Awkward 1st times. Tell your awkard 1st times FJ.. >Be 15 >With this girl for a couple months >BIt of a slut, but had issues, was touched by her mums bf etc >I had taken care of her and , her other b never 4get
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#2 - charagrin
Reply +326
(04/10/2014) [-]
>be 16
>be at slutty girls house
>be about to lose virginity to slutty girl
>Slutty girl suggest doggystyle for first time and bends over
>ram dick in hard
>wrong hole
>6 inches deep
>slutty girl screams
>Slutty girl's older jock brother runs in
>leave slutty girls house with black eye and virginity intact
#43 to #2 - anon
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
There is no way you could accidentally ram your dick in someones arse like that, especially dry
#137 to #43 - hjgamer
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
He was most likely wearing a lubed condom though...
#333 to #137 - fuckedbyapony
Reply +2
(04/10/2014) [-]
I'm still doubtful I'm afraid
#387 to #333 - atma
Reply +1
(04/10/2014) [-]
Depends how much of a slut she really was
#295 to #2 - anon
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
BBBBBBB.....AAAAAAAA....CCCCCCCCC...OOOOOOOO.....NNNN............NN
BB........BB . .. .AA........AA....CCCCCCCCC...OOOOOOOO....NN.NNN.......NN
BB........BB.....AA... . ....AA...CC........................OO............OO......NN..NNN.....NN
BBBBBBB B..AAAAAAAA..CC................ .... ..OO. ..........OO......NN...NNN.....NN
BBBBBBBB..AAAAAAAA..CC...................... ..OO. ... .......OO.....NN....NNN....NN
BB........BB....AA........AA....CC............. ... .......OO............OO......NN.....NNN..NN
BB........BB....AA....... AA....CCCCCCCCC....OOOOOOOO.....NN......NNN....NN
BBBBBBB....AA....... AA...CCCCCCCCC....OOOOOOOO......NN.......NNNNNN
#393 to #295 - anon
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
Okay I see why one would thumb this down...but who really can thumb down Bacon? I mean come on, it's legit
#442 to #393 - anon
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
**** you I do what I want
#195 to #2 - araell
Reply +3
(04/10/2014) [-]
yep, that counts congratulations
#31 to #2 - lot
Reply +7
(04/10/2014) [-]
Comment Picture
#281 to #2 - lolofoeshow
Reply +15
(04/10/2014) [-]
Comment Picture
#21 to #2 - minutes ONLINE
Reply +25
(04/10/2014) [-]
I think penetration = no virginity anymore
That's a view point thing though.
#3 to #2 - dildodude [OP]
Reply +523
(04/10/2014) [-]
I think that counts
#241 to #3 - sindrifreyr
Reply +21
(04/10/2014) [-]
A++ use of that picture
#391 to #3 - lamarisagoodname
Reply +2
(04/10/2014) [-]
11.67/10

why can't we all be as creative as you
#392 to #391 - dildodude [OP]
Reply +1
(04/10/2014) [-]
srsly
srsly
#395 to #392 - lamarisagoodname
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
it's like the joke wasn't clever enough to praise or something
#275 to #3 - shabadaka
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
Your username and picture just makes this perfect
#326 to #3 - yuukoku
Reply -1
(04/10/2014) [-]
Yes, perfect...
Yes, perfect...
#44 - midgettitwank
Reply +397
(04/10/2014) [-]
>Be 15
>With this girl for a couple months
>BIt of a slut, but had ******* issues, was touched by her mums bf etc
>I had taken care of her and ****, her other boyfriends had hated her apparently
>She had some black gang members as ex boyfriends
>black
>I was expecting her to feel nothing
>The time came to dance the dance
>She put the condom on for me because i saw that **** in the inbetweeners and it was cash
>We try missionary on her tiny bed
>It was ****, i probs wasnt doing it right
>20 minutes and meh
>She opens a karma sutra book thing and picks a random page
>We end up ploughing in her daddy's bathroom, on the counter. The "counter tap"
>This was alright actually
>Going for about 20 minutes, absolutely exhausted
>Sweating like a malaysian in an airport
>Not climaxing, she claims she had already had a few orgasms
>Change position to the cowgirl on her bedroom floor
>This is more like it
>10 minutes in we're going quickly
>about to cum
>Her kitten jumps and sits on my face just as I ejaculate
>I came looking at a kitten's penis
To this day I wonder if I am a gay furry
#191 to #44 - niggernazi
Reply -11
(04/10/2014) [-]
can you shorten down hat a little? there is no way in hell that im reading all that ****
#467 to #191 - midgettitwank
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
TL;DR i ****** somebody
#458 to #191 - Eralus
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
#472 to #458 - niggernazi
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
faggot
#107 to #44 - KINGOFTHESTARS
Reply +2
(04/10/2014) [-]
half of that had nothing to do with anything
#343 to #44 - hybridxproject
Reply +4
(04/10/2014) [-]
>black
>black
#462 to #343 - dscrim
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
do you have the version of that gif where his face gets really small?
#182 to #44 - sharklazers
Reply +11
(04/10/2014) [-]
"the inbetweeners"

automatic thumb up, not done reading
#204 to #44 - notaboss
Reply +11
(04/10/2014) [-]
">sweating like a malaysian in an airport"
#362 to #44 - icelandicjesus
Reply +17
(04/10/2014) [-]
>Sweating like a malaysian in an airport
>Sweating like a malaysian in an airport
#64 to #44 - fuzzyballs
Reply +21
(04/10/2014) [-]
">BIt of a slut, but had ******* issues, was touched by her mums bf etc "
" >I had taken care of her and ****, her other boyfriends had hated her apparently "

I had one of those, bitches be crazy
and then they hate you for not replying to texts for a few hours and threaten to go tell the cops you raped her

good times though
#65 to #64 - midgettitwank
Reply +4
(04/10/2014) [-]
my one wasnt an aggressive type thank god she would just threaten/attempt suicide.
#67 to #65 - fuzzyballs
Reply +4
(04/10/2014) [-]
she wasn't agressive
the was the most clingy girl ever, until you crossed her
every day she texted me about how she punched one of the employees in the insitution she was in
both parents in jail, biological dad in Germany doesn't want her, all 3 halfbrothers so ****** up they will always have to live in an institution)
#158 to #67 - kotetsulovesfj
Reply +3
(04/10/2014) [-]
Yep. I knew one of these girls. No one gave her any time cause they didn't want to deal with her, but I tried to be a good friend. I had a job, school, and studying for driver's license. She was constantly upset with me that I was always busy. On my birthday, she texted me (you know, the usual birthday cheers) at 7:00. Got another text at around 7:45. She cussed me out, and basically ended our friendship. I woke up that morning at 9:30.
#69 to #67 - midgettitwank
Reply +1
(04/10/2014) [-]
fuuck man. yeah mine was so clingy, my mates referred to her as film- as in cling-film
#131 to #69 - anon
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
Not to be a white knight, but you're a complete dick. You go with someone with clear baggage problems, then make fun of them.

I hope she was ******* crazy and not just a chick with baggage to deserve that.
#466 to #131 - midgettitwank
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
***** you dont know the strain of being responsible for somebody's mental health
#72 to #69 - fuzzyballs
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
one of those girls that are emotionally messed up, they don't know the difference between flirting and just being friendly

all I wanted to do was play video games goddamnit, stop trying to kiss me! (yes, I'm autistic)
meh, it was fun while it lasted
#74 to #72 - midgettitwank
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
YES! you're ******* nice to them and then they think you're in something.
lol for the autism, was she at least hot?
#83 to #74 - fuzzyballs
Reply +1
(04/10/2014) [-]
I was serious about the autism, and I'll have you know I'm ******* ugly
the only chances I ever have of getting close to a girl, and they're either ugly or emotionally unstable
at least this one was a hot petite one
#385 to #83 - jsereturns
Reply +1
(04/10/2014) [-]
I had one too my only GF she was pretty clingy, always wanted me to go out of my way to go to her house and got super pissed at me when I couldn't. after 2 years she wanted me to run away with her, but I wanted to stay in school. So she just gave up on me I guess. So many BS reasons why she would get angry at me, at that point I just let her break up with me. Probably won't ever get another girl though, beta as ****
#464 to #385 - midgettitwank
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
Well i'm sure you will
#465 to #83 - midgettitwank
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
just saw this, well nobody is as ugly or as attractive as they think- there's a fairly popular theory that if we saw ourselves properly we wouldn't recognise ourselves. Also a fairly hot chick i know is going out with a very ugly guy, who is quite aspergersy, but she likes him because he is sweet and **** so always try
#481 to #465 - fuzzyballs
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
don't tell me what to do
#485 to #481 - midgettitwank
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
soz
#47 to #44 - dildodude [OP]
Reply +45
(04/10/2014) [-]
>malasian in an airport
>malasian in an airport
#15 - sexyhimself ONLINE
Reply +283
(04/10/2014) [-]
>
>
>
>

and that's my first time story
#237 to #15 - basicargentinian
Reply -1
(04/10/2014) [-]
MINE'S EXACTLY THE SAME OH MY GOD
#277 to #15 - oliviersans
Reply +2
(04/10/2014) [-]
#66 to #15 - connorjay
Reply +7
(04/10/2014) [-]
Look on the bright side man, one day you will lose your virginity and have a horrible cringey thing to post on FunnyJunk   
   
 Unless you become a wizard
Look on the bright side man, one day you will lose your virginity and have a horrible cringey thing to post on FunnyJunk

Unless you become a wizard
#166 to #15 - kotetsulovesfj
Reply +9
(04/10/2014) [-]
My first time.
>Be me, 20
>Have a really sexy friend that I work with.
>Literally everyone is nice to her, we say it's because everyone wants to screw her perfect ass
>I spend at least $60 to get tickets to buy her a big ass teddy bear
>She thanks me for weeks
>
>
>
that's it.
#34 - graknab
Reply +235
(04/10/2014) [-]
Move over everyone, best story coming through;
>last summer
>mutual friend tells me the schools valedictorian is into me
>never been within 20 feet of her, she looks like a solid 6
>agree to a date, we go on a hike
>up closer shes more like a 3
>whatever, I already came this far
>walking down the trail, shes not laughing at any of my jokes and barely responds to my questions
>about to give up when she jumps on me and starts making out
>first kiss, but even I know that its bad
>like a cow with rigor mortis
>tell her we should move off the trail
>we go a ways into the woods and find branches laid against a tree, prolly some kids play area
>go inside, she starts sucking my dick
>drags her teeth along the shaft
>suggest we have sex
>"okay but I'm on my period"
>**** it, its already up
>takes off panties
>vag looks like osama bin laden, after he was shot
>put it in, **** for like 40 minutes, neither of us come (her because I suck, me for obvious reasons)
>get bored, she offers to give me a hand job
>not very good, I try to finish myself off but shes staring at me, so I don;t
>leave bloody condom in children's play area,walk back in basically silence
>she drives me to my car, kiss her goodbye, never talk to her again
#207 to #34 - peyko
Reply -21
(04/10/2014) [-]
**peyko rolled image** Is this a true story? If it is, then MFW
#369 to #207 - damnfaithlessdogs
Reply +9
(04/10/2014) [-]
This constant rolling is retarded
#431 to #369 - anon
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
**anonymous rolled image** *roll 4*

Suck it, anonymous user.
#433 to #431 - anon
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
**anonymous rolled image** *roll 4*
That roll was awful.
#509 to #34 - Amaze
Reply +1
(05/06/2014) [-]
More like valedictwhorian.
Heh..
#325 to #34 - lronman
Reply +4
(04/10/2014) [-]
if that actually happened.. im so sorry
#344 to #34 - moggycore
Reply +8
(04/10/2014) [-]
You basically ****** this, *****
You basically ****** this, *****
#408 to #34 - zeusx
Reply +11
(04/10/2014) [-]
>drags her teeth along the shaft
>drags her teeth along the shaft
#37 to #34 - midgettitwank
Reply +27
(04/10/2014) [-]
"like a cow with rigor mortis"
"like a cow with rigor mortis"
#198 to #34 - shmikechm
Reply +33
(04/10/2014) [-]
Kudos to you for remaining straight (I'm assuming) after that dreadful experience.
#35 to #34 - dildodude [OP]
Reply +50
(04/10/2014) [-]
how desperate could you possibly be to suggest sex at that point?
how desperate could you possibly be to suggest sex at that point?
#54 to #35 - graknab
Reply +117
(04/10/2014) [-]
a man with a boner is a force to be reckoned with
#97 to #54 - upsiepoopsie
Reply +41
(04/10/2014) [-]
That's a bitch slap of truth right there.
#136 to #35 - ftsfts ONLINE
Reply +6
(04/10/2014) [-]
I don't think its desperation, I think its more like **** it might as well. I've been through some dark tunnels for that same reason my friend.
#27 - connorjay
Reply +85
(04/10/2014) [-]
Seeing as everyone is doing it:

>be 14
>be at gf's house
>she suggests sex
>both virgins
>I put condom on easily (because I practiced so I didn't look like a ******* idiot)
>Put dick in
>thrust for a couple of minutes
>she says it hurt her too much and to stop
>she finishes me with her mouth

We tried again a couple days later. Her friend told her to "grin through the pain of your first time". Probably lasted a minute. If that.
#383 to #27 - cannibalvegan
Reply +4
(04/10/2014) [-]
HFW your dick goes in.
HFW your dick goes in.
#28 to #27 - connorjay
Reply +219
(04/10/2014) [-]
To this day my friends still joke about "using her tears as lube"
#85 to #28 - animalassasin
Reply +13
(04/10/2014) [-]
Comment Picture
#350 to #28 - hybridxproject
Reply +1
(04/10/2014) [-]
yfw
yfw
#33 - assassindash
Reply +72
(04/10/2014) [-]
>Be 15
>Be at home with lesbian cousin's best friend's little sister.
>Shes 17
>Go to sleep
>Wake up with her on top of me
>Already penetrated
>Too tired to give a ****
>Gives ****
>came outside
>Made sacrifice to glorious leader the next day. Again.
#199 to #33 - anon
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
I hope she doesn't think it's okay to rape people.
#220 to #199 - killerliquid
Reply -3
(04/10/2014) [-]
It's only rape if he didn't want it
#265 to #220 - rakoom
Reply +16
(04/10/2014) [-]
Unconsented sex. The guy was asleep, so it's pretty safe to say that it was rape, and she knew that.
#217 to #33 - peyko
Reply +2
(04/10/2014) [-]
Someone should arrest her for raping you.
#284 to #33 - lininop
Reply +18
(04/10/2014) [-]
"lesbian cousin's best friend's little sister"

...Jesus Chirst
#463 to #284 - assassindash
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
Lemme rephraze that, cause I missed a part; "Lesbian cousin's GIRLFRIEND'S little sister." I said best friend, I meant her lesbian lover's little sister.

Took me awhile to notice I said that wrong....
#59 to #33 - shinigamizak
Reply +162
(04/10/2014) [-]
sounds like you were raped bro, sorry
#108 to #59 - assassindash
Reply +41
(04/10/2014) [-]
No regrets to be found here.
#38 - Ulric
Reply +139
(04/10/2014) [-]
>be me
>be 15
>at gf house
>parents at some ****** antiques fair
>go go sexy time
>condom on, dick in
>last a decent time
>********.jpg
>pull out, condom broke
>******.jpg
>gf loses her ****
>super religious parents, would flay me if they knew
>all her tears and what-ifs
>desperately try to calm her (and myself)
>30 mins later gets her period

MFW all clear
#120 to #38 - YourName
Reply +7
(04/10/2014) [-]
Sperm can stay alive in someone's body for up to 7 days. Even lasting through a period. Just a protip
#371 to #120 - Ulric
Reply +9
(04/10/2014) [-]
5 years on, it's safe to say I really am all clear, although point taken
#321 to #120 - danniegurl
Reply +5
(04/10/2014) [-]
Even so, unless she has an extremely short cycle (like, 2 periods a month short, which is highly unlikely and she would probably be put on birth control to regulate her period at that point) she won't be ovulating or even fertile at that time.
Source, I'm a girl and I know how periods and ovulation work.
#400 to #321 - jsereturns
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
I doubt she was on birth control.
#406 to #400 - danniegurl
Reply +1
(04/10/2014) [-]
I wasn't saying she was. I'm saying if her cycle was short enough that she could get pregnant when they had sex on the day her period started, then she probably would have been put on birth control to regulate her period.
Long story short, I was saying it's pretty much impossible for her to get pregnant from having sex the day her period started.
#407 to #406 - jsereturns
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
Oh, I see.
#203 to #120 - gumavkleci
Reply +1
(04/10/2014) [-]
I am pretty sure that it is two days not seven. Sorry man.
#457 to #120 - RonniesCookieLove
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
From what I've learned in Human Sexuality classes, while sperm can last on average 2-3 days, sometimes up to 7 as you said; if the woman has her period right afterwards, in most cases  there's always the exception to the biological rules  the blood and uterus lining will drag the ejaculate out with it with very little chance of pregnancy. A woman's cycle tends to be centered around 28 days, with the period being day one. At around day 14 is generally when an egg will drop and pregnancy can occur. After that is generally thought of as still risky since speed of egg travel depends on the individuals bodies, health, etc. But after the period or on the period is generally safe due to lower risk of implantation of a fertilized egg, and blood pouring out of the vagina like god damn Niagara Falls.    
   
   
   
Not looking to case a war, I'm just trying to share what I know to people who may be worried.     
   
Also, if accidents happen, test yourselves, because nature finds ways to pull weird **** out of its ass.    
   
(.gif unrelated, i just ******* love AH)
From what I've learned in Human Sexuality classes, while sperm can last on average 2-3 days, sometimes up to 7 as you said; if the woman has her period right afterwards, in most cases there's always the exception to the biological rules the blood and uterus lining will drag the ejaculate out with it with very little chance of pregnancy. A woman's cycle tends to be centered around 28 days, with the period being day one. At around day 14 is generally when an egg will drop and pregnancy can occur. After that is generally thought of as still risky since speed of egg travel depends on the individuals bodies, health, etc. But after the period or on the period is generally safe due to lower risk of implantation of a fertilized egg, and blood pouring out of the vagina like god damn Niagara Falls.



Not looking to case a war, I'm just trying to share what I know to people who may be worried.

Also, if accidents happen, test yourselves, because nature finds ways to pull weird **** out of its ass.

(.gif unrelated, i just ******* love AH)
#62 to #38 - connorjay
Reply +16
(04/10/2014) [-]
mfw the girl comes on her period during
#86 to #62 - maybehuman
Reply +5
(04/10/2014) [-]
me wen i whent on a cuban vacation with my gf for 1 week, guess who else came, aunt flow she was still horny so she grinded me till a came. My dick had a carpet burn and hurt for 4 days.
#112 - manirock
Reply +135
(04/10/2014) [-]
>Be me, senior year at a tiny Christian high school
>Like 15 girls in my class
>Known them for at least 6 years
>All of them annoy the **** out of me
>Prom rolls around
>Don't ask anyone to go with me
>Decide to go anyways because I want to win prizes at the after prom
>During dance someone asks the DJ to play "smooth criminal"
>One of my favs, so I go out to the floor and breakdance
>I'm not anything special at it, but I have a few cool moves memorized
>Do them and then walk back to my table cool as a cucumber
>Fast forward to end of the after prom
>Friend, his date, and me decide to go back to my place to spend the night
>Friend's date is a sophomore
>They were just friends and not in a relationship
>We are all chilling in my living room watching South Park on DVD
>Friend runs out of cigarettes and goes out to buy more
>32% sure that friend's date had a crush on me
>Blurt out "Wanna get it on"
>Smooth Dylan, smooth, you nailed it
>She replies in a hushed tone "yeah"
>Super excited, freak out internally, mind racing, intensely confused
>Say "just kidding"
>No no no no what have I done?!?
>Fast forward five years, still virgin, living a life of regret
#302 to #112 - selfdenyingbeggar
Reply +1
(04/10/2014) [-]
yyyyyyyyoouuuuchhh....
#348 to #112 - dross
Reply +1
(04/10/2014) [-]
Michael Jackson - Smooth Criminal Lyrics

But hey **** you can breakdance.
#352 to #112 - hybridxproject
Reply +1
(04/10/2014) [-]
lol'd so hard, this is the best one i've ******* read so far.
#133 to #112 - Deathena
Reply +5
(04/10/2014) [-]
#140 to #112 - existenceisfutile
Reply +10
(04/10/2014) [-]
yfw
yfw
#222 to #112 - peyko
Reply +11
(04/10/2014) [-]
Its better to do it and then regret it, than regret you didnt do it.



Faggot.
#127 to #112 - thorandahalf
Reply +33
(04/10/2014) [-]
this is you with your past self
this is you with your past self
#117 to #112 - dildodude [OP]
Reply +41
(04/10/2014) [-]
hahahaha faggot
hahahaha faggot
#32 - sinonyx
Reply +126
(04/10/2014) [-]
23
virgin
don't give a ****
#111 to #32 - anon
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
you secretly do, admit it
#474 to #32 - anon
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
I thought I was the only one!
I thought I was the only one!
#212 to #32 - peyko
Reply +2
(04/10/2014) [-]
**peyko rolled image** Mfw you are 7 years from a wizard and level up.
#141 to #32 - datlaugh
Reply +14
(04/10/2014) [-]
Are you excited to almost be a wizard?
#110 to #32 - fuckyeahxd
Reply +44
(04/10/2014) [-]
literaly.
#49 - gux
Reply +107
(04/10/2014) [-]
Story time bitches.
>Be 14
> Friend says a girl in his class likes me (we were in paralell classes)
> Introduce me to her
> atleast a 7.5
> Being a beta fag at that point i didn't talk much to her
> She mistakes my faggotry for being shy
> A couple of weeks go by start talking to her a bit more
> Time for the school prom (it works diffrently here)
> Had a bottle of vodka hidden outside in the school yard (Most people hid their alcohol there)
> The night passes and after drinking most of the vodka i felt confident enough to talk to her
> Alphamodeengaged.jpg
> "It's hot in here want to take a walk with me?"
> She says yes
> after going out a bit on the schoolyard things are getting pretty heavy
> Were glued together like your asscheeks after a couple of hours down in the gym.
> Expanddong.exe
> About to have sex, **** yeah.png
> we decide to **** against a wall
> After about 10 minutes a teacher comes out (They were looking for people who snuck out drinking)
> Shines his flashlight at us
> I don't know what to do she just pulls up her pants and starts legging it
> Get caught with my pants down against a wall with a raging boner
> They call my über-christian parents
MFW i had to walk to the teacher lounge with a trouser tent and getting grounded by my parents
#224 to #49 - peyko
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
**peyko rolled image** Doesnt matter, had sex.
#351 to #49 - explositationer
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
9/10   
I Loled
9/10
I Loled
#77 to #49 - themysticmage
Reply +5
(04/10/2014) [-]
**themysticmage rolled image**
I feel your feel, man. I feel those feels.
#51 to #49 - dildodude [OP]
Reply +15
(04/10/2014) [-]
well...det är synd
#394 to #51 - cannibalvegan
Reply 0
(04/10/2014) [-]
Inte säker på om Svensk eller inte. Not sure if Swede or not.
#473 to #394 - gux
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
svensk som fan
#495 to #473 - cannibalvegan
Reply 0
(04/11/2014) [-]
**** yeah.
**** yeah.