She can't help but talk about my problems. This time, I answered the phone, and she proceeded to talk to me about whether she'll get to see Rachel when she visits two weeks from now. I tell her that Rachel is avoiding me, and then she wants to talk about that, and asks me if Rachel and I are still friends. Etcetera etcetera etcetera.
Eventually, she implies that Rachel is avoiding me because she has a boyfriend. We say goodbye, and I can't shake the thought that she does have a boyfriend, because it fits.
I try to convince myself that somewhere deep down, I probably knew that she was seeing someone. I continue try to convince myself that it really shouldn't matter. But, no matter how logical it is that it shouldn't matter to me and that it's none of my business, I can't help but to call her and ask her to tell me that it's not true.
Well, it is true. And it fits. And I'm 100% sure that it's the person who asked her out on a New Year's date, because it fits. And, I'm not sure why this hurts more--probably because she was able to get over me so quickly while I'm still here sleeping the days away in solitude because I can't bear the reality that she doesn't love me.
So, to confirm that our relationship wasn't a lie, that it happened, and that she loved me, I call her parents. I apologize for calling this late, because it's late, and they were sleeping. I connect with Melody, her mom. I ask for Gordon, her dad. Here there was a pause that seemed, for me, much longer than it probably was. Melody gave the phone to Gordon, and Gordon asked what's wrong. To him, I apologize again for calling so late, except I can't mouth the words, so it comes out a garbled mess, as does the rest of my message. As a result, he asks me to repeat three times. So I do.
"Did Rachel love me?"
"To the best of your knowledge when we were together, did Rachel love me?"
"In your opinion, did Rachel love me?"
He races to form an answer. It comes out in so many words with a few pauses and in an entirely unconvincing manner that she did. Satisfied, I ask him again,
"What about from the time a year before she broke up with me to when she broke up with me, did she love me?"
He responds, "I think so, I mean I think she said she did."
Why does it hurt so bad?