Well then.... . Share the most retarded thing you' ever done. I' ll go first. days ago deriving drunk as , run a red light, ram into a cop car at 20 mph bears a 4Chan drunk Cops police Knife stabs hospital
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Well then...

Share the most retarded
thing you' ever done. I' ll
go first.
days ago
deriving drunk as **** , run a red light, ram
into a ******* cop car at 20 mph
bears are not too damaged
idrink mind is scared as ****
tunable to think of a reason, stab myself
with my pocket knife before the cop comes
chide knife in glove box
may, ''I had been stabbed officer"
scop gives me a ride to the nearest
mm crisis avoided
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Views: 37627
Favorited: 59
Submitted: 06/27/2014
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#1 - rogernice ONLINE (06/27/2014) [-]
Drunk logic is best logic.
#26 - grimmwaters ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
>Drunk driving
>Drunk driving
User avatar #50 to #26 - mion (06/28/2014) [-]
I honestly wish that every drunk driver dies in a tree accident all alone.
#37 to #26 - auryn (06/28/2014) [-]
I only drive drunk because when I'm sober I still realize it's not a good idea to drive without a drivers license.
User avatar #27 to #26 - bestfoxgirl (06/28/2014) [-]
How people even admit to doing this **** .
#30 to #27 - grimmwaters ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
Because they're dumb and don't value their own lives, or the lives of those around them.
User avatar #43 to #30 - derpsenderp (06/28/2014) [-]
its kinda fun lol
User avatar #47 to #30 - brothergrimm (06/28/2014) [-]
show me a life of a common man worth valuing anymore. challenge
User avatar #42 to #27 - cookiecoketwo (06/28/2014) [-]
Eh, Its probably not too challenging.
User avatar #2 - ishallsmiteyou (06/27/2014) [-]
>playing soccer with cousin
>go to kick ball but kick lands right in cousin's nuts, just skims the ball enough to knock it into a nearby bush
>he screams and random guy runs over to help
>cousin is screaming and crying
>kick broke stitches on his nuts
>random guy asks what happened
>for no reason in particular I said "he tried to mug me so I kicked him in the nuts"
> ******************** .jpeg
>cousin now unconscious and bleeding profusely from nutsack
>ambulance takes him away and police are called
>explain to police that I lied for no reason at all
>spend night in slammer
>not my proudest moment
#46 to #2 - Rascal (06/28/2014) [-]
This entire story is a ****
#24 to #2 - oosskkyy (06/28/2014) [-]
Why did he have stitches on his nut sack??
Why did he have stitches on his nut sack??
User avatar #66 to #24 - ieatpaste (06/28/2014) [-]
When i was in seventh grade i had a case of testicular torsion. Its when your nut twists inside your sack. The remedy is to have surgery where they cut open your sack, untwist the nut, and stitch the nut to the scrotum then stitch the scrotum back up. The next day i went to the bathroom and when i pulled my boxers down and the stitches were caught up in the seam of my boxers. It ripped the stitches out and i could see my actual testicles. The pain was real.
User avatar #33 to #24 - blesstheinternet (06/28/2014) [-]
User avatar #56 to #24 - ishallsmiteyou (06/28/2014) [-]
This may be wrong because it happened years ago, but he got into an accident in his dad's truck and, lucky for him, his nuts got ripped open or something like that. I don't know the details.
#55 to #24 - kallesmange (06/28/2014) [-]
what, you dont??
#20 to #2 - ugoboom (06/28/2014) [-]
this does not expand balls
User avatar #7 to #2 - tannerninja (06/28/2014) [-]
You got sent to jail for lying to a random person?
User avatar #8 to #7 - ishallsmiteyou (06/28/2014) [-]
as far as I can remember it was for wasting police resources.
User avatar #5 - Temperance (06/28/2014) [-]
Maybe not most retarded of all time, but definitely most retarded in recent history.

>be me
>early last month
>at cookout with wife and her family
>in-laws live on a farm in the country
>have grand old time shooting guns and practicing archery
>sun starts going down
> ******* of mosquitoes show up
> ******* hate mosquitoes
>one lands in the middle of wife's back
> ******************** .jpg
>smack wife in the back with the force of a hundred spatulas
>leaves bright red and clearly visible handprint
>wife's family speechlessly stares at me
>wife pissed
>still killed the mosquito

In-laws still bring it up everytime I see them.
User avatar #54 to #5 - gongthehawkeye (06/28/2014) [-]
I expected you to say you tried to shoot the mosquito.
#25 - nightlynutria (06/28/2014) [-]
Where would you stab yourself if you were to do this?
Where would you stab yourself if you were to do this?
User avatar #28 to #25 - wellimnotsure (06/28/2014) [-]
arm is best
User avatar #34 to #28 - cazabrow ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
if it's arm it'll need to be a fairly serious wound to have motive for driving drunk to a hospital and end up hitting a cop car.

#52 to #34 - Blasphemer (06/28/2014) [-]
Nah, one stab would be enough.
There's blood, cop won't be looking for details.
#69 to #28 - nightlynutria (06/28/2014) [-]
Good answer, I was thinking belly or leg. Im too much of a pussy to stab myself on the belly because maybe I could **** up an organ or bleed to death. Leg Im a pussy too. Maybe I shouldnt drink and drive.
#11 - miia ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
>cop gives me a ride to the nearest hospital
****** thats the worst place to ****** be what with their tox screens n **** ****** moron
#51 to #11 - Rascal (06/28/2014) [-]
some people on the internet are over 21 ya pre-teen ****
User avatar #64 to #11 - mulciber ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
I'd probably be like "Well, he's obviously drunk. He was stabbed, so he freaked out and tried to drive himself."
#65 to #11 - Rascal (06/28/2014) [-]
ive been stabbed but i better not drive or i might get into trouble
#13 to #11 - neosonic ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
Say you were stabbed at party after drinking, profit?   
 Gif totally related
Say you were stabbed at party after drinking, profit?
Gif totally related
User avatar #35 to #13 - nicetrydingleberry (06/28/2014) [-]
Where is that gif from ?
User avatar #36 to #35 - iitoxictz (06/28/2014) [-]
User avatar #49 to #36 - DJstar (06/28/2014) [-]
ive watched frozen and never saw this part?
User avatar #68 to #49 - iitoxictz (06/28/2014) [-]
It's right at the part where Christoph and Anna meet in the shack
User avatar #17 to #11 - sinonyx (06/28/2014) [-]
you know

because it's common practice to run a tox screen on someone who got ******* stabbed
User avatar #45 to #17 - tommythecatt ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
Idk, if they were planning on giving him pain meds they might do a quick blood test or something.
User avatar #19 to #11 - kexus ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
Even if they did find out you were drunk you could probably use the fact that you were dying of a stab wound as a defense.
User avatar #22 - tyrson (06/28/2014) [-]
Hmm...Friend invited me to a house party. I was lookin' to get laid. Get there, find out that EVERYONE but me and my friend were of a sexual orientation incompatible with my own. **** .
What to do, what to do...Ah, I'll get drunk instead. Friend insisted on driving (my car) anyway, so they were the DD.
Shot. Shot again. Mixed drink (w/ vodka, maybe). hot. Shot. Something that may have been a shot. Start exploring house.
Woman that owns the place has a REALLY NICE house, we're talking old school big house. She has a room for costumes. Because at these monthly parties, people like to dress up. As like, victorian aristocrats and burlesque dancers and **** . I knock over some painting. Broke, feel bad but too drunk to make it right. Continue my moseying.
Pool has some kind of sex-safe saline solution instead of chlorine. People getting freaky. Get mostly naked, hop on in. I'm drunk. Ergo, I'm an acrobat. "Hey guys, watch me do a backflip." Never tried a backflip before. Hell, not even a front-flip. 99% of trampoline use was sitting an looking at stars. Try backflip. Smash head into pool bottom. Blood everywhere. Drunk and lightheaded.
Soon, it's time to go.
"Where's Chris?" (one of the 3 other friends we'd brought) Find Chris. Chris is busy. Stand around for about half an hour waiting for Chris. After about 20 minutes, realize I've been standing there watching Chris give someone a blowjob for almost half an hour. **** . I'm drunk. Leave Chris to the blowjob and wander for a bit.
Find old dude dressed like Queen Victoria. Beard like ZZ Top. His dick's hanging out, but I don't mind. Strike up conversation. He works with deaf people, as a translator. Shows me some sign language. Cool. I can now sign the phrase, "I'm drunk... really drunk" Continue talking. Chris finally done with the blowjob. We all drive home.

Weirdest thing I've ever done. Still can't believe I let someone else drive my new car.
#3 - xcoreyx (06/28/2014) [-]
"driving drunk"
That was already the stupidest thing you could possibly do.
#53 - tommytwobyfour (06/28/2014) [-]
#41 - ashedust (06/28/2014) [-]
Comment Picture
User avatar #57 to #41 - shadowhorn (06/28/2014) [-]
what is the little military looking symbol next to your name?
User avatar #61 to #57 - pyroteknyx (06/28/2014) [-]
its a military rank. Admin gives them to mods for doing their job.
User avatar #63 to #61 - pyroteknyx (06/28/2014) [-]
well technically its a mod rank , but the symbol itself is military.
User avatar #59 to #57 - unusualmoo (06/28/2014) [-]
It's his moderator rank, it's also the reason he has the tan name.
User avatar #60 to #59 - shadowhorn (06/28/2014) [-]
FJ has mods? man, i havent been on in ages.
User avatar #62 to #60 - unusualmoo (06/28/2014) [-]
Yeah, the groups that advertise here now wouldn't advertise due to the large amount of porns that was posted.
So now the rules are much more strict, i.e. Drawn dicks, dickbutt, things like that can get banned.
Not perma, mind you. You still need to post CP for that.
#40 - spenda (06/28/2014) [-]
This was posted what, 5 days ago?
#72 - Rascal (07/06/2014) [-]
>tfw a drunk man is more clever than most people in this ********
User avatar #10 - dehfurk (06/28/2014) [-]
I mean... when I got drunk I let a note for myself in a jacket I wear during winter. It had $50 and had my girlfriends birthday written on it.

That's about the smartest thing my drunk self has ever done. On the flip side, I also remember being drunk, half naked, forgot I don't live with my family but proceeded to enter my mom's house and pass out on my old bed. The alarms were on...
User avatar #4 - grimsho (06/28/2014) [-]
Why didn't the cop ask you questions? Even after taking you to the hospital and getting you treated, isn't it his job to stay around and find out what the hell happened?
#6 to #4 - Rascal (06/28/2014) [-]
"Some guy tried to mug me. We struggled and he stabbed me, then ran away. He was a 5'11" white guy with brown hair. It was dark so I didn't get a very good look at his face."
User avatar #9 to #6 - satansferret ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
"driving drunk as **** " a crime is not a legal reason to commit another crime. Still bs though, a tox screen would be mandatory to see if he was under the influence of anything besides alcohol (since if you're that drunk you reek of it)
User avatar #14 to #9 - brutallyhonest (06/28/2014) [-]
In a life threatening situation; he was stabbed and HAD to go to the hospital, no phone on him, whatever.. I am sure it's excusable for him to make such an action.
User avatar #38 to #14 - satansferret ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
Nope, not legally. The only time are are allowed to break the law in a situation involving risk to yourself is if you do not put others in danger.
#21 - hybridxproject (06/28/2014) [-]
that's 			*******		 brilliant
that's ******* brilliant
#32 to #21 - blesstheinternet (06/28/2014) [-]
****		 that gif....
**** that gif....
User avatar #12 - pepemex (06/28/2014) [-]
Yeah but how do we know he didn't die because of the wound?
#39 to #12 - fcrocker ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
Holy **** , you're retarded.
User avatar #44 to #12 - penileburglar (06/28/2014) [-]
Wow, for a site that's all about the funny, funnyjunk is really bad at spotting a joke.
User avatar #15 to #12 - sinonyx (06/28/2014) [-]
bitch, do you even read?
User avatar #16 to #15 - pepemex (06/28/2014) [-]
Yeah he said he got to the hospital but he could have died on the way too for all we know
User avatar #18 to #16 - sinonyx (06/28/2014) [-]
be me
23 days ago

stabbed myself

apparently this is rocket science
User avatar #29 to #18 - bestfoxgirl (06/28/2014) [-]
Posted from the afterlife
#31 to #18 - Rascal (06/28/2014) [-]
yeah but these stories fake so he could have died
User avatar #48 to #31 - flemsdfer ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
If it's fake then he doesn't exist in the first place and can't die.
#71 to #31 - timelimit (06/30/2014) [-]
amazing logic
User avatar #70 - ninjahitman (06/29/2014) [-]
>be 16
>going to a house party with my girlfriend
>get really drunk for the first time
>see guy hitting on my girlfriend
>not having that ****
>throw a punch at the guy hitting on her
>miss and punch a mirror
>say "well I don't need you anymore!" drunken English
>make out with girlfriend's ex to get back at her
>the guy hitting on her was her cousin
>girlfriend's ex stalked me for months
#67 - theoatmealiscool (06/28/2014) [-]
how can cops be real if our eyes are not real?
#58 - SirMartin ONLINE (06/28/2014) [-]
Stabbed himself. Anon could atleast cut his gut
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