Alot of D&D things lately.. D&D.. submitted to You wanna the lava beetles, fine! BE MY GUEST." highers submitted to I wasted my nat 20 determining how strai d and d
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Alot of D&D things lately.

Tags: d and d
submitted to
You wanna **** the lava
beetles, fine! BE MY GUEST."
highers submitted to
I wasted my nat 20
determining how straight I
the sexually contusing viking
Player 1: Se, "basically, theme no meld he place detain.
Player 2: Challenge accepted,
So what turns a horse on? Is there
like, , or something? What
about horseradish?
431]! mated:
That' s a morto end up with as points of nonlethal ass damage"
marauders submitted to
It may be a totalitarian insect dictatorship's- but it' s a totalitarian insect
dicktatorship that weeks!
Rogue: Naw, it' s an excellent plan. Not in this dimension, and pobably not even in this reality,
but Pm absolutaly certain it is an excellent plan .
What, are YOU gonna tell the
Bard: , minotaur he cant swim in the
community pool?
We need tn talk about this genicide fetish we win have picked up."
druid tn with
It: genus play goud cap tn the J swans bad mp.”
Sorry, we cant hear you, youre in
hell.
It: just not sure Pm commit tn an any}? naeh this early in the morning''
Bard: Hes: didyoufall an egg?
Um : I was a little ea.
...
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Views: 39636
Favorited: 132
Submitted: 07/12/2014
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Comments(125):

[ 125 comments ]
What do you think? Give us your opinion. Anonymous comments allowed.
User avatar #6 - charredenay ONLINE (07/13/2014) [-]
Rogue: Do I have time to enjoy some nookie with the princess before we set out?
DM: She's an anthropomorphic rat.
Rogue: Don't you judge me.
User avatar #16 to #6 - unusualmoo (07/13/2014) [-]
Well I mean, so are rogues.
User avatar #2 - fargfive (07/13/2014) [-]
"How big is the owlbear's beak?"
"It's owlbear beak-sized. Why do you want to know?"
"I want to wear it as a hat."

From my pathfinder group a few sessions ago.
User avatar #107 to #2 - duelknight (07/13/2014) [-]
Every single day i want to play D&D more

Damn you all
#3 to #2 - zeatguy ONLINE (07/13/2014) [-]
*******		 great.
******* great.
User avatar #5 - ragingspacepanda ONLINE (07/13/2014) [-]
me- "does the dead guy have a wedding ring?"
DM- "yes, yes he does"
me- "I take the ring"
DM- "REALLY? your gonna take the dead guys wedding ring? HAVE YOU NO DECENCY???"
me- "well fine, if you want to make the widow come in to get it, be my guest, I was gonna bring it to her"
User avatar #11 to #5 - MoparMan (07/13/2014) [-]
DM- Fine take the ring
Me- I sell the ring to the first fence I can find
DM- ...
User avatar #14 to #11 - ragingspacepanda ONLINE (07/13/2014) [-]
I returned the ring and saved the widow's daugther from a werewolf... and nearly killed the widow's mom via fire
User avatar #25 to #14 - MoparMan (07/13/2014) [-]
I definitely would have sold it and bought arrows or something
User avatar #55 to #14 - jacksipian (07/13/2014) [-]
ooh, more story!
User avatar #9 - slapchoppin (07/13/2014) [-]
one time i got a helmet that let me speak any language so i made an army of bears
User avatar #45 to #9 - Kairyuka (07/13/2014) [-]
Lvl 17 monk in Pathfinder c:
#1 - ubercookieboy (07/12/2014) [-]
"nonlethal ass damage"
#124 to #1 - fugex ONLINE (07/26/2014) [-]
#7 to #1 - caffeinecommissar (07/13/2014) [-]
They might be playing FATAL y'know?
User avatar #75 to #7 - rottytops (07/13/2014) [-]
what exactly is fatal?
#78 to #75 - caffeinecommissar (07/13/2014) [-]
Self-induced madness. A game designed for depraved sexual acts, the kind of stuff even 9gag /d/ would take a good hard look on and then board the first Nope-train out of intense bodyloveitville .
#83 to #78 - rottytops (07/13/2014) [-]
oh wow... the only bit of what ive read is horrible...
User avatar #89 to #83 - caffeinecommissar (07/13/2014) [-]
Suddenly non-lethal anal damage doesn't sound so bad, right?

Go get some brain bleach before it burns itself into you're mind forever.
User avatar #90 to #89 - rottytops (07/13/2014) [-]
too late
User avatar #91 to #90 - caffeinecommissar (07/13/2014) [-]
In that case have some antidote: Both of the posts I've posted were jokes, here is a semi-serious description of the game:
1d4chan.org/wiki/FATAL
#112 to #91 - jarelk (07/14/2014) [-]
What a hilarious, albeit somewhat disturbing read
User avatar #109 to #75 - sharklazers (07/13/2014) [-]
ANAL CIRCUMFERENCE
User avatar #99 to #75 - ompalomper (07/13/2014) [-]
Please don't.

Just... Trust me. You don't want to know.
User avatar #4 - rockmanfan (07/13/2014) [-]
"we need to get enough blood to spray all over the town"
"why the **** is that you're FIRST plan for finding a vampire!?"
#15 to #4 - urapooper (07/13/2014) [-]
Is it bad that I don't see anything wrong with the first guy's idea?
User avatar #28 to #4 - kirkbot (07/13/2014) [-]
your *
User avatar #49 - EmoHairflip (07/13/2014) [-]
>Be in town plagued with AIDs
>Rogue goes into a bar
>"I have one dose for AIDs cure. Fight to the death for it."
>Bloodshed ensues, spilling AIDs blood on everyone in the bar
>infects every non-infected person, including rogue
>Deadbodieseverywhere.jpeg
>Last guy alive goes for his reward
>Rogue cuts his head off and drinks the potion
>Burned the town hall to the ground and left
Success, if you ask me
#54 to #49 - saltyfries ONLINE (07/13/2014) [-]
Comment Picture
User avatar #8 - mrdudeface (07/13/2014) [-]
When I was 12, all of my "friends" started playing dnd without me. When I confronted them about it they said "your just not...interesting enough to play with us. your too boring. I got outcasted by the nerds.
User avatar #29 - jacksparojr ONLINE (07/13/2014) [-]
I went with a buddy to play dnd for the first time with some people I didn't know.
This is my first dnd conversation as we're all introducing ourselves
guy: I'm a level 5 orc barbarian
girl: I'm a mermiad
Me: which half?
Girl: the left half
#71 - anon (07/13/2014) [-]
Context: My DM allowed my female elf Cleric to have a 20 inch penis, but he said I had to use it.   
   
DM: The man that the warrior knocked out is lying on the floor. [Me], would you like to wake him up?   
Me: I roll to smack him with my penis.   
DM: *sighs* Fine.   
Me: *rolls a natural 20*   
DM: *sighs louder* Can I take back what I said about you're elf penis? Okay fine; I'm gonna roll a d100. 50+, you get rid of it.   
   
And then he rolled a 69, paused for a minute, then says, "...fine. Keep it."
Context: My DM allowed my female elf Cleric to have a 20 inch penis, but he said I had to use it.

DM: The man that the warrior knocked out is lying on the floor. [Me], would you like to wake him up?
Me: I roll to smack him with my penis.
DM: *sighs* Fine.
Me: *rolls a natural 20*
DM: *sighs louder* Can I take back what I said about you're elf penis? Okay fine; I'm gonna roll a d100. 50+, you get rid of it.

And then he rolled a 69, paused for a minute, then says, "...fine. Keep it."
User avatar #102 - Unholyken (07/13/2014) [-]
DM: In front of you is a floating orb as black as death, what do you do
Wizard: I want to hug it.
Rouge: I want to take it
Fighter: I want to stick my dick in it.
DM congradulations you all died trying to intense bodylove, steal and hug an orb of annilation, you no longer exist.
Fighter: So was that some kind of STD?
#123 to #102 - fugex ONLINE (07/26/2014) [-]
*******		 bravo.
******* bravo.
User avatar #65 - akkere (07/13/2014) [-]
DM: You see a locked door, to the key which is nowhere to be found. You also spy a bookshelf next to the door-
Sorceror: I'm going to animate the door to be sentient.
Anti-Paladin: I shall intimidate said animated door.
DM: ... The door shakes repeatedly and flings wide open.
User avatar #53 - lambtotheslaughter (07/13/2014) [-]
Mage: Is that zombie corpse still there?
DM: Yeah, why?
Mage: I want to tie it to the end of my staff and turn it into a tether ball type deal.
DM: ... intense bodylove. Sure

He then uses that zombie head to clear out the next few rooms in the dungeon
#111 - amuzen (07/14/2014) [-]
Playing 4.0
>Big boat battle, Kraken, mermen, water elementals, versus shipmates, a merc crew we rallied together, and us. 4 stage big ass battle
>I'm a Swordmage, almost dead from a battle before
>Nothing in range of my sword.
>Start Casting make whole
>10 minute cast time (100 rounds) Dm Face palms
>2 hours of combat later
>Battle just about over, our boat's pretty much sunk, two guys down and drowning, Krakens bloodied but not down, couple of merman left, only guy on our side still up is the cleric and me
>Kraken Grabs the ship and attempts to rip it in half
>Succeeds
>Everyone's long forgotten about me, I've just been sitting back counting the turns, just then that's the 50th round
>*AHEM* I'VE FINISHED MY SPELL! arcana check to see how much of the ship is repaired, nat 20, roll again add 20, nat 20, roll again add 40, nat 20, everyones cracking the intense bodylove up now, my final roll is well over 90
>My character is standing there chanting while this huge epic battle rages around him for ten minutes then just as the boat literally gets torn in half on either side of him he's falling through the air when he slams his sword into the plank of wood he's standing on, shouts the last part of the incantation and the entire boat snaps back together like a huge venus fly trap killing the kraken and pulling several crew members back up to the lower quarters.
>remaining merman begin to flee as the sailors rally.
>Mfw I killed a kraken with a level 1 non combat spell.
User avatar #92 - ianchrist (07/13/2014) [-]
Merchant: Want to buy this sword?
Me: How sharp is it?
Merchant: It can cut through anything.
Me: Ok, Ill buy it. *buy it, point at merchant* Give me all you're money.
DM: The merchant is actually a kracken and he grabs you with the intent of tentacle rape.
Me: I cut him with my sword that can cut through anything.
DM: It doesnt work.
Me: Intense bodylove you.
#10 - Schofield ONLINE (07/13/2014) [-]
Never played D&D before, can anybody help me get started?   
Gif related, it's YFW/
Never played D&D before, can anybody help me get started?
Gif related, it's YFW/
User avatar #64 to #10 - lordgeneral (07/13/2014) [-]
dndxplain can
#113 to #10 - anon (07/14/2014) [-]
It depends on if you want to do 3.5 or 4.0. 4.0 is more combat oriented and balanced at the cost of many things actually making sense. (example: Wizards training for years when the same level of power can be attained by bumming around a bad neighborhood)
3.5 is a combination of both roleplay and combat, and is more consistent in my experience, but the balance on it is rather wonky. There's even a tier list for classes, and I've made multiple builds that could kill an entire city in twelve seconds.
If you want to do 3.5, Dndtools.eu, d20srd.org, and You need to login to view this link are EXTREMELY useful. In addition, a simple google search will often assist you if you have any questions about rules or specific spells. You'll probably want to use Handbooks while your still getting used to things (for example, "D&d 3.5 Rogue Handbook" will net you a VERY good one); they're good tools for choosing feats, skills, etc.
Regardless of which version you choose, You need to login to view this link is you're place for sheets.
#114 to #113 - anon (07/14/2014) [-]
you're*. God dammit.
User avatar #48 to #10 - commissarcrunch (07/13/2014) [-]
depends on what you want to get into, each system is pretty different.
User avatar #12 to #10 - zeatguy ONLINE (07/13/2014) [-]
User avatar #26 to #12 - orkoapprentice (07/13/2014) [-]
Eh, new edition's coming out next month. Thar be rule changes. Apparently, 3rd edition players bitched at Hasbro about the changes in the 4th edition. I'm hearing good things so far. The new starter kit is coming out in a few days:

www.amazon.com/Dungeons-Dragons-Starter-Set-Fundam

User avatar #13 to #12 - Schofield ONLINE (07/13/2014) [-]
Thank you so much, I was looking for a good torrent.
User avatar #31 to #10 - dongers (07/13/2014) [-]
It all depends on what version you want to play, but if you actually want to start playing you should find a group, best thing i could suggest is going to a magic the gathering store and asking around for a group, ask them the version they play and start reading up. If they say 4th then go use that torrent, if they say 3.5 then dndtools.eu/ is a very good resource and so is www.d20srd.org/ for rules.
Also you dont need a torrent for 3.5 you can just look up a pdf of whatever book the first book you would need is players handbook so look up "players handbook dnd 3.5 pdf"
User avatar #46 to #10 - vigilum ONLINE (07/13/2014) [-]
roll20.net
In case you can't find local groups.
User avatar #56 to #46 - munchlord (07/13/2014) [-]
This guy knows what's up.
User avatar #32 - harryboom (07/13/2014) [-]
the RPG society at my university kept a big list from last year
"That was the most intense two fingered moment of my life"
"Natural 20 on the miniquiche!"
"Can I put my mustachearang into my utility belt?"
"I invoke paella of science!"
"We worked it out through mutual application of dried cum goo!"
"I can't make this into a sphere, you numpty!"
"That's how the dust was made!"
"Check his legs for cancer!"
"It doesn't matter! I use the tongs!"
"When I eat bananas, my mood changes."
"RESTRAIN HIM! TUBES, ACTIVATE!"
"It's not at all treasonous, it's just chocolate icecream."
"You are under his metaphorical chicken wing."
"Can I parry his piss stream?"
"Can I make my pheramones smell like lasagna?"
"If it doesn't taste nice, I won't put it in or around my mouth."
"Do I crit with the porridge cannon?"
"Elephant trunk sleep gas snorkel."
"Luchadores are the original larpers!"
"I can't just do it!" "What do you need me do, to oil you up?!"
"Help me, I'm ******** microchips!"
"Do we see anything important on our way to Greggs?"
"No Tinky-Winky, please don't hurt me!"
"You look like some kind of slutty Quality Street!"
User avatar #18 - shameonapony ONLINE (07/13/2014) [-]
Theif: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I have to cut the dog's face off! If the family comes home and sees this dog corpse on the floor, they can't know it was... What the **** is the dog's name?
DM: Fluffles
Theif: **** . I CUT IT'S FACE OFF AND WEAR IT.
User avatar #34 to #18 - stonetomcat (07/13/2014) [-]
Wow, my Skyrim character is a Khajiit named Mr. Fluffles.
User avatar #17 - unusualmoo (07/13/2014) [-]
**** , I wish I knew people who played this.
I love these stories.
User avatar #19 to #17 - barbwirepain (07/13/2014) [-]
right here
User avatar #20 to #19 - unusualmoo (07/13/2014) [-]
Well, i mean nearby me.
User avatar #21 to #20 - barbwirepain (07/13/2014) [-]
well a lot of the games are being played online now, and i have gotta say my current character is a ******* beast, can't wait to try him out on tuesday
User avatar #22 to #21 - unusualmoo (07/13/2014) [-]
...Where?
User avatar #24 to #22 - barbwirepain (07/13/2014) [-]
there are also a bunch of live episodes of it on youtube
User avatar #23 to #22 - barbwirepain (07/13/2014) [-]
through skype mainly. hell the last campaign our DM yelled at me for rolling to fart too much (i was trying to piss off a dragon, by using it's sense of smell against it)
#106 - restorf (07/13/2014) [-]
>DMing DnD 3.5 game
>Friend makes a min-maxed level 1 Ranger
>First town they come across
>Friend - "I want to kill the mayor of the town and take over."
>wut.jpg
>Friend storms to the town hall while rest of party watches
>Tumbles past guards
>Mortally wounds another
>Rushes up to the mayor's office
>Mayor's Assistant says he's out of town for the week
>mfw I wasted an hour of our play time just to dick with my friend
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