Ce, so I got a slapchop.
This dirty son of a bitch Vince Convinced me that this invention would save time, and help me eat healthy.
Fuck Vince and his goddamn nuts.
fettuccine, linguine, martini, my weenie you douche bag.
Let me tell you what this holy terror of a kitchen utensil nothing.
Let' s look at a few things:
1. This thing is made of plastic and has a sharp blade hooked to a sprung and a plunger.
This is a poor combination to begin with.
Z. The slapchop is about the size of a Coffee grinder, which means to you need to slapchop size your food prior to actually using the
slapchop. In order to do that you need a knife, ifl have a knife in my hand already I may as well chop the fuckin vegetable right then
3. One slap for large sizes, 2 to slaps for smaller sizes, three slaps for a tine daftic. fuck you.
Here' s what it actually goes like, One slap, twist and pry on plunger because vegetable is wedged in the cutting mechanism. Two
slaps, still fucking wedged and no the last shap.... why? because the fucking blade didn' t actually cut anything.. itjust did a
quarter turn with potato stuffed inside. Three slaps, another quarter turn and now your potato is wedged so far into the fucking
machine the plunger won' t aome out.
Now since the veg is stuffed deep inside this devil contraption you must now take the damn thing apart, easier said than done. Vince
says "its easy as one two three" FUCK YOU VINCE!
Its easy to take apart sans potato stuffing however Once those blades are full it becomes more difficult.
Picture this, a slapchop full of potato. the plunger is stuffed all the way to the bottom so you cael undo the top part, and it won' t turn
enough to pry the bottom protector part off.
Now keep in mind that this contraption has a sharp fucking blade in it... so using your fingers to pry out the potato chunks is ill advised.
What do you do? Get a tool if course.... now because you already had to cut your vegetable to slapchop size you happen to have a
knife close by,
It only makes sense to use that to dig out the jammed Veg.
Oherro.. at this point the slapchop is no longer a slapchop, it suddenly becomes a spring loaded vegetable cannon!
As soon as you wiggle a tiny piece of the vegetable in question out of harms way you can fully expect to get showered in large chunks
of potato (or onion, or peppers}... remember these are large chunks that tly fast and hard.... because this stupid fucking device hasn' t
actually CUT ANYTHING!
I am going to personally kill the man that invented this goddamn thing... in fact I' m going to use it on his nuts.... because Vince says it
works great on nuts... in fact so well that we are going to love his nuts.