Nautical Nonsense

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Nautical Nonsense. Russians are interesting people. We had a single Russian ship tail us for most of the time we we were in that area, and they did a number of

Russians are interesting people. We had a single Russian ship tail us for most of the time we we were in that area, and they did a number of really weird things. This one stands out in my memory because the camera system we have records everything and the video gets sent elsewhere to be analyzed. That means someone, somewhere, had to watch a good 15 minutes of a naked Russian boat party to make sure it wasn't somehow a threat.

I'll just not drink water for a few days, thanks. I haven't trusted you since the incident with the bleach.

We got extended unexpectedly and our supply ships had already turned around to get supplies from Singapore, expecting us to be coming by soon. Singapore is over 4000 miles from where we ended up actually being. We ran out of a LOT of supplies, so any non essential items were delayed in favor of a larger shipment of essential items. You don't realize how addicted to sugar you are until every source of it is literally cut off. I found a single individually wrapped grape life saver three weeks in to the shortage. It felt like Christmas morning.

Lock 20 hobos in a truck stop bathroom for a few days and feed them exclusively Chipotle. The carnage you're imagining is what happens when you transit the Suez. You aren't allowed to flush or shower because if your storage tanks are full the grey water would be discharged overboard right into the strait. That would 1: pollute the hell out of it and 2: Piss of the Egyptian government. It's a big enough deal that if you get caught you can get sent to mast, which is like the Navy's version of going to court. Except you never win. Ever. *edited because I'm a moron and initially put Strait of Hormuz.

Nicotine withdrawal is no joke.

Apparently the ships Ordnance officer is VERY particular about how the reports look. He also won't accept them more than a couple days before they expire, making it impossible to turn them in early enough for his yeoman to review them and avoid a cluster **** if something needs fixed.

The only reason this makes the list is because my Division Officer demanded that the captain have color copies, instead of just black and white. There was only one color printer, which was broken, so I spent essentially my entire day trying to make it work and trying to find the right ink cartridges, instead of the maintenance I needed to do on my weapon system.

The ringing in my ears really doesn't stop. Three surprise sonic booms back to back to back. If you can imagine, it's loud as hell, and if you're not expecting it, it will startle Jesus right out of your heart... It's so loud your first instinct is to just start running somewhere. It took the two of us on deck a few seconds to get out wits back about us.

Working next to a missile launcher is less exciting than you would imagine.

I wish this one was a joke, but that's an exact quote. He followed it up with something like "Should I wake up the captain?" ... I was not impressed.

Original comp found on imgur, brought here to the good bored people of FunnyJunk.

Hope I did alright for my first comp upload.

Tags: navy | sea | Ships | what | are | tags | oh | my

Mit Hill! I BIB WISH "
THEIR BEBE. Mit tltr . THEY STEIN"
Mill Fur " tarr.

...

+1804

Views:	64484
Favorited:	190
Submitted:	05/20/2015

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+306

#1 - vorarephilia

(05/20/2015) [+] (5 replies)

stickied by demicus

This is something I was wishing for.

another navy story.

+155

#55 - seamusmcmaximus (05/21/2015) [-]

My favorite Naval Story: Copy pasted for your enjoyment

"I used to be in the Navy, stationed on an Aegis-class guided-missile cruiser. One day at sea, I'm taking a break on the flight deck (which was just behind the rear Aegis radar array), and I noticed all these dead birds all over the flight deck. It didn't take me too long to realize that these birds had flown in front of the radar and been microwaved to death.

This gave me an idea. I figured if it works on birds, it should work on popcorn. A microwave's a microwave, right? So, the next time we pull into port, I go to get some microwave popcorn.

Unfortunately, my shopping trip coincided with Superbowl Sunday, so the microwave popcorn (and just about every other salty snack in the store) was gone. All they had left was Jiffy-Pop. I didn't even know they still MADE Jiffy-Pop. Anyway, science waits for no man (or something like that), so I return to the ship and stash the popcorn in my shop.

During our next outing, I tie some string to the handle of the Jiffy-Pop pan, and sneak out onto the weather deck. just forward of my shop was a ladder that led to the deck overlooking the radaar array (but which is closed off during radar operations for safety reasons), so I climb up there and lower the Jiffy-Pop down in front of the array.

BOOM! the Jiffy-Pop explodes immediately, showering the flight deck with burned popcorn. I pull the burst pan up, wind up my string, and chuck the entire apparatus over the side before running back into my shop.

No sooner do I walk in the door, then the phone rings. It's CICS (the "War Room"). The Officer In Charge wants me to go out on the weather deck and look behind us, and tell him if anything's there. I do, there isn't, and I tell him so. He hangs up, swearing.

Later that night, I get the story from a radioman friend of mine who was in CICS at the time. Turns out that the Jiffy-Pop pan had reflected the Radar waves. For those who aren't familiar with radar operation, a radar array sweeps back and forth, radiating waves the whole time. The waves are then reflected back to the array by anything they hit (such as planes, another ship, etc). This reflection tell the radar how big something is, how far away it is, etc. The problem comes with the wavelengths involved. At too close a distance, and object can show up on the radar as being at a different distance than it really is. Or a different size.

My Jiffy-Pop pan appeared on the radar as a three-mile-wide contact, 100 yards off the stern, and was only on-screen for a couple of seconds before disappearing! The OIC was freaking out about it, and had called the Air Force.

So, in the end, my curiosity about the microwave properties of an Aegis radar caused a US Navy warship to file a false UFO report! "

#107 to #55 - anon (05/21/2015) [-]

This made me laugh more then it should had

#65 to #55 - stickmanz (05/21/2015) [-]

Thats one of the best stories i've ever heard

+81

#27 - dingdongpancakes (05/20/2015) [-]

uhhh..What happened with the bleach incident?

+213

#3 - angelusprimus (05/20/2015) [-]

This actually happens often enough that a friend of mine who is a non smoker always had a couple of cartons saved up for when it does happen.
Being a joke stereotype of a sailor he usually spent all he made on hookers during shore leave.

#70 to #3 - spetsnazvymple (05/21/2015) [-]

i once sold a can of Copenhagen for 120 in the field once

#77 to #3 - potrsr (05/21/2015) [-]

Not in the army but I once found unpacked Boss Gold on the ground. It was sunday so all stores were closed. Held an auction for them, highest bidw as 10€. Smokers will do anything for them cigarrets. ****** didn't share a singel cig either. (for clarification, boss gold is around 3.5€ where I live so he payed triple)

+22

#43 to #3 - anon (05/21/2015) [-]

>Does something really smart
>Follows up by doing something equally stupid

Such is life in the Navy

+16

#15 to #3 - dawggz (05/20/2015) [-]

Happens more than you could imagine.

I live in the seaside and I have a friend who is a sailor, on his first trip he bought 20 cartons of cigarettes from the shore.
Average pack of cigarettes costs 14.50 monetary units (m.u.)
He bought them for < 10 m.u. each from some smugs
Sold one pack for 25-30 m.u. on the ship.
Came home with even more money and packs of cigarettes than he left with, because he traveled eastward.

+37

#36 - anon (05/20/2015) [-]

Think I might make an account just to share **** that happens to me as an ATC operator for the USAF. Never been arsed to make an account till now.

#125 to #36 - sybo (05/21/2015) [-]

PLX

#127 to #36 - hotschurl (05/21/2015) [-]

Please?

#45 to #36 - timecop (05/21/2015) [-]

DO IT!!!!!!

#57 to #36 - gtocforyou (05/21/2015) [-]

Do it.

+55

#4 - mrhadrick (05/20/2015) [-]

navy mentioned, swell with pride

#75 to #4 - anon (05/21/2015) [-]

Medway, 1667

#143 to #75 - jamalot (05/21/2015) [-]

That was one of thousands of battles the Rayal Navy has fought. "oh they lost that battle over 300 years ago, they must suck"

#84 - zomaru ONLINE (05/21/2015) [-]

What do you do? I'd image you try to contact the jet and if it can't be reached you send out a party to intercept it?

-11

#94 to #84 - anon (05/21/2015) [-]

"party"
When people use vidya terms for real situations

+14

#96 to #94 - zomaru ONLINE (05/21/2015) [-]

Well, As far as Civilian terms go Party is perfectly acceptable. But if you're going to be a dick about it I'll call it a squadron.

-6

#131 to #96 - anon (05/21/2015) [-]

I friggin hate people like you.

You are the same as those people who say Marines are not soldiers, when in fact..

THEY ARE ******* SOLDIERS STATIONED ON NAVAL VESSEL FFS
Party is practically the same thing as squadron, exept it is a different figure of speech.

#138 to #131 - gmarrox (05/21/2015) [-]

Marines are more closely related to sailors than soldiers, and they're neither. They're Marines. Calling a Marine a soldier is like calling a police officer a firefighter. You're just mad you don't get to decide how words work.

#128 to #94 - pwnagraphy (05/21/2015) [-]

How do you tell if someone's in the military?

Don't worry. They'll tell you, then remind you that you are a civilian who knows nothing

#86 to #84 - darksideofthebeast (05/21/2015) [-]

Yes, but he probably had to get confirmation to do so.
Also, could've been one of his first times actually encountering any possible danger. So I think most humans might react the same way when they first notice it.

#87 to #86 - zomaru ONLINE (05/21/2015) [-]

That's odd. I'm a civilian and My first thought would be communication. Why would someone on the bridge of a ship not think the same thing?

#88 to #87 - darksideofthebeast (05/21/2015) [-]

Yes, obviously anyone in their right mind would think to do that, I'm not disagreeing.
But he also could've had a brief moment of panic, the writer didn't specify if he said it and then contacted, or if he said it and just waited for someone to give him an order.

#89 to #88 - zomaru ONLINE (05/21/2015) [-]

I guess the Navy may be drilled into to wait for orders from their higher ups.

#90 to #89 - darksideofthebeast (05/21/2015) [-]

That's what I am assuming also.
But I could be wrong as I've never been in the navy.

+15

#8 - xzenoo (05/20/2015) [-]

Simply being conscripted & spending 2 weeks camping in the forest has every possible non-essential see a 500% rise in value.
Always packed almost 10kg worth extra weight in my pack to make money People have money incase a cafeteria van comes by as the camp progresses, could also use stuff to buy your ass out of nightwatch & other lottery ticket assingments like emptying the "makki pakki" which is the box in which people **** . The forests these practices take place are sometimes private, so we don't want to leave **** lying around

#29 to #8 - frets (05/20/2015) [-]

What country are you from

#81 to #29 - vorarephilia

(05/21/2015) [-]

#108 to #81 - anon (05/21/2015) [-]

underrated post

#145 to #29 - keltainenlumi (05/21/2015) [-]

yes

#10 to #8 - captainprincess (05/20/2015) [-]

****** on the right
me all over

would care if not for the fact that I got to spend extra hours being taught how to turn and stamp properly
terribly sorry mein furher my poise isn't the best

+13

#98 - kuchikirukia (05/21/2015) [-]

Electronics Technician has its benefits.

#99 to #98 - kuchikirukia (05/21/2015) [-]

#100 to #99 - kuchikirukia (05/21/2015) [-]

#101 to #100 - kuchikirukia (05/21/2015) [-]

Dolphins, from the top of the stick.

#102 to #101 - kuchikirukia (05/21/2015) [-]

It's a race!

#103 to #102 - kuchikirukia (05/21/2015) [-]

We're just a couple toy boats in the bathtub.

+21

#35 - demicus [OP](05/20/2015) [-]

Since this went pretty well, I'll post a second one of these Navy comps. Then maybe do some digging around and see about other branches as well.

Thanks for the support, guys!

#110 to #35 - PFCMadness (05/21/2015) [-]

If you could find some stuff for the Army, I'd love you forever! Either way, Naval Nonsense works brilliantly. Do whatever you want, buddy.

#112 to #35 - muprocalle (05/21/2015) [-]

funny and interesting to read!, well done!

#114 to #35 - anon (05/21/2015) [-]

The comps are very nice, but dont put that avatar picture is nerd, thanks for all.

#120 to #35 - MrKittyKat (05/21/2015) [-]

If i can get a mention, that'd be nice.

#37 to #35 - anon (05/20/2015) [-]

I enjoyed it. Reminded me of all the **** that happens to me as an ATC operator for the USAF. Might make an account just to post.

+10

#12 - dracosjaws (05/20/2015) [-]

Can you do other branches?

Air Force will be hilarious.

#31 to #12 - demicus [OP](05/20/2015) [-]

I'll look into it, but don't hold your breath. My first real comp here today

+17

#21 - kombatexplain (05/20/2015) [-]

I thought this was a Fenn's job comp.
pic related its the realization

#28 - yobo (05/20/2015) [-]

This was a good comp, and i enjoyed reading it, but as a grunt in the army, I chuckle at how first world the problems seem. No shower or toilets for 2 days?!?! Try no shower for 2 weeks in the field. I got two words, friend: Baby Wipes.

Keep making these, and maybe do an infantry one next.

#9 - denisDARussian (05/20/2015) [-]

aww yiiss a decent comp. keep em coming

#33 - Toshiro (05/20/2015) [-]

What... what "do" you do?

#115 to #33 - anon (05/21/2015) [-]

I will send al muricas flyers and crash with it.

#118 to #33 - sphincterface (05/21/2015) [-]

Attempt to radio the jet. If no response, prepare any anti-air defenses. Try to radio again and if no response still, shoot it down.

#126 to #118 - anon (05/21/2015) [-]

I have absolutely no experience or knowledge in anything military related but I'll still say "shoot it down" isn't an option until it's proven to be hostile, like actually opening fire

Warning shots maybe

#38 to #33 - sinery (05/20/2015) [-]

Probably send some combat planes up and ready anti air missiles.

#51 to #38 - ferrocordis (05/21/2015) [-]

But, it's night, do you really want to wake people up? No regrets, just lazy.

#49 to #38 - spacefield (05/21/2015) [-]

If we are in a sub, we just go under water.

#30 - thatdrummerguy (05/20/2015) [-]

The first one reminds me of deployment last year when we had to go into the Black Sea on three separate occasions. Each time the Russian ship following us getting closer and more aggressive until one night under a full moon I was on the smoke deck and I could make out individual items on their weather deck. I won't lie I got pretty nervous especially when aft SPY Radar went down soon as they crossed behind us.
They could've shot us with a missile then and we wouldn't have known until it was too late.

#40 to #30 - trainalf (05/20/2015) [-]

Don't ship fired missiles go up then come down? Wouldn't you have seen it? Or do Russian ships not have VLS?

#62 to #40 - thatdrummerguy (05/21/2015) [-]

I'm not sure what type of launching system their ships have.
They could've hit us with a missile or a deck gun.

#60 - pentol ONLINE (05/21/2015) [-]

for reference about the hearing damage one:

Hot pit exercise (planes land and gets serviced with engines running, then take off again)
Wearing double hearing protection (foam plugs + active noice reducing headset)
F-16, a relatively small, single engine plane (many jets are larger with double engines)
Engines on idle.
Working on the wings, as far away from the engines as you get on a jet.
Whenever i'm not carrying something, or tightening it, i instinctively hold my hands up to press down the headset, to reduce the noise even a little bit.
Still took all day and the next before the whistling was completely gone.

#92 to #60 - anon (05/21/2015) [-]

Well to be fair the one engine a Viper DOES have is a pretty big engine.

#54 - holasoymilk (05/21/2015) [-]

Jesus christ... remind me to never join any part of the military ever.

#139 - butrflyblade (05/21/2015) [-]

Pretty freaking sweet that you're a corpsman attatched to a ship. Ship billets are hard as **** to get! 8404 here but im attached to the naval Hospital.

#133 - buttlumps (05/21/2015) [-]

The first one If this doesent get 1000 likes, i'm gonna become a terrible themed account