I want to meet Kevin.... . 9339 points 3 months ago‘: (Tue Mar 25 2014 11: 26: 53 (US Eastern ]] () It' s not uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a b
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I want to meet Kevin...

9339 points 3 months ago‘: (Tue Mar 25 2014 11: 26: 53 (US Eastern ]] ()
It' s not uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a bit behind the curve in certain aspects, but 99. 99999%
of the time they are keen on something. They might not understand how to identify a noun or what theme is, but
they somehow know how to make a mean plate of nachos. You learn pretty quick to not judge fish for their tree
climbing ability, ya know?
I thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Kevin isn' t his real name, but it doesn' t matter
because he can' t spell it any’ way’. Kevin was a student of mine during my last Year of teaching. He came to my
classroom with very little to show for his academic past, He had moved a few times and thus was missing a lot of
typical test scores that we use to try and ballpark their ability {Don' t worry, it was a ballpark..... we didn' t make
major decisions until we actually had a chance to talk and work with a student for a bit.) I thought "That' s fine, I' ll
just do some ? with Kevin and see what' s up" One on One with kevin was like conversing with someone
who' d forgotten everything in a freak, if not impossible, amnesia incident. There was no evidence that he had
learned anything past the End grade.... and now he was in tth grade. Flabbergasted, I figured we needed to get
more serious with this. If he was going to be in my class, I needed to know why and how.
I decided to meet with him, his guidance counselor, his parents, and another teacher to see what was really going
on. This is where it all became clear, It was by some incredible fluke that his family’ hadn' t been wiped off the face
of the Earth years ago. Odds are his entire heritage was based on blind luck and some type of sick divine
intervention that saves his family’ every’ time a threat presents itself. Kevin was the genetic pinnacle of this null
achievement. Even my instructional lead, a woman who could find a redeeming trait in a Balrog, failed to see any’
reason this kid or his family’ should be alive today’.
So here' s a list of events that made it abundantly clear that god exists and he' s laughing uncontrollably’:
o Kevin frequently forgot when/ where class was. On more than one occasion, I had to retrieve him from other
classrooms.
o Kevin ate an entire 24 pack of crayons, puked, and then did it again the next day, This is tth grade. I have
no idea where he got crayons,
o Kevin' s dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me... his English teacher. This was a public school. When
I gave it back to Kevin, voided, to give to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is a public school,
Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at after school.
o Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and
starting a firestone
o Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource C) oficer and tried to run away’. He ran into a door and insisted it
wasn' t him,
o Kevin stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang. He denied that it was ringing. (Not that it wasn' t his,
not that he did it..... no, he denied that the phone was actually ringing), He tried it three times before the
end of the year,
o Kevin called the basketball coach a " Bitch" during gym, Basketball tryouts were that
afternoon. Kevin tried out. It didn' t go well.
o Kevin' s mom could never remember which school he went to, She missed several meetings because she
drove to other schools {none of which he ever went to)
o Kevin taxed himself in the neck before a football game
Kevin kept a bottle of orange koolaide in his backpack for about 4 months. He thought it would turn into
alcohol. He drank it during homeroom and threw up.
w Kevin say the Inward a lot. Kevin was white. The highschool was black. Kevin got beat up a lot.
o Kevin stole another student' s Iphone.... and tried to sell it back to them.
o Kevin didn' t understand that his grade was dependent on tests, quizzes, homework, classwork, and
participation. Kevin finished his first semester with a 3% average. He tried to bribe me with .
o Kevin spit on a girl and said "You should get out of those wet clothes". The girl was the Spanish Student
Teacher.
o Kevin didn' t know dogs and cats were different animals.
o Kevin tried to download porn onto a computer in the library’..... at the circulation desk.... while he was logged
o Kevin asked a girl to prom (he was in tth grade and freshmen don' t go to prom) by asking for her phone
number and then texting her his address
o Kevin got gum in his hair, constantly’.
o Kevin regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over, grabbing one before I had picked
them all up, and then writing it name on it wherever there was room.
o Kevin had several allergies, but neither his parents nor he could remember what they were. They were very
concerned that "the holiday party" (ies high school, we don' t have those) would have peanuts. When they
finally got a doctor' s note.... he was allergic to amoxicillin
o Kevin and his parents took a trip to Nassau (how the **** did they even get airline tickets?) and forgot all
their luggage at home. I didn' t believe him when he told me until I talked to him mom, who told me sst thing
when I saw her at the meeting.
o Kevin' s grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can only assume God was looking the other
way that day,
...
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Submitted: 07/10/2014
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Comments(67):

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What do you think? Give us your opinion. Anonymous comments allowed.
#11 - xxxsonic fanxxx (07/11/2014) [-]
stickied by brcstar
#1 - maxwellkruger (07/10/2014) [+] (2 replies)
#2 to #1 - brcstar (07/10/2014) [-]
Your loss man
Your loss man
#5 - xxxsonic fanxxx (07/10/2014) [+] (11 replies)
Something isn't right here. He is an English teacher, but...

I Didn't believe him when he told me until I talked to HIM mom.

Obviously fake. It makes me sad though. that would have been funny.
User avatar #6 to #5 - brcstar (07/10/2014) [-]
Or, it could be a typo?
#17 - BmanX (07/11/2014) [+] (1 reply)
Seems about right.
#13 - antzell (07/11/2014) [+] (2 replies)
The tuition check.
#28 - acebuck (07/11/2014) [+] (3 replies)
Years later he became an accountant at a failing paper supply company.
User avatar #18 - Lambda ONLINE (07/11/2014) [+] (1 reply)
I went to school with a girl who thought that Michael Jackson went from black to white because he used tide-to-go bleach on himself.
#4 - lulchux (07/10/2014) [-]
based kevin
praise
#38 - ashedust (07/11/2014) [-]
Of course there's divine intervention keeping this family alive. God is mildly amused.
Of course there's divine intervention keeping this family alive. God is mildly amused.
User avatar #26 - namdelliks (07/11/2014) [+] (5 replies)
I read all of that and was expecting "but that kid can make some damn fine nachos" or some redeeming thing, but there was none. So why the **** did he talk about redeeming factors in his first paragraph?

And he claims to be an English teacher..
User avatar #27 to #26 - Kiriopolis (07/11/2014) [-]
Because the person thought originally that no matter how dumb or untalented you thought someone was, they're always good at something.

UNTIL they met Kevin. Kevin destroyed that rule for the teacher because he had no redeeming qualities. The rule that basically kept the teacher from going insane was null and voided by Kevin, because he was literally a waste of space.
User avatar #25 - lolollo (07/11/2014) [+] (1 reply)
Hold up, hold up, hold up...

...the girl gave him her phone number...
#21 - infinitereaper (07/11/2014) [-]
I suddenly feel like a genius
I suddenly feel like a genius
#3 - boxdweller ONLINE (07/10/2014) [+] (1 reply)
User avatar #35 to #3 - arrisarrad (07/11/2014) [-]
But I think it's a story you'd like. You'd probably REALLY relate to the main character.
User avatar #57 - demandsgayversion (07/11/2014) [-]
"I caught him in the teacher's lounge with his penis stuck in the ceiling fan. He said he was trying to open a can of Pepsi."
User avatar #54 - fuzzysixx ONLINE (07/11/2014) [-]
>Kevin didn't know dogs and cats were different animals.

This one ******* sealed the deal for me.
#49 - dildobarbarian (07/11/2014) [+] (1 reply)
User avatar #52 to #49 - slendermanspenis (07/11/2014) [-]
Its worth it.
#51 - carlsaganrealness (07/11/2014) [-]
how did he get that girls number?
how did he get that girls number?
#41 - xxxsonic fanxxx (07/11/2014) [-]
No face to be had when my name is Kevin.
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