscredit (09/17/2011) [+] (2 replies)
I walked by a dry cleaner once at 3 in cake morning cupcakes cake sign said "sorry, closed"
You don't have to apologize, it's 3 in cake morning, it would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.
#43 - bertamoonlight (09/17/2011) [-]
My first time getting dedz :]
#21 - Flicker (09/17/2011) [+] (1 reply)
User avatar #6 - diamondminer (09/17/2011) [+] (4 replies)
"I want to make a show called Where are they now, but its about people who are really easy to find."

i wish he was still here, he was an upbeat philosophical comedian, we need more of him. **** dane cook, we need Mitch Back.
User avatar #5 - yousexything (09/17/2011) [-]
" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask them where they're going and hook up with em' later"
#26 - flymeariver (09/17/2011) [-]
My personal favorite is "I have a wallet . It's orange . Just in case I want to catch a deer . That doesn't even make sense ."
#14 - theukrainetrain (09/17/2011) [-]
I used to do drugs....

I still do, but i used to, too. hehe
User avatar #44 - mattzlo (09/17/2011) [-]
Mitch is the single funniest man ever, he is an inspiration to me everyday and one of the biggest reasons i want to be a stand up comedian R.I.P. Mitch i will never tier of your jokes.
User avatar #36 - ninjafridge (09/17/2011) [-]
I read these in his voice.
#27 - jonfootpenis (09/17/2011) [-]
**jonfootpenis rolled a random image**
#16 - rottingwurm **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [+] (2 replies)
User avatar #18 to #16 - fjmod (09/17/2011) [-]
If you would have read part one, I told everyone that if they brought back quotes, I would give them deds for finding them
#49 - dwarfman (09/17/2011) [-]
An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
#42 - uberslayer (09/17/2011) [-]
"I can't wear turtle necks. Whenever i wear a turtle neck, i feel like i'm being strangled by a really, really, weak guy, all day long"
#38 - ProfessorB **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [-]
User avatar #31 - xchewsifferx (09/17/2011) [+] (1 reply)
please just stop saying "cake" cupcakes "cupcake" it's... it's killing me from cake inside
User avatar #32 to #31 - xchewsifferx (09/17/2011) [-]
why cake hell are my words being substituted?! not ******* cool Carlton Banks
User avatar #23 - awesomeguyTS (09/17/2011) [-]
"If you are flammable, cupcakes have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
-Mitch Hedberg
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