-A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer walk into a bar.
They order some drinks, sit quietly and stare at their shoes until they've finished their drinks, then go back home and wallow in loneliness, wishing their social skills weren't so abysmal.
-What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
-Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
She had dementia.
-What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back?
A school bus after a horrible traffic accident.
-A polar bear and a seal are sitting on an ice floe. The polar bear looks at the seal and says,
"RAWRRRRRRRRRGGG" and then kills and eats him.
-You walk into a plane full of Arabs talking about how much they hate America.
You arrive at your destination enlightened about the problems in American society.
-A white guy, a black guy, and an asian guy are all sitting on a park bench.
They share several minutes of uncomfortable silence due to cultural differences.
-Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.
-An Irishman walks out of a bar.
-What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
-what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
we are both lawyers
-A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
-What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
-A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.
-Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.
-Your momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
-What did the homeless man get for christmas?
-How many jews does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change it and the other to hold the ladder so the first man won't fall and hurt himself.
-How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You set an alarm for a reasonable hour.