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User avatar #433 - fyaq (06/28/2013) [+] (11 replies)
i was ******* my girl the other day when i stuck it in her ass and she yelled "STOP!"

it really startled me

i mean, my gosh.
my daughters first words.
User avatar #184 - varrlegrimscythe (06/27/2013) [+] (3 replies)
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Czech are out exploring, and they're captured by cannibals. The king of the cannibals says "We're going to eat you now, because we're cannibals and that's what we do. But we're not savages like we used to be, so we're not going to torture you for three days first...in fact, you can kill yourselves any way you like, we don't care."

The explorers all look rather crestfallen at this news, and the chief hastens to reassure them: "Oh, I know what you're thinking, we've seen it before---you're thinking your life has been a waste, you're going to die out here for nothing, and so on. Well, let me assure you, that just isn't true. We'll use your skin to make our excellent canoes, your hair to make twine, and we'll eat every edible part of you. So really, it's not a waste at all. Now, please get on with it."

The Frenchman says "vive la france", and slits his throat.

The Englishman takes his gun, says "God save the Queen", and shoots himself in the head.

The Czech pulls out a fork and starts stabbing himself---first in the thigh (ouch!), then in the side (yow!), then in the lower leg (argh!)...finally the king of the cannibals says "My god, what are you doing??!!"

And the Czech stabs himself with the fork again and says..." **** your canoe."
#345 - MaverickZero ONLINE (06/28/2013) [+] (8 replies)
I hope your bodies are ready, FJ.
>How do you get a gay man to **** a woman? **** in her cunt.
>How do you know if you're at a gay barbecue? All the hot dogs taste like **** .
>How do you get an anorexic lesbian to eat? Spread pussy hair around her plate.
>Why did the Mexican shoot his wife? Tequila.
>What's the difference between art and porn? A government grant.
>What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Asian? A car thief who can't drive.
>Why do white people put their garbage in clear plastic bags? So Mexicans can go window shopping.
>Why do Mexicans make tamales at Christmas? So they have something to unwrap.
>Women's rights. See what I did thar?
>How is marriage like a tornado? At first there's a lot of sucking and blowing, and then you lose your house.
>How are blondes like turtles? Once they're on their backs, they're screwed.
>I like my mother-in-law like I like my beer: cold, opened, and on the table.
>Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake relationships.
>How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black? How many black people do you know of who would willingly give up a rib?
>What do lesbians do on their periods? Finger paint.
>How does Edward make his tea? With Bella's tampons.
>Sex can make your whole day, but anal will make your hole weak.
>What do you a 96 year old man's successful masturbation attempt? Miracle Whip.
>How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw.
>What's worse than ten dead babies in a garbage can? One dead baby in ten garbage cans.
>What's the square root of 69? Ate something.
>What's the best part of a blowjob? The ten minutes of silence.
And now I'm done here. Thank you and good night.
User avatar #432 - ofmiceandmen (06/28/2013) [-]
So what's the deal with airline food?
#300 - betars (06/28/2013) [-]
They wanted to see the full movie


but all they got were clips
#205 - xxxsonic fanxxx (06/27/2013) [+] (1 reply)
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they ****** in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
User avatar #387 - ppeeddoobbeeaarr (06/28/2013) [-]
Helen Keller walks into a bar....then a table.....then a wall.
User avatar #425 - niggayoucantread (06/28/2013) [+] (3 replies)
what's the difference between a miscarriage and a apple?




i don't cum on an apple before i eat it.
User avatar #299 - eatmaishorts (06/28/2013) [-]
A 40 year old pedophile and a 9 year old girl were walking into the woods.. the girl looked up to the man and said "i'm scared" the guy looked down and said "you're scared? i have to walk out of these woods alone!"
User avatar #182 - kojinus (06/27/2013) [+] (4 replies)
a jew , a ****** , a asian, and a mexican guy walks into a bar

the bartender says " Get the **** out "
User avatar #152 - ompalomper (06/27/2013) [-]
a woman goes to see the doctor

the doctor says "i have good news and bad news"

she asks "what are the bad news?"

the doctor replies "unfortunately you have cancer and will die within 6 weeks"

the woman starts to cry but manages to ask "and what are the good news?"

the doctor throws his arms in the air and exclaims "YOU'RE PREGNANT!"
#89 - crosskill (06/27/2013) [+] (1 reply)
The gorgeous woman from next door popped round today and said, "Hello handsome, are you free tonight?"

I said, "Er... wow... yes, yes I am."

She said, "Brilliant, can you watch my daughter while I go out?"

Ah well, when one door closes, another one opens.
User avatar #197 - dumbasshunter (06/27/2013) [+] (1 reply)
three men are on a plane, a German, an Englishman, and an american. the plane starts going down due to being over weight, so the German throws a knife out the window, the Englishman throws a plant pot out the window, and the american throws a bomb out the window. when they land, they each go their separate ways and go home.

when the German gets home, he sees his son crying. he asks whats wrong, and his son says "a knife fell out the sky and killed mummy"

when the Englishman gets home, he sees his wife crying. he asks whats wrong, and his wife says "a plant pot fell out the sky and hit the dog. i have just finished burying him."

the American gets home and sees his father in tears laughing. "whats so funny?" he asked, to which his father replied. "well, i was just out in the back garden cleaning the shed. i farted, then the house blew up!"
User avatar #157 - yalikefishsticks (06/27/2013) [+] (2 replies)
There was a really old lady who wanted to kill herself. She went to the doctor and asked him "doctor, where is the heart located?" To which the doctor replied "under the right breast." The next morning, the lady was in the emergency room with a bullet wound to the knee.
#91 - crosskill (06/27/2013) [+] (2 replies)
- How do you know if a nigress is pregnant?
- The tampon comes out with the cotton picked.
#70 - xxxsonic fanxxx (06/27/2013) [-]
what is the difference between Jesus and a Picture of Jesus?

It takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
#519 - sharksloveme (06/28/2013) [-]
A few of my favorites!   
   
Why is it so hard for Mexican Women to get pregnant?   
As soon as the sperm enters the cell it tries to hang itself.    
   
Why do the Scottish wear kilts?    
The sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.   
   
What's good about an Ethiopian blow job?   
You know she'll swallow.   
   
What's black and blue and hates sex?   
A rape victim.   
   
How do you know when a redneck has her period?   
She's only wearing one sock.   
   
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?   
They fall through his hands.    
   
What's the difference between a black man and a bike?   
Your bike doesn't start singing when you put chains on it.
A few of my favorites!

Why is it so hard for Mexican Women to get pregnant?
As soon as the sperm enters the cell it tries to hang itself.

Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
The sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

What's good about an Ethiopian blow job?
You know she'll swallow.

What's black and blue and hates sex?
A rape victim.

How do you know when a redneck has her period?
She's only wearing one sock.

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
They fall through his hands.

What's the difference between a black man and a bike?
Your bike doesn't start singing when you put chains on it.

#346 - nortledrones (06/28/2013) [-]
This image has expired
TWO BLACK GUYS WALK INTO A BAR, AND THEN THEY ARE ASKED POLITELY TO LEAVE.
#291 - thisotherdude (06/28/2013) [+] (1 reply)
You hear about those kids at Sandy hooks? They expected books but all they got were magazines
#449 - garymotherfingoak (06/28/2013) [-]
This image has expired
What do you do when you see a black guy in pain?

Stop laughing and shoot him again.
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