Jokes Compilation 2. PART 1 /funny_pictures/1258855/Joke+Compilation+1/<br /> Part 3 /funny_pictures/1263006/Jokes+Compilation+3/<br /> Part 4 /funn omg who said You could read me
x
Click to expand

Jokes Compilation 2

AUSTRALIAN KISS
wan‘: an AUSTRALIAN KISS?
me SAME THING as A RENO}! KISS, may DOWN UNDER!
LIGHT AND HARD
WHAT' S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIGHT AND HARD?
YOU GAN GO TO SLEEP WITH THE LIGHT ON.
SPEEDING TICKET
THE an, GOT OUT OF HIS GAR AND THE KID, THAT WAS
STOPPED FOR SPEEDING, ROLLED DOWN HIS WINDOW. "I'
BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ALL DAY," THE an, SAID. me GUY
REPLIED, "YEAH, WELL I GOT HERE'S FASTES I GOULD. "
WHEN THE GOP FINALLY STOPPED LAUGHING, HE SENT me
KID ON HIS WAY WITHOUTH TICKET.
CHUBAKA
WHEN YOU GUM IN A GIRLS FAGE AND YOU
PUBES (DOING IT BEFORE HAND WILL SAVE TIME) AND
THROWING IT IN HER FAGE SO SHE LOOKS ALL HAIRY AND
NASTY, WHILE SHES STILL SWALLOWING YOUR JUDGE St? SHE
HAS A MAKE THAT CHUBAKA SOUND
WOMEN
WHAT IS A WOMAN IO FEET FROM THE KITCHEN?
A. LOST
WHY DON' T WOMEN WEAR WATCHES?
A. BECAUSE THERESA GLOCK ABOVE THE STOVE
I) KNOWLEDGE IS KNOWING A TOMATO ISA FRUIT. WISDOM
IS NOT PUA' I' ING A TOMATO IN A FRUITSALAD.
2) THE EARLY BIRD MIGHT GET THE WORM, BOT THE SECOND
MOUSE GETS me GREESE.
3) CHILDREN: YOU SPEND THE FIRST TWO YEARS OF THEIR
LIFE TEACHING THEM HOW TO WALK AND TALK. THE NEXT
SIXTEEN.’ SPENT TELLING THEM TO MT DOWN AND SHUT UP.
4) HE WHO SMILES IN A CRISIS HAS FOUND SOMEONE TO
BLAME.
5) MY MOTHER - REALIZED THE IRONY IN GALLING ME
6) POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON.
BOTH BE CHANGED REGULARLY, AND FOR me
SAME REASON.
D I THOUGHT! WANTED A CAREER, TURNS OUT! JUST
WANTED PAYCHECKS.
SEX IS NOT THE ANSWER. SEX IS THE QUETION. "YES" IS
THE ANSWER.
9) IFI AGREED WITH YOU, WED BOTH BE WRONG.
IO) TO STEAL IDEAS FROM ONE PERSON IS PLAGIARISM. TO
STEAL FROM MANY IS RESEARCH.
II) I ASKED GOD FOR A BIKE, BUT I KNOW GOD DOESN' T
WORK THAT WAY. SO I STOLE A BIKE AND ASKED FOR
FORGIVENESS.
ttl LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND. THIS IS WHY SOME
PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.
WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY WHERE PIZZA GETS TO YOUR
HOUSE FASTER THAN me POLICE.
A BUS STATION IS WHERE A BUS STOPS. A TRAIN STATION
IS WHERE A TRAIN STOPS. ON MY DESK, I HAVE A WORK
STATION.
I SHOULD' KNOWN IT WASN' T GOING TO WORK OUT
BETWEEN MY AND ME AFTER ALL, I' M A LIBRA AND
SHE' S A BITSH.
HOW IS IT ONE CARELESS MARGH GAN START A FOREST
FIRE, BUT IT TAKES A WHOLE BOX TO STARTA CAMPFIRE.’
I DIDN' T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD GRAIN
TO BE A VEGETARIAN.
I!) A COMPUTER ONGE BEAT ME AT GHEYS, BOT IT WAS hit?
MARGH FOR ME AT GIGK BOXING.
I SAWA WOMAN WEARING A SWEAT SHIRT WITH
GUESS" ON IT... SO I SAID "IMPLANTS?"
THE SHINBONE IS A DEVICE FOR FINDING FURNITURE IN
A DARK ROOM.
20 GOOD GIRLS ARE BAD GIRLS WHATTEVER GET CAUGHT.
22) LAUGH AT YOUR PROBLEMS, EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.
23) CROWDED ELEVATORS SMELL DIFFERENT TO MIDGETS.
THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE
KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
25) DID YOU KNOW THAT DOLPHINS ARE SO SMART THAT
WITHIN A FEW WEEKS OF CAPTIVITY, THEY GAN TRAIN
PEOPLE TO STAND ON THE VERY EDGE OF THE POOL AND
THROW THEM FISH?
26) GOD MUST LOVE STUPID PEOPLE. HE MADE St? MANY.
27) I DIDN' TSAY IT WAS YOUR FAULT. ISAID I WAS BLAMING
YOU.
289 FIGHTING FOR PAAGE IS LIKE ******* FOR VIRGINITY.
29) WOMEN WILL NEVER BE EQUAL TO MEN UNTIL THEY GAN
WALK DOWN THE STREET WITHA BALD HEAD AND A BEER
GUT, AND STILL THINK THEY ARE SEXY.
30) ALWAYS BORROW MONEY FROM A PESSIMIST. HE WON' T
EXPECT IT BAAK.
SI) SOME PEOPLE SAY "IF YOU GAN' T BEAT THEM, JOIN
THEM". I SAY "IF YOU GAN' T BEAT THEM, BEAT THEM",
BECAUSE THEY WILL BE EXPECTING YOU TO JOIN THEM, SO
YOU WILL HAVE me ELEMENT " SURPRISE.
32) NEVER HIT A MAN WITH GLASSES. HIT HIM WITH A
BASEBALL BAT.
33) WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL. WHAT WE NEED IS
IDIOT CONTROL.
34) A DIPLOMAT'S SOMEONE WHO GAN TELL YOU TO GO TO
HELL IN SUGGA WAY THAT YOU WILL LOOK FORWARD TO THE
35) MONEY GAN' T BUY HAPPINESS, BOT IT SURE MAKES
MISERY EASIER TO LIVE WITH.
36) SOME GAUSE HAPPINESS WHEREVER THEY " OTHERS...
WHENEVER THEY "
37) I DISCOVERED I SCREAM THE SAME WAY WHETHER I' M
ABOUT TO BE DEVOURED BYA GREAT WHITE SHARK OR IF A
PIDGE OF SEAWEED TOUGHER MY FOOT.
389 I DON' T TRUST ANYTHING THAT BLEEDS FOR FIVE DAYS
AND DOESN' T DIE.
39) WAR DOES NOT DETERMINE WHO IS RIGHT. IT
DETERMINE WHO IS LEFT.
...
  • Recommend tagsx
+672
Views: 20143
Favorited: 258
Submitted: 11/25/2010
Share On Facebook
Add to favorites Subscribe to lvademon submit to reddit

Comments(79):

[ 79 comments ]
What do you think? Give us your opinion. Anonymous comments allowed.
#39 - bbtheman (11/26/2010) [-]
What's the difference between pink and purple?

before and after
#70 to #39 - rotcod (11/26/2010) [-]
what about blue? ...someone should look it up on google.
#41 to #39 - pilsburydogg (11/26/2010) [-]
Did some one speak of




WAFFLES?? ^^^^^^

#12 - Cleavland Steamer (11/25/2010) [-]
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
User avatar #25 - WillWalrus (11/26/2010) [-]
A black guy knew he had it made when the old brass bottle he found in the back yard turned out to have a genie in it. Any three wishes he had would be granted, the genie informed him.

"I wanna be rich," said the black man. The back yard filled up with chests of gold coins and jewels in the blink of an eye.

"I'm no fool," said the black man. "I wanna be white." And there he stood, white, blonde-haired and blue-eyed.

"Thirdly, I never want to work another day in my life." And he was black again.
User avatar #69 to #25 - emithith (11/26/2010) [-]
Waste of a wish, he's rich, he never needs to do it anyway, he shoulda wished for chicken and watermelons!
#26 to #25 - lvademon (11/26/2010) [-]
this joke was going to be in my first one
this joke was going to be in my first one
User avatar #28 to #26 - WillWalrus (11/26/2010) [-]
Really?
User avatar #65 - TickleMyDick (11/26/2010) [-]
How does a blind man know when to stop wiping his ass?

User avatar #73 to #65 - ChristopherWalkenz (11/26/2010) [-]
He smells.
#2 - Rascal (11/25/2010) [-]
What do u call a ****** hanging in a barn?

Antique farm equipment
+1
#3 to #2 - BryanHimself **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [-]
#4 to #3 - Rascal (11/25/2010) [-]
He said ****** , not ***** .
Get over it.
User avatar #9 - GrenadeBallpit (11/25/2010) [-]
Correction:
20) The pinky toe is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
User avatar #11 to #9 - distinction (11/25/2010) [-]
haha yea. I totally agree.
#67 - LunarChyld (11/26/2010) [-]
WHY MUST YOU MOCK MY PEOPLE?!?!
User avatar #63 - gidvid (11/26/2010) [-]
pretty every one of those one-liners is (or is now going to be) a "like" page on facebook
User avatar #80 to #63 - MegaManXX (11/27/2010) [-]
Or stolen from other posts on FJ.
#68 - JiffypopisGOD (11/26/2010) [-]
The last comment is from Fallout 3 :D
#74 to #68 - Alexabrina (11/26/2010) [-]
Its been around a lot longer than fallout 3!
#53 - YouGiOhFan (11/26/2010) [-]
War... War never Changes
#60 to #53 - Thethirdnipple (11/26/2010) [-]
anyone else have the sudden urge to jump from building to building?
User avatar #66 to #60 - DrPwnsauce (11/26/2010) [-]
I want a gif of that epic shot. Right now.
#64 to #52 - Thethirdnipple (11/26/2010) [-]
awwwwwwaAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
User avatar #58 to #52 - shdrw (11/26/2010) [-]
who's the cutie wootie wootie?
You are!
Yes you are!
cutie wootie wootie
#61 to #52 - bengin (11/26/2010) [-]
*Fixed
#37 - NIMDAEHTMAI (11/26/2010) [-]
90% of theses are stephen wright jokes
User avatar #22 - youdontwanttoknow (11/25/2010) [-]
a man goes to the doctor. He says i have some bad news and worse news. Wat's the bad news?
U have 24 hours to live.
Wats the worse news?
I forgot to tell u yesterday.
#49 to #22 - mulletguy (11/26/2010) [-]
So he IS a zombie?
User avatar #51 to #49 - youdontwanttoknow (11/26/2010) [-]
i'll answer u with the next sentence in the joke:
The man fell over and got back up. Then he ripped the doctor's guts out. He is now a zombie. Happy?
User avatar #79 - popperland (11/26/2010) [-]
can't beat em, eat em
User avatar #81 to #79 - JAYMIN (11/27/2010) [-]
That sounded Naughty...
User avatar #62 - bengin (11/26/2010) [-]
worth the read.
User avatar #59 - soupdaddy (11/26/2010) [-]
Are you familiar with chain of command? It's the chain I'm gonna beat you with until you under stand who's in charge around here.
User avatar #23 - DaogatPiva (11/25/2010) [-]
*Chewbacca
#75 - AntiFaith (11/26/2010) [-]
number nineteen...yeaaaaahhh
User avatar #24 - badboywantsu (11/25/2010) [-]
i'm glad other people bring funny to funnyjunk as well
[ 79 comments ]
Leave a comment
 Friends (0)