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#496 - hubajuju (06/28/2013) [-]
So Jesus and Moses are hanging around at a beach in heaven. Its been a long day and they're both bored so they decide to have a miracle-off. Moses turns to Jesus and says "I got this Jesus, check this out." And he turns, spreads his hands and the water in front of them parts. Jesus scoffs "Yeah, I've seen that one before. It's good but check this out." Jesus walks down to the lake, takes one...two steps on the surface of the water and then falls in. Jesus swims back to shore and says "Crap, sorry, give me another shot at it." This time Jesus walks down to the lake, takes one...two...three steps on the surface of the water and falls in. Again Jesus swims back to shore and says "Ok, give me one more try." Moses agrees and Jesus walks down to the lake, takes one...two...three...four steps on the surface of the water and falls in again. Jesus makes his way back to Moses and says " **** , you know what it is? I didn't have these holes in my feet the last time I did this."
User avatar #426 - crazybastard (06/28/2013) [-]
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sports car?

I've never been inside a sports car
User avatar #350 - JMF (06/28/2013) [+] (1 reply)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
George Zimmerman.
George Zimmerman, who?
Good, you're on the jury.
User avatar #98 - mrsteamer (06/27/2013) [-]
What do you call a 6 year old with no friends?
A sand hook survivor......
#490 - hellood (06/28/2013) [-]
Whats the difference between a catholic priest and a zit?

A zit usually waits till your in your teen before it comes on your face

(pic related)
#371 - gowestyoungman (06/28/2013) [+] (1 reply)
What noise did the baby make when it was put in the blender?

I don't know, I was too busy masturbating
User avatar #352 - samxdaxman (06/28/2013) [-]
There's a teacher, a lawyer, a priest and 3 children on a plane. The pilot has a heart attack and died. There's 3 parachutes. The teacher says "Save the children!", the lawyer says " **** the children!" And the priest whispers "Do you think there's time?"
User avatar #59 - thekingofwubs (06/27/2013) [-]
The Human Race.
User avatar #34 - exitus (06/27/2013) [+] (1 reply)
What´s the difference between a baby and a toaster?

The toaster doesn´t screem when you stick a fork in it.
User avatar #3 - bettythemale (06/27/2013) [+] (1 reply)
Black people are black and bad. They're equal to an obsolete farmtool. Instead of collecting dust like a good useless farmtool, they collect welfare. There's a fact that 60% of the black population have committed a federal crime of being black, but only 30% of this majority is convicted of this crime. We need your help to stop black people from being black.
#4 to #3 - SgtBaha (06/27/2013) [-]
#470 - absolyst (06/28/2013) [-]
How long does it take a black person to take a 						****					?   
About 9 months.
How long does it take a black person to take a **** ?

About 9 months.
User avatar #447 - potatophucker (06/28/2013) [-]
my job
User avatar #404 - boomheadshot (06/28/2013) [-]
Q: whats green and hangs from a tree in my front yard.
A: a ****** and i can paint him any color i want.
#381 - bigsaltyballs ONLINE (06/28/2013) [+] (3 replies)
why do girls like jesus?

< because he's hung like this
User avatar #379 - mrmontombo (06/28/2013) [-]
A man is on his way to the bar when he notices a girl tied to some railroad tracks. He untied her and then had crazy sex for the next 45 minutes. When he finally gets to the bar he tells his buddy why he was late. He brags about all the crazy positions they did. His buddy asked "Did you get any head?" The man replied "No, I couldn't find it."
User avatar #297 - mymiddleleg (06/28/2013) [-]
How do you kill a bus full of retards?

Smear poison on the windows
#188 - flixoe ONLINE (06/27/2013) [-]
What spins around and screams until it explodes?

A baby in a microwave
User avatar #107 - luigicart (06/27/2013) [-]
how many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
User avatar #69 - frutus (06/27/2013) [-]
We should donate mosquito nets to Africa,
to prevent mosquitos from getting aids.
User avatar #62 - impaledsandwich ONLINE (06/27/2013) [+] (11 replies)
Devil's Island is a famous prison for hardened criminals, like a South American Alcatraz. It's very well-guarded, and the geography and terrain make escape all but impossible. You don't even want to try.

One day one of the prisoners, a relatively new guy, was out doing normal prisoner stuff when he overheard some guards saying how strange it was that no prisoners ever tried "Jack's Route" off the island. Of course, the prisoner was curious, so he asked the guards, and they said he had to ask the warden. So, of course, he did.

Jack's Route was something put in place by a previous warden (presumably named Jack something) as the one way off the island, available only to someone who has truly earned their freedom, the warden explained. There were three tasks that made up the Route: the first was to swim to a nearby island through a strait notorious for having very angry sharks and alligators. Once on the smaller island, he had to climb up one side of the mountain in its center and remove the infected tooth of a mountain lion called Ol' Dismemberer. Finally, assuming he had survived, he had to go down the other side of the mountain to the shack of an old woman who had lived alone for the past fifty years. She hadn't had a man in even longer than that. The warden told the prisoner that if he could do all those things and swim back to Devil's Island, a boat would take him to freedom. He accepted.

The next day, the whole prison turned out to see the nutjob who was going to actually try doing Jack's Route. No one had ever done it before. They assembled on the beach, and the man of the hour was there, fired up and ready to go. At the warden's signal, he dove into the water and swam as fast as he could. Things were going quite well; he was a strong swimmer, and made it about a hundred yards before he was pulled under. The crowd on the beach watched him come up, then go back down, multiple times, with violent splashing each time.

(To be continued)
User avatar #64 to #62 - impaledsandwich ONLINE (06/27/2013) [-]
Finally the brave prisoner washed up on the far shore, his clothes torn to shreds and blood everywhere. The crowd figured he must be dead. To their amazement, he got up, dusted himself off, and started climbing the slope to the lion's cave!

It was a very steep climb and very rocky, so the whole time he was bombarded by falling pebbles, rocks, and the occasional boulder. What he couldn't dodge he took like a man and went right through. Those in the crowd who had bet against him were getting nervous. He was going strong.

He eventually arrived at the cave at the top of the mountain. He stood at the opening, gathering his courage, and walked in bravely. Even from Devil's Island the crowd could hear the almost instant roars and growls coming from out of that cave, echoing across every surface for miles around. More than once the prisoner was thrown out of the cave, but each time he got back up, looking worse than the last time, and strode right back in, resulting in more horrible, blood-curdling screams and howls.

This dragged on for half an hour, and some of the crowd had gotten sick from it. The screams finally died down, and there was silence for a long minute. To everyone's amazement, the prisoner, covered in blood and wounds and wearing little more than tatters, stumbled out of the cave and yelled, "Now where's that lady with the bad tooth?"
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