An alien's guide to humans.. . sf I lid, It WARNING: A HUMAN CAN KEEP FIGHTING FOR HOURS EVEN AFTER YOU SHOOT IT. WARNING. THE HUMAN MOUTH HAS can mary ; BONE A
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Click to expand

An alien's guide to humans.

sf I lid,
It WARNING:
A HUMAN CAN KEEP FIGHTING
FOR HOURS EVEN AFTER YOU
SHOOT IT.
WARNING. THE HUMAN MOUTH HAS can mary ; BONE
AND POWERFUL JAM MUSCLES.
HUMAN WTFS CAN as neuv EVEN mass HUMANS,
WARNING: HUMANS CAN DETECT YOU
BY TRACKING VIBRATIONS THROUGH
I THE ATMOSPHERE.
EXPOSE THEMSEALVES _. q
HUMAN EXTREMELY
RESILIENT AND RETURN. : Y TO THE
HOST SITE TO REBUILD.
ff h
REMOVING A LIMB WILL NOT
FATALLY INCAPACITATE A
HUMANS: ALWAYS DESTROY
COKEHEAD.
CAUTION:
HUMANS CAN PROJECT BIOWEAPONS
FROM ALMOST EVERY ORIFICE ON
THEIR BODY. DO NOT INHALE!
METAL Tsuri, BONES@ F‘
...
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Views: 71028
Favorited: 398
Submitted: 11/12/2013
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Comments(457):

[ 457 comments ]
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#108 - giux (11/13/2013) [-]
The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton
User avatar #427 to #108 - poncakeforlife (11/13/2013) [-]
Andrew Gold - Spooky Scary Skeletons

2spoopy4me
User avatar #439 to #108 - shredheadxd (11/13/2013) [-]
technically (mathematically) speaking the average human body contains less human bones than a fully developed human body
User avatar #446 to #108 - olfactory (11/14/2013) [-]
No you only get a skeleton when you die.
User avatar #138 to #108 - asianizer (11/13/2013) [-]
What the **** ....
#428 to #108 - youthanasia (11/13/2013) [-]
Sounds like this ******* Wi-Fi forehead niglet.
#429 to #428 - kakariko (11/13/2013) [-]
Wifi Forehead

Wifi Smith
#375 to #108 - swagbot (11/13/2013) [-]
THANKS BLACK SCIENCE MAN!!
#50 - thechosentroll (11/12/2013) [-]
Reminds me of something I thought about after I read about Warhammer 40k death worlds. Basically, death worlds are planets with extremely inhospitable conditions, filled with giant creatures that can murder you horribly at a whim and often ridden by war. That's when I thought to myself "Wait a sec. That sounds a bit like Earth. We already have flesh-eating parasites, creatures that can squish, kill, eviscerate, disembowel or decapitate you with a single strike, massive temperature variations, acid falling from the sky, constant volcanic activity and more fatal diseases than a Kardashian has neurons." and then it dawned on me. We could actually be living on a death world and we wouldn't even realise it, because we've never been to another habitable planet. All the deadly **** we consider commonplace could actually be extremely rare on a galactic scale. Heck, Australia could be the single deadliest place in the galaxy. We could very well be some of the toughest ************* in the universe, if everyone else is a whimp with a massive brain, but the physical strength of a 5-yearold girl.
#443 to #50 - taurusguy (11/13/2013) [-]
What if the reason nobody has contacted us is because they are afraid that if we want we could just crush them even if they have immense minds.
#335 to #50 - theimmortalemperor (11/13/2013) [-]
Because space marine. that's why
User avatar #62 to #50 - dreamcast (11/13/2013) [-]
So if we live on a death world now then what wou;ld we call our planet when we had dinosaures?
User avatar #63 to #62 - thechosentroll (11/13/2013) [-]
Deathlier world?
#64 to #63 - dreamcast (11/13/2013) [-]
Perhaps it was so bad they had to initiate exterminatus. That cleared out the planet of all hostile life and humans settled on it. But then contact was lost during the dark age of humanity and the imperium just hasn't thought to look on our planet. We think we are on the real earth but we are not. We have just been lied to by a Chaos controlled government.
#68 to #50 - silverlance (11/13/2013) [-]
Catachan is best death world
User avatar #223 to #68 - hellsjester (11/13/2013) [-]
*cough cough* is basically Asian tropics *cough cough* wait..... we are a death world O.O
#58 to #57 - thechosentroll (11/12/2013) [-]
Oh, neat. Didn't have that one.
#209 to #58 - blackoutonetwotwo ONLINE (11/13/2013) [-]
Here, have a *BLAM*
#85 to #50 - batwill **User deleted account** (11/13/2013) [-]
Is that Space Marine Gandhi?
Is that Space Marine Gandhi?
#358 to #85 - ancientaliens (11/13/2013) [-]
mfw ghandi declares war on me with his fleet of nuclear bombers
mfw ghandi declares war on me with his fleet of nuclear bombers
#52 to #50 - thechosentroll (11/12/2013) [-]
While I'm on the topic of 40k, I may as well share this.
User avatar #128 to #52 - spartusee (11/13/2013) [-]
Why. I mean I knew it was going to be ridiculously bad because everything about 40k is but it's always so interesting. Is 40k an rpg?
User avatar #133 to #128 - demicus (11/13/2013) [-]
Its primarily a tabletop war game, but its story has spawned off books, films, RPG's, variants of DnD and Pathfinder, RTS games, RPG games, FPS games... Its been around for years too, its pretty much an institution rather than a game these days.
#441 to #128 - silverlance (11/13/2013) [-]
Warhammer MMO scheduled for 2015
#444 to #52 - silverlance (11/13/2013) [-]
This is slightly wrong, the immaterium is like stasis, it would be 5 days for those on board and 17 months for those in real time
#9 - snakefire (11/12/2013) [-]
The contents of a humans stomach are highly corrosive and may become projectile if the human is injured, frightened, or poisoned   
   
Humans have striated clumps of flesh that allow their movement, and it's extremely tough and makes them incredibly powerful. The more they use these, the bigger and more powerful they get.   
   
Humans will train other animals indigenous to their planet to use as weapons. Canines are often under human command and will attack anything they see as a threat to their human.   
   
Some humans have even survived falls from aircraft that were flying 2 miles up.   
   
Humans can have some organs removed and still live without even being hindered by the loss.   
   
When unarmed, humans will ball the appendages at the end of their forearms to use as a blunt weapon. The hard bones in these appendages can make blows extremely devastating, as with perfect training it can even break rock.
The contents of a humans stomach are highly corrosive and may become projectile if the human is injured, frightened, or poisoned

Humans have striated clumps of flesh that allow their movement, and it's extremely tough and makes them incredibly powerful. The more they use these, the bigger and more powerful they get.

Humans will train other animals indigenous to their planet to use as weapons. Canines are often under human command and will attack anything they see as a threat to their human.

Some humans have even survived falls from aircraft that were flying 2 miles up.

Humans can have some organs removed and still live without even being hindered by the loss.

When unarmed, humans will ball the appendages at the end of their forearms to use as a blunt weapon. The hard bones in these appendages can make blows extremely devastating, as with perfect training it can even break rock.
User avatar #49 to #9 - xxmemesxx (11/12/2013) [-]
go post your dick more, maybe you'll get some 12 year olds dripping wet for your girlish figure
User avatar #110 to #9 - thenewnuggubler ONLINE (11/13/2013) [-]
Human metabolisms are so high they can digest some of the toughest organic materials known in a matter of hours, with a chemical strong enough to corrode steel blades
User avatar #121 to #9 - nigeltheoutlaw (11/13/2013) [-]
My dad is missing his spleen, a kidney, his gallbladder, and his appendix and he's fine.
User avatar #419 to #9 - commontroll (11/13/2013) [-]
Fists are actually less effective than an open-hand strike, interestingly enough. Unless of course you train yourself and constantly punch hard surfaces to strengthen your knuckles so they don't break when you punch somebody's face.
User avatar #19 to #9 - vikinginabox (11/12/2013) [-]
The last one is so obvious but the way you put it makes us sound like a bunch of badasses
User avatar #15 to #9 - captainfuckitall (11/12/2013) [-]
Fun Fact: You can actually remove up to half of nearly every organ in your body and you would still be able to live perfectly fine.
User avatar #14 to #9 - hemming (11/12/2013) [-]
Some Organs removed

Bitch you can take like 80% of our organs out, remove arms, legs and hips and we will still function, we can't do **** but we will still techically function..
User avatar #16 to #14 - snakefire (11/12/2013) [-]
I said without hindrance.
Humans can have half a liver, a kidney, and a lung removed and still do almost everything they could before.
User avatar #241 to #16 - themongoose (11/13/2013) [-]
the liver can be cut down to a quarter...and grow back.
#147 to #16 - jakeattack (11/13/2013) [-]
eh idk bout a lung, it may be possible to live with one, but your cardio will go to ****
User avatar #415 to #147 - commontroll (11/13/2013) [-]
It's definitely possible. When I had a cracked rib that made it nearly impossible to breath, I learned to breath with only one lung, and I was still pretty much up to par cardio-wise.
#453 to #415 - jakeattack (11/14/2013) [-]
hmm. but are you sure you were completely not using that lung? i feel like even just sitting there it would do more than having it completely removed would. hmm this could be interesting.
#455 to #453 - jakeattack (11/14/2013) [-]
interesting. well maybe it had no effect for you cardio wise, but that might vary. ive got ****** cardio to begin with so losing a lung would really suck
User avatar #454 to #453 - commontroll (11/14/2013) [-]
If I ever inhaled even slightly, my rib would let me know. I had to learn to compress one lung while expanding the other. It'd be even simpler if you had a missing lung, because you wouldn't have to worry about making sure one doesn't take in air. You would just always be limited is all.
User avatar #17 to #16 - snakefire (11/12/2013) [-]
also parts of the brain
-11
#46 to #16 - icewraith has deleted their comment [-]
#53 to #46 - snakefire (11/12/2013) [-]
A missing kidney and half a liver, I could see that affecting your diet, as your kidneys are supper efficient even one not working at full capacity is more than enough, but the only one I could see actually hindering you from any real activity would be the lung, and even still after physiotherapy someone could still run better than I probably could.

Citations ************ .
You need to login to view this link
www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=how-can-you-live-without

But thanks for ******* insulting my education, and being rude when uncalled for.
User avatar #10 to #9 - canines ONLINE (11/12/2013) [-]
may you refere me to my human so i may have somthing to do then
#18 to #10 - nandaaz (11/12/2013) [-]
I am your cat human
I am your cat human
#21 to #18 - canines ONLINE (11/12/2013) [-]
then i am here to excite you
#24 to #21 - nandaaz (11/12/2013) [-]
General Barkington! We shall attack the tank -also known as the "vacuum cleaner"- at dawn! Prepare for battle!
#25 to #24 - canines ONLINE (11/12/2013) [-]
the troops are ready for your command sir
#32 to #25 - nandaaz (11/12/2013) [-]
Good. We are going to do a manouvre to trick the enemy. FOLLOW MY LEAD!
Good. We are going to do a manouvre to trick the enemy. FOLLOW MY LEAD!
#388 to #32 - canines ONLINE (11/13/2013) [-]
approaching your position and following your lead (nearly)
approaching your position and following your lead (nearly)
#22 to #18 - canines ONLINE (11/12/2013) [-]
and i hope it helps you get satisfied
User avatar #163 to #9 - kievaughnb (11/13/2013) [-]
Humans breathe a corrosive gas.

Humans have iron in their veins.

Despite claims that attacking our head always kills them, they can live without half of their brain.

To mate, the male erects a part of his body and inserts it into a female, and proceeds to eject several million eukaryotic life forms into the female.

Humans have evolved to the point that their primary danger is either themselves or other humans.

Humans have the instinctive ability to run and fight, but if trained, they can kill each other in a matter of seconds using self -taught fighting styles and run tens of miles without stopping. They can also train themselves to lift several times their own body weight.
User avatar #391 to #163 - yutdollacwwwthree (11/13/2013) [-]
"Humans have evolved to the point that their primary danger is either themselves or other humans. "

That's pretty ****** deep, man

User avatar #174 to #163 - kievaughnb (11/13/2013) [-]
attacking their head always kills them*

Hard not to identify with humans
#4 - tarromarran ONLINE (11/12/2013) [-]
i-i have never felt so badass in my life...
User avatar #48 to #4 - xxmemesxx (11/12/2013) [-]
well you shouldn't, faggot
#384 to #4 - jakols (11/13/2013) [-]
Stumbled upon this on the front page a few months ago, figured it would come in handy one day.
i guess the time is upon us
enjoy
User avatar #33 to #8 - ompalomper (11/12/2013) [-]
i KNEW that there had to be at least one elegan/tg/entelman here on FJ that knew of the wonderful thing that is humanity **** yeah
#123 to #93 - finjin (11/13/2013) [-]
I-It is s-so beautiful This is amazing!
User avatar #442 to #93 - ompalomper (11/13/2013) [-]
i like you. even though i have already read all of them, they are still worth re-reading.

ill see if i can return the favor
#56 to #4 - cleomech (11/12/2013) [-]
Try watching Gurren Lagann, you'll feel like the toughest ************ on the face of The Earth.
#23 - theguywhoaskswhy (11/12/2013) [-]
Some Humans inhale toxic gases and consume poisonous fluids on a daily basis. For no discernible reason.
-2
#392 to #23 - theguywhoaskswhy has deleted their comment [-]
User avatar #408 to #23 - redbrutal (11/13/2013) [-]
That's becouse we are so metal that we weaken ourselves so that our enemies have a chanse against us.
User avatar #307 to #23 - greenstrongworld (11/13/2013) [-]
For pleasure.
#387 to #23 - worried (11/13/2013) [-]
how about for ***** and giggles?
#146 to #23 - nickypickle ONLINE (11/13/2013) [-]
truly, a master trole

xxmemesxx
User avatar #187 to #146 - mayormilkman (11/13/2013) [-]
Just ignore him.
User avatar #194 to #187 - nickypickle ONLINE (11/13/2013) [-]
shhhhh
User avatar #153 to #23 - hockeycrazysteve (11/13/2013) [-]
420 blaze it faggot
User avatar #112 - leonhardt (11/13/2013) [-]
They keep leaving out the part where we nailed our god to a stick, so he could apologize to us.
#114 to #112 - Rascal (11/13/2013) [-]
leonhardt is euphoric, for he is enlightened by his intelligence
User avatar #149 to #114 - leonhardt (11/13/2013) [-]
anon is upset because I made a reference to religion and he's an atheist and it makes him very sad.
User avatar #351 to #112 - frodr (11/13/2013) [-]
He apologized for us, not to us.
#60 - themedianoche **User deleted account** (11/12/2013) [-]
We are the most metal thing ever
#131 to #60 - perdition (11/13/2013) [-]
We stick it to our teeth. So metal.
#67 - Snowplows (11/13/2013) [-]
"Humans will occasionally consume a variety of toxic fermented liquids. While it will hinder their coordination, it will make then much more courageous and willing to fight."
"Humans will occasionally consume a variety of toxic fermented liquids. While it will hinder their coordination, it will make then much more courageous and willing to fight."
#113 to #67 - secondfunction (11/13/2013) [-]
**secondfunction rolls 03** dat roll.
User avatar #417 to #67 - commontroll (11/13/2013) [-]
It also makes them much stronger than normal, because their muscles won't limit themselves.
#45 - serotonin (11/12/2013) [-]
Humans are bloodthirsty race and they take pride of their cruelty. It has been cofirmed that foundation of their largest religious movement is belief that they tortured and killed supposed son of Creator.
#148 to #45 - jakeattack (11/13/2013) [-]
dont **** with the human race, we nailed our god to a cross!
#65 to #54 - meatbeaterz **User deleted account** (11/13/2013) [-]
emperor is that you?
#191 - brisineo (11/13/2013) [-]
Humans are evolved to have incredible endurance and are the most effective endurance hunters on the planet. They can only sprint short distances, but they can pursue you for MILES and not tire.

Humans are abnormal in their healing abilities; being able to sustain what would otherwise be fatal blows and shrug it off life threatening shock while filling it with a fibrous and fast acting flesh growth called "scar tissue." Even if a not immediately deadly vital organ is stabbed or damaged, they can go for days to weeks without treatment.

Humans consume chemicals that are toxic or irritating to other organisms in their ecosystem, such as capsaicin, menthol, and theobromine, which they add to their foods for enjoyment purposes and even health purposes. They have even evolved the ability to ingest the mammary secretions of other mammals in their ecosystem.

Humans tend to put themselves into harms way as apparently the systems their body evolved to warn them of danger also is pleasurable, compelling them to perform potentially fatal actions for the thrill and attempts of attention by other humans. There have been many cases of humans dying whist seeking this thrill and it still has not stopped them. Some even go as far as ingesting, inhaling, or injecting corrosive and highly toxic chemicals for this same pleasure.

No wonder aliens haven't contacted us yet. We're so dangerous they probably keep us on a surveillance basis thinking that once we see them we're going to hijack their saucers and carpet nuke their home planet while smoking victory cigars and waving cowboy hats.
#395 to #191 - iwasonaboat (11/13/2013) [-]
"No wonder aliens haven't contacted us yet. We're so dangerous they probably keep us on a surveillance basis thinking that once we see them we're going to hijack their saucers and carpet nuke their home planet while smoking victory cigars and waving cowboy hats."

You make it sound like that's something that we're not likely to do, like an exaggeration or overblown story. That is basically our ONLY course of action when encountering alien life and flying saucers. The likelihood of space cowboys nuking **** rises to 100% when we discover flying saucers.
#111 - anticitezenone ONLINE (11/13/2013) [-]
User avatar #117 to #111 - theluppijackal ONLINE (11/13/2013) [-]
That might be one of the best copy pastas I ever read.
#173 to #111 - gerfox ONLINE (11/13/2013) [-]
Thats ******* terrifying!
#383 - fourtwentt (11/13/2013) [-]
'Is that true or is it just propaganda we created'
#401 to #383 - Rascal (11/13/2013) [-]
i think its from that stupid movie
#69 - rza (11/13/2013) [-]
Humans will sacrifice their whole lives just to have a rectangular piece of paper.
User avatar #416 to #69 - commontroll (11/13/2013) [-]
Notice how they don't use a 100 dollar bill... what hypocrites. That or they are admitting it themselves, but I doubt they are.
#76 to #69 - zackesun (11/13/2013) [-]
actually its a cloth like material
pic unrelated
#79 to #76 - rza (11/13/2013) [-]
y u do
#150 to #76 - freenarative (11/13/2013) [-]
This is known to be true on only one of earths "super powers" [we shall return to this shortly].
Humans strive to attain what is rare. For some it is the rectangular cloth of which you speak. For some it IS paper, my young student. And again, for some the rectangle is an artificial polymer. what is stranger is that some strive for metals, some for crystalline rocks such as carbon and some even fight to attain the craft work of their ancestors.#
You remember those "super powers of which we spoke? Well It is said that on their home world they have divided it up and done so by the use of force. They neither strive for unity nor harmony. They are solely about power.
The super power [SP] known as "The union of the northern states of the Americas" * uses the cloth idols. The SP known as "your rup" * seeks similar idols but theirs are formed of the pulped bodies of the forest. An SP known as "Ash trailer" * uses the polymer.

* citation needed
# after careful interrogation of a captured human we later discovered that the human terms used are: "munee" is the rectangular idols, "goald" or "silvar" for the metal, "die munds" for the carbon (even their idols are named after death), finally "ann teek's" are what they call the crafts of their elders.
#107 to #1 - giux (11/13/2013) [-]
tis but a flesh wound
User avatar #2 - gragasvlad (11/12/2013) [-]
This my friends is why there are never any alien races that contact us... we are dangerous and repulsive so they are afraid of us.
#230 to #216 - secretdestroyers ONLINE (11/13/2013) [-]
I've never felt so motivated in my life!
#306 to #216 - ancientaliens (11/13/2013) [-]
"eliminated one way or another"
#136 - unncommon (11/13/2013) [-]
Ahh shiiit you ******* just landed on a Humanity thread.
#402 to #145 - Rascal (11/13/2013) [-]
we're a disease.
User avatar #151 to #145 - iamthepapercut (11/13/2013) [-]
Even if that thing is the Earth itself.
#96 - mikhailovych (11/13/2013) [-]
I love it when I get to use my HFY folder
User avatar #104 to #96 - garaichu (11/13/2013) [-]
I ******* love these stories.
User avatar #390 to #96 - tentaquil (11/13/2013) [-]
That's a lot of "Well,"
User avatar #105 to #96 - giygasman (11/13/2013) [-]
What is HFY? If it is what i think it is please make it rain with them i like feeling good about my species.
#106 to #105 - mikhailovych (11/13/2013) [-]
it stands for "Humanity, **** Yeah" if you're looking for more /k/ usually run a few HFY threads
#124 to #106 - krasnogvardiech (11/13/2013) [-]
/tg/ is the place that spawned them.

Get your facts straight, ****** .
#343 - walmartysghost **User deleted account** (11/13/2013) [-]
humans can sexually pleasure themselves, but still manage to accomplish tasks
#360 to #343 - bellbottomshark (11/13/2013) [-]
The greatest power!
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