I wrote this entire thing on /tabletop/ today on a the topic of "prized d&d moments". when finished, I decides it was too good to let it rot there
I haven't played d&d a lot. Mostly some anime-centric homebrew stuff at the club: The ones like d&d, WoD, Cyberpunk and the like always either get canceled one game in or I'm never in them. There was my first, and sadly only game, of 5e though.
Strap in folks, it's gonna be a long one:
>New to d&d, playing 5e with some oldfags/newfags of the club (DM was also a new to the club
>Everybody's made somewhat standart characters: charlatan Elf, dumb-muscle human cleric, my hammy desert druid, yadda yadda.
>'cept one guy, also newcomer.
>Let's call him Specs. It's a fitting name for the four-eyes for a number of reasons.
>Makes an elf cleric, sounds normal
>Chosen deity: Raven Queen, Goddess of Death, Fate and Winter. Unaligned
>Oh, that kinda interesting-
>Specs then introduces his character's quirk: Necrophilia
>"Oh, and he's also LG"
>"The branch of followers he's in believe that after death, the body must be subject to a 'ritual' so that the dead may properly pass into the afterworld."
>"It also makes the followers appreaciate life, and by extention death, even moreso"
>DM allows this car-crash of a character.
>Thus, "Stiff" was born.
>The ride hasn't even started, and I want out.
I later learned from Specs that the first quirk he came up with was pedophilia. I was pleased to learn that our DM had some standarts.
>First session, stars with prologue: Switching viewpoints for each character before they meet for the first quest.
>A little flavor from the DM to somewhat avert the "You meet at a bar" cliché.
>Specs decides that Stiff had been around the city a few days earlier.
>All is well for Stiff, until he decides to visit the local graveyard.
>Goes to the front gate, talks to the keeper:
>"Greetings, fellow wanderer amongs the dead! I seek to release the newly passed from their *cough* discomfort *cough* that reside in these burial grounds. I ask you to direct me to the tombs of the freshly deceased."
>Alea iacta est. In more ways than one.
>"Aye, you seem like an honest mate! Lemme acoompany ye' to their permanent adresses!"
>They reach the tombs of the latest offed: A...
>Dm rolls some more dice
>... a 20-something woman and a pre-teen boy.
>Stiff convinces the keeper to stay outside. Goes in alone.
>Reaches the bottom floor. Two coffins, along with a pair of skeleton statues holding swords against the wall.
>Stiff goes for the boy's coffin.
>Chris Hansen's gonna offer the whole group seats anytime now.
>Stiff touches it.
>And with it DM gives the best smuganimegirl impression he's even given, stares Specs in the eye.
>"Roll for a dodge, also for initiative"
>Specs' face is devoid of all expression.
>Dice is rolled.
>Stiff barely dodges the overhead swing of the first statue. It blade digs into the coffin.
>Necropolice#2 lunges at Stiff.
>I turn to DM, barely containing my sides.
>"You magneficent bastard"
>5 turns later...
>Stiff is alive and kicking, somewhat scratched.
>NecroCop duo are in fragments, giving the image of the recently built and even more recently trashed tomb an authentic atmoshpere.
>The woman's coffin? Untouched
>One half of table is dumbstruck.
>Other half has launched sides into orbit. Including yours truly.
>DM's eyes are twitching.
>Specs is grinning like a ******* Halloween Pumpkin.
>DM pulls himself together.
>"ALRIGHT. You got rid of the security system installed in here.And you are alive."
>"But the boy's coffin is decimated from that initial strike..."
>"...along with the....contents" he later adds, seeing Specs' expression for a brief moment.
>"Stiff doesn't touch the busted corpse, he goes for the untouched one. He does it, OK? I'm not going into detail."
>Stiff left the graveyard a happy corpsefiddler.
>Bllisfully unaware what the future held for him.
After this, we begin our first quest... which was bland as bland could get. The only thing noteworth was a very short encounter with a bear and her cub: My druid almost managed to tame the beast and have a mutual agreement a la "live and let live", when Stiff tried attacking the cub. One fight with the mama later (with the cub escaping), we ended with the charred remains of what once was 350 pounds of fur, bones, muscle and Rage. When I OOC asked Specs why the **** did he do that for, he told me, and I quote, "to make use of the bodies afterwards". That was pretty much it.
But the next session was once again made enjoyable thanks to Specs's antics with Stiff.
Antics that proved to have some (un)suprising consequences.
>All members are doing ******* by themselves because a sense of camaraderie/partnership was failed to be instlled within the PC. (Me and another newfag's ****** roleplaying and somewhat being jerks/idiots had something to do with it)
>Stiff somehow gets the attention of the city guards.
>Was preaching at the middle of the street, shouting nonsense about the Raven Queen or some ****. DM said he was distrupting the piece.
>My money's on that they just got suspicious of the crazy elf that smelled awfully like embalming fluid.
>Guard#1 asks him to leave or STFO.
>Stiff ain't having none of that.
>He tries Command on the musclebound freak.
>The rollgods finally decide that Stiff's hijinks might just be funnier if he fails.
>For TinMan not only NoSells it, he also notice that Stiff tried to jedi mind trick him
>Stiff gets bagged
>pic related, restofthetablesfacewhen
>Stiff gets jailed for a whole a week before trial, tries to make the best of it
>There are a bunch of rats in the floor he's kept in, tries to ctrain the rats to bust him out of there
>DM gives the bird to that notion. But what I assume out of pity (or maybe admiration to Specs' determination), he let's him keep one rat out of pet.
>I'll call him Squeek.
>Big day comes, Stiff's ass is on the choping block.
>"Disturbing the piece, attempted manipulation of an officer, resisting arrest and reeking of something that the jury didn't want to indulge upon for their collective sanity..."
>"How do you plead?"
>Stiff tries to ******** out of this one, only to pill mild amouts of spaghetti from his pouches.
>Thankfully for Specs& Stiff.co , it's decides that, instead of sending the shame-of-all-elfs-and-clerics-worldwide to his goddess, he's stuck with community service.
>A new quest, to be more specific
>"Nice way to band us scattered bunch back together again, DM"
>Still, Stiff is given a time limit of a few weeks to complete this. Specs also had to give away his loot share from this quest along with whatever gold he once had to convince the rest of us.
>And so, we had finally journeyed ahaid, into to the meat of this whole story...
>...that was, had Stiff didn't monumentally ****** it up.
>First day into our journey south, all seems well.
>Trecking trhough a somewhat barrel landscape, only thin grass and a few dry trees here and there
>DM rolls a few dice behind his screen, hold a poker face but raises an eyebrow.
>One oldfag notices it, asks if we're having an encounter.
>"Nah, not yet at least"
>Come nightfall, we reach a small village.
>Intact, but not a kind of place you'd like to stay for more than necessary
>We sette for the night
>Party splits, to each their own.
>Ask the townsfolk if there's anything happening here
>"Not much, there's nothing to see here and we barely get any vistors"
>"Just don't venture off from the path when you leave tommorrow..."
>"...and DON'T leave here during the night"
>Decide to find the others, inform what I learned
>One oldfag's character goes "Duuuuh, that's the general gist in the wilderness. You don't go wandering after sunse-"
>Cut back to Specs and DM, while the rest of the party is scattared
>Specs tells the DM that Stiff goes wandering in the fields
>"...uuhh, and that would be why?"
>"Stiff wants to hunt some rabbits, he'll use Squeek for this as well."
>DM is puzzled, as we already had a lot of rations. Heck, my druid could just make Goodberries whenever he wanted, so hunting to stockpile more was also unnessesary.
>"Oh no no no. After killing it, Stiff's gonna **** the rabbit.
>Error. Error. DM has stopped working. Starting reboot.
>Reboot successful. Continue previous process:
>"So can I go?"
>"....OK. Yes. Go on, if you really want to"
>So with the remaining party realizing that Stiff is nowhere around here, we start looking for the ****** in the village.
>We can't find him, DM informs us unaware of Stiff's situation on what is happening.
>The point of view cuts back to Stiff, embarking on his final journey.
>Be Stiff, have a stiff for rabbit pusspuss.
>OH, Sorry: decaying rabbit pusspuss.
>Venture into the fields, in the dead of the night...
>...to find some flesh to spend with the night
>Journey for a mile, the village way behind.
>It's dead quiet, and not the preferable kind.
>Suddenly, you spot it from a distance
>An anthill? But too big for it's existence.
>You fail your INT roll, so to it you move towards
>You draw closer, sending Squeek to check it
>Ever so slowly The rodent walks, to the tip of it
>At that moment, the "anthill" explodes skywards
>Gone is your rodent, rest in pepperoni,
>Stands in his place, mandibles quite boney,
>Of the incestoid beast of anal *******,
>An Ankheg, as know more commonly,
>Run for your dear life, screaming for help
>But suddely you fell, with a mighty yelp
>You look up, this is the end of your life
>For you see your pursuer's lovely wife
>And as you see that the Queen has left thee
>The carnivores melt your face with glee
>They rip your intestines, dining upon it
>The table's sides has liftoff for orbit
>You left to mind your member erect
>such an outcome, you never suspect
>You inhale you one lung, one last wiff
>And thu concludes, the story of Stiff
Come dawn, we searched for the pervert.
In his place was molten sherbert
And while he may have been a disgrace
His killers indeed got the coup de grace
In honor of Stiff, who was as stiff as those he drilled.
May your erect member pierce the heavens and beyond.